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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm not a stalker?!

33 replies

violetpurplerain · 16/12/2012 16:43

Been trying to get in touch with ex partner for the last 3 weeks.

So I've called and text quite a few times (more than I probably should have). But he knows there is a genuine reason I'm trying to get in touch with him.

It wasn't constant, every few days I would try and call etc.

Anyway I find out today that he's said I was stalker.

I'm quite hurt by this comment.

Yes aibu to have tried to get into contact with him etc.

But aibu to think I shouldn't be labelled a stalker.

I definitely do not hide outside his house and watch him through the windows, 'magically' turn up to places I know he'll be, or show up at his work place, send him gifts, talk to his friends etc.

OP posts:
GoldenFrankincenseAndMyrrh · 16/12/2012 16:45

Well I expect whether YABU or not will depend on the circumstances... why were you trying to contact him? If he knows the genuine reason why, why didn't he contact you? Why did you continue to phone and text if he wasn't responding?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/12/2012 16:46

I think it depends on what the reason is.

if you have DC s together than fair enough.

if you have an old CD of his then it is a but stalker.

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 16:47

It doesn't matter what he thinks and says to other people, if you know the truth to be otherwise.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 16/12/2012 16:47

I assume he's your ex because he's a twunt for a reason?

Ignore, his opinion is not important. Communicate only in writing regarding your dc (if you have them) and remind him of his comments when he tries to accuse you of of not telling him anything.

emsyj · 16/12/2012 16:47

Why do you need to get in touch with him? I would say you are reasonable to make a few attempts, then to send a message saying something like 'I need to speak with you regarding X, would you please give me a call back on [number]'. Then if it is really urgent and he doesn't respond, to text him the news.

But I think it would have to be something serious - e.g. I had your baby after we split and never told you I was pregnant, I have an STD and you may have it too etc...

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/12/2012 16:49

It depends on the reason I would imagine.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 16/12/2012 16:50

You may think its a genuine reason. He may not.

Many stalkers don't think they are. Just saying Xmas Grin

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/12/2012 16:50

a bit stalker *

Original poster
violetpurplerain · 16/12/2012 16:54

Maybe you're right Brady

... it's just when I think of a stalker I think of someone who follows someones every move, knows where they are, who they are hanging out with, will turn up at places they know they'll be.

Not just calling somebody.

But who knows, maybe that does class me as a stalker.

OP posts:
VBisme · 16/12/2012 16:54

Perhaps you could've just left one brief message explaining what you wanted. But no, you aren't behaving like a stalker.

Original poster
violetpurplerain · 16/12/2012 16:56

Thanks VBisme

I accept I was being unreasonable for calling. I should have done it just once.

I just think to call me a stalker is a bit extreme and just feeding his ego.

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 16/12/2012 16:56

I would actually class as more like harassment than stalking tbh.

But again if you have a reason its not. Is there a reason you just can't text him what you need to tell him?

For example if you are pg. He doesn't know there is a good reason you are trying to contact him. Usually telling someone you are pg by text is shit. But if he won't respond, what can you do.

YourHandInMyHand · 16/12/2012 16:56

What were you trying to get in touch with him about?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/12/2012 16:57

If someone was calling me every few days for three weeks I'd think they were being a pain in the arse and would be likely to call them something too.

If he knows there's a reason you want to talk to him and he is still ignoring your calls, then he clearly doesn't think the reason is very important. I'd take the hint.

Fakebook · 16/12/2012 16:58

What were you calling him about? Maybe he thinks the reason for your call isn't as important as you think.

jinglebellyalltheway · 16/12/2012 16:59

If you know the first one or two messages got through, and you left a message asking for them to reply, then you are a being a bit stalkerish to keep calling

Unless you have children together etc, but even so, once they didn't respond once you just leave a message detailing what you need to say

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 17:02

You do realise you're driving us all mental by avoiding telling us what the reason was, don't you?

DozyDuck · 16/12/2012 17:06

It really really depends why you called him

TheMonster · 16/12/2012 17:08

Call once, leave a message and the ball is in his court. He obviously knows you are trying to contact him and doesn't want to get in touch. By continually trying to contact him is stalkerish.

HildaOgden · 16/12/2012 17:43

I can't tell if you're being stalkerish or not without knowing why you're phoning him Well,I probably could make a guess but I really,really want to know what the urgent matter is,so put me out of my misery please and then I will answer

DinosaursOnAnAdventCalender · 16/12/2012 17:53

I have been trying to get an ex to respond to me for a week now. We split up three years ago and he left me owing money after we had a three year relationship. We've been on friendly terms and sometimes message via Facebook. I got a debt collectors letter in joint names and sent him a message, he responded saying he would sort it, and I sent him the phone number and all the details. And heard nothing from him. So I've sent him 4 messages now asking if he has contacted them and I know he has seen the messages because Facebook tells me when they were seen and he's updated his status etc. but he is ignoring me. I am probably being stalker like at the moment but I am mad at him and I'm not paying anymore of his debts off. I will eventually get hold of him (its for an old bill that I gave him money every month to pay but he just spent the money unknown to me. So he should pay the debt IMO but the letters and the bailiff threats are coming to my address grrr)

So depends why you are trying to get hold of him I think.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 16/12/2012 17:56

Really depends what the reason is. if it's something that just affects him, then bugger him. If it something that has a really detrimental affect on you or any children you share (if you do?) and there was time pressure and something awful was going to happen - then he is a cock.

so I guess the question is - was this need, REALLY a need?

ThePathanKhansWitch · 16/12/2012 18:25

I can,t understand why you,re so bothered.
He,s an ex, he,s hardly gonna sing your praises from the roof tops.
If it,s a genuine reason, then you know he,s the one being unreasonable.
If not, leave him alone and move on.

SaraBellumHertz · 16/12/2012 18:29

It depends on why you were calling and reading between the lines I'm guessing you're not saying because it was a less than valid reason.

Repeatedly calling someone is harassment and if someone harassed me in that manner I'd likely referring them as a stalker

LucieMay · 16/12/2012 20:54

Completely depends upon the reason if you are being reasonable. For example, if he owes you money, has a lot of your belongings, you need to contact him for legal reasons etc. then no you are not being unreasonable. If the reason isn't something quite as important, you are possibly being unreasonable.

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