to feel like a bit of a second-rate parent after this playdate

[lecce]

Ok, I am a bugger for making comparisons and judging others (and in this case meyself), probably harshly, so I may just need some perspective - hoping I can get it here!

Went on a playdate and, as usual when I visit that particular house, was taken aback by just how many toys they have. They have 2 dc, the same ages as mine, and just seem to have everything going. Both reception rooms and the dc's bedroom are full. They also have a largeish summer house and outside sheddy thing, both also full of toys!

Not only is it the toys, but the amount of crafting they do that is in evidence. Both reception rooms have walls and ceilings that are festooned with homemade decorations on every inch. It is like walking into a really lovely primary classroom.

Tbh, it makes me feel a bit shit. We are rubbish at crafty stuff and, though we do do some, it doesn't come out looking professional like theirs does and I wouldn't want it filling up the whole house. We seem to have loads of toys, many of which are seldom played with, but when I see what theirs have I wonder if ours would play better if they had more to choose from .

It's not envy of money. I think our disposable incomes are probably pretty similar and the mum herself has told me they've bought a lot of it second hand. She is a sahm and my dh is a sahd. I think dh does a great job and does lots with the dc but I think this woman clearly does a lot more!

AIBU or plain silly?

some DCs are better at crafts and enjoy it more than others.

As long as your DCs have the opportunity to do some, I wouldn't worry.

Also my house is heaving with toys (it's been commented on by friends I know are far richer than us) but it's not all my choice, my parents seem incapable of arriving at our house empty handed. A lot we've bought has been second hand too.

When mine were a bit younger (now 11 and 14) we had a playroom that was stuffed to the gunnels with toys. It used to get in an unholy mess and drive me nuts. The mess was very stressful and would spill out all over the house. And although they looked like they were playing with it it was really just turfing things out all the time.

I noticed that when we went on holiday and took about three toys each due to limited space in the car they really played properly with the toys and I never heard a peep about wishing they had other things whilst we were away.

I do think too much kind of blows away the ability to concentrate and just swamps a person with too much. I started putting things away and rotating toys and they would rediscover things with much more enthusiasm.

I honestly don't think the quantity of toys is any benchmark at all as to what kind of parent you are. Please don't be so tough on yourself!

As for craft I will admit that I wasn't big on it. They did tonnes of it at preschool and school anyway. They'd do a bit of painting or playdough at home sometimes, but I'd rarely do big projects with them.

I confess to the huge sin of actually being the parent that can't sit on my hands and tends to do it for them if I do get involved which isn't really what its all about. I just hate to see something unravelling into a mess and then dealing with them upset that it doesn't look how they were expecting it to look. I just found it a big strain and would rather take them to the park or do something else.

They don't seem harmed by this that I can see. Now they're older they sometimes make things, do a fantastic job on their own and seem to know what to do so I don't think my lack of full on crafting with has deprived them.

Our house is also festooned with beautiful homemade decorations. If it's any consolation DD (2.5) and DS (4) got bored very quickly and I finished most of them. We did it because I enjoy it, not them.

Our kitchen is a different matter. That is where we display all their 'real' artwork (we have a full wall of it!) All splodgy brown bits of soggy paper and loo rolls with 10,000 googly eyes stuck to them. They are insanely proud of this wall. (They do usually display the pieces they are most proud of in our lounge, but they all get relegated to the kitchen over Christmas)

We painted some plates at a pottery studio yesterday. DS insisted on painting his entire plate grey because 'it looks like Christmas'

...I meant to add that although we do not have an excessive amount of toys it might seem to regular visitors that we do as we are regular patrons of our local toy library.

i agree Softly Softly. I find the assumptions in a couple of the replies a bit silly.
She likes craft and they have plenty of toys, this means shit.

Not sure why some posters are being so bitchy about the mum of the crafty-toy-filled house. Why is it we have to compare, judge, criticise simply because people do things their way and not ours? Her home, her lifestyle.

I think OP you are being v silly and not much of a friend.

Just a thought are you sure the things on display weren't done at school/preschool? I used to stick all the pictures etc up they'd done there. (Not done with me though)

bet the kids dont play with half of the stuff it sounds like over load tbh over compensating perhaps kids dont need every toy under the sun and as for the crafting probably stick a few bits and they go off and play, just because a child has masses of toys doesn't make their parents great ones perhaps they cant be arsed to play with their kids so just buy them stuff,

I have a lovely friend who is just like you describe : she knits, draws always has ideas for great craft activities. On fact she is always knitting. And her house is crammed with lovely toys.

I am a crafting dunce Am helpless when confronted with paper glue and glitter, but I don't resent my friend, she is just great at that sort of thing and I am not.

But our kids craft and play in exactly the same way

I don't get the resentment either...

after all I said this mum is just the same as you a mum just because she seems to be supermum she is just different from you, I didnt bake with mine dd1s friends mum used to do cookies blah blah bla with her dd I can just about manage crispie cakes, dont be resentful but your children dont need more stuff either

This thread is just plain weird. I agree, softlysoftly - why the slagging of some other mum who has done NOTHING WRONG?

Let's be clear. The OP admits she is prone to making comparisons and judging others. I think THAT'S the problem. So the other household has a lot of toys. So what? Some houses do! You get a big family with a lot of handmedown toys for example - it takes some management not to end up with a house bursting with toys.

and as for the arts and crafts.... oh, I would pity her. Oh, she probably does it all herself. Oh, she probably makes her kids unhappy for forcing them to do it when they don't want to. etc.

Women - get a grip. WE DON'T HAVE TO SLAG OFF OTHER MUMS TO MAKE OURSELVES FEEL BETTER.

if this other mum had been actively unpleasant - criticised the OP's parenting or lifestyle, made snide unfavourable comparisons etc - that would be different.

But she hasn't. OP - it doesn't matter if you or your dp don't like doing crafty stuff. Everyone is good at some things, and not so hot on others. This is not your fault, nor is it the other mum's fault. It just isn't a problem - you making comparisons and judging is.

I just think people do things differently. My son doesn't have a ton of toys, but the toys he does have are good quality and ones we've saved for and sometimes bought secondhand. We also do loads of crafting now which I love, which I couldn't do when I was working because I just didn't have the time.

You say she's a SAHM? Maybe those crafts are just a reflection of how much time she has to fill with the kids. It does get tricky knowing what to do next to keep them occupied, and if you can, why not?

I think as long as she isn't rubbing your nose in it and behaving superior, you're being a bit silly.

I like art and crafts where the bits drop off over time and you crunch under your feet.
One of the points of art and crafts (for kids) is that the finished pieces aren't perfect in a cookie cutter way. There should be room to experiment and play. If it stresses you out don't do it!

I even like making and decorating cookies. This is living hell for my best friend. So when I have her daughter over we sometimes make cookies. My friend is happy as not only does she get 2/3 hours child free. Her daughter comes home happy having done something she wouldn't normally. Same when my daughter goes to hers. It is a win win not a lose situation.

I think children play better when they have less toys.
I don't think you need to judge yourself against people that have more.

wonder if ours would play better if they had more to choose from

No they won't.

After a patch of some shocking bad behaviour - some of the DC toys have been put away. They are playing nicer together, there is less mess and the toys left are being played with.

I've no idea about the craft stuff - they could be very good naturally, or have lots of practise or could be being helped more than your DC.

We tend to have phases with the craft stuff - so at times there is loads of display other time snot very much. Could it be that?

My mum is arty and practical, when my brother and I were small she was a SAHM, we did lots of painting, crafts etc, have good memories of it, so wanted our DC to have similar. But our DC aren't into it! (except when granny is there, she's still great with it). And is annoying getting stuff out only for them not to want to do it 5 mins after making lots of mess!

My brother has an arty hobby, I look at art. Maybe the DC will like it at some stage, or maybe they'll like other stuff.

Come round ours the house is a tip and the most popular toy in our house as always been a box of old parquet floor blocks donated by the lady across the road

We seem to have loads of toys, many of which are seldom played with

I think you hit the nail on the head right there. For most kids, you could buy them 100 toys and they will probably only play with 2-3 of them regularly. Therefore, it really doesn't matter how many this woman's children have. In any case your children have loads so on that score you have nothing to worry about.

As for the craft stuff, I agree with the posters who say that if it looks too perfect then it was probably done by the mum. She may also be only displaying the really good stuff and hiding the crapola stuff in a drawer.

2 reception rooms full of toys and kiddy crafts?

Reading the OP made me fee quite uncomfortable actually.

It's as though it was carefully worded and set up for people to judge the OP as a better mother than the woman she's judging...kind of like a 'stealth judge'?

Surely you're not that insecure OP?

Just do your own thing and don't worry about what others have and what they're doing.

This is all about your insecurity! I've also been to playdates to houses like that. I think it looks great, but it would drive me nuts at home! My two have toys in their bedrooms, and they bring a few down everyday. I'm not really into messy play (maybe in summer when it can go outside!). My two are very happy at home and get into all sorts of games/ roleplay together. I'm sure the arty families have great times too. It's not a competition.

My dd has toys everywhere - she has a cupboard in the conservatory that is full of her 'outdoor' toys, she has her bedroom, and she has a section of our living room that is called her playroom full of toys.

It's because she is the only child of her age (she's 3) in a large, child-orientated family. She has my parents, my sister, my aunt and my grandparents all buying her things (next one up in age in the family is 20 years old!). For example, we went to a family do the other week and I left her with my mum, aunt and gran while I went to sort our stuff out. I was away about an hour. In that time, they had taken her to a small christmas market. I got back to find her clutching a bag containing two new books, a toy animal, a pair of trousers and jumper, a colour in manget craft set type thing and a christmas decoration. She liked it all apparently.

I have had several friends comment on how much crap we have here - not my fault, honest!! Don't compare yourself to me or use it as a basis to judge relative parenting. All it means is I have more things to tidy away.
And with all this stuff, what's she playing with right now? A bucket of shells we collected from the beach in June. And the lid off the furniture polish!

I have however mastered the art of doing craft. DD and I make birthday cards for all these elderly relatives. It means I look better than I am at doing it, (wonderful parent, me - look at all the art work we do together!!!) and all the resulting tinsel covered crap gets sent out of the house. And they actually like it - win win win!!! The stuff on the fridge is what comes home from nursery. I have a chalk board that is permanently up and available - I reckon that covers it. Access to chalks whenever she wants.