'are we done in here?' Is this annoying?

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

When we clear up after eating in the evening, I think dp's default would be that if the dishwasher is loaded and on, the job is done. You would clear up the rest when it's time to reload the dishwasher.

I don't work like this: I clear everything else to one place and wipe things up and scrape stuff and wipe surfaces.

He knows this, so when we are getting near the end, he will say 'so are we done in here?' as though the 'rules' are unfathomable and illogical and arbitrary, and only I can say 'yes, according to my mystical laws, we have now done enough'. This evening I said 'well I dunno, it's not some arbitrary thing I made up, what do you think?'. And now he's in a colossal mood.

Not helped I imagine by the bottle and a half of wine he's drunk all on his own, and become an unappealing combination of belligerent and sleepy.

God I'm pissed off and depressed.

Just don't let him wet the bed.

He can do want he likes in it tonight: I won't be there!

I'm not sure I understand.

Um... LTB?

Sorry you are pissed off.

'well I dunno, it's not some arbitrary thing I made up, what do you think?'.
But it is, isn't it? We just load the dishwasher and do a proper clean when one of us decides it's proper cleaning time. That might not be acceptable to some people, but the point is, we all have our own system and it is arbitrary and we do just make it up.

Annoying when one partner is more pissed and sleepy than the other though.

I always have that feeling when someone is tidying up

I don't really understand either?

It sounds as though you have higher standards than him and he's just trying to reach them for you.

I do things differently to my DH but I don't expect him to do things my way IYSWIM.

If he decided to try, I'm sure he'd have to ask me if we were done too.

A comforting hug coming your way then - my dp looks at a pile of clean/(or dirty) laundry or at a pile of messy papers, school stuff etc, sitting on the kitchen worktop and says "Is this pile doing anything?" (translation: are you going to sort this out?)
I now say, "I don't know, it's an inaminate object. Is it doing anything?"
Your reply to him really made me laugh. Chin up. Let him have his stupid mood. He's annoyed because your reply was so clever. xxx

What's LTB?

I dunno, I guess I didn't think most people just left dishes and crap all over the sides just because the dishwasher is on. I don't mean proper clean like mop the floors, I just mean tidy up.

I'm also tired of the rapid wine drinking and the arsiness which follows. I wasn't in a mood after the tea time business, but a bottle and a half later he would not speak to me because 'I'm in a mood, you're in a mood, that's just how it is'.

Thank you cass that has helped x

You're welcome, Original. I knew exactly what you meant!

I'm no clean freak, far from it! But a) I think it's nice to leave a room nice and b) I think it's shitty to act as though that's stupid and random and c) I'm just fed up.

No - he sounds like an arse.

If dish washer is full, you stack everythng else near by and clear other surfaces - and do not a get a massive strop on about it.

Leave the bastard.

My husband will happily leave the kitchen in a tip and go to bed. It drives me beserk but I've found directness is the best method if dealing with it. So, "thanks for offering to clean up. If you could scrape and wash the plates and wipe everything down, it's cool to leave the pans to soak, I'll sort them out in the morning".

We are talking fully functioning adults here, right?

I'm with your DP on this one sorry.

I would have thought so too, and I generally do think I behave like a functioning adult about it

Did anyone see that chap on Live at the Apollo last week, with the routine about washing up?

It was so, so true.

DH now asks me on the rules for dishcloths before even picking one up.

Result!

Your remark was sarcastic, was it not? That would piss me off, too. I'd have approached the issue directly if I were you.

No - you do not leave stuff everywhere just because the dw is full. And I speak as someone who has had HUGE rows about leaving stuff to soak.

So every night he does things he doesn't think need doing because he wants to make it how you like? Lots of people do that, it's generally a nice thing to do for your partner, but normally the partner appreciates it. The question doesn't sound unreasonable, he doesn't know what your rules are, so if that's all you're complaining about YABU. I expect there's more to it than that though, so maybe you're not.

We've been together a long time, though, it is like if I said to him while driving 'so am I ok to stay in first gear on the motorway or do you have some kind of notion about that'.

No it's not the same. If you are driving, you are the sole person in charge. Tidying the kitchen, as you described it, is a joint activity.

Rightly or wrongly, he felt that you had been bossy about the kitchen, and clearly in this conversation neither of you addressed the issue directly. Is this how you two generally handle disagreements? There is definitely more to this story than meets the eye.

Well he thinks I am making a point if when he goes away, having turned the dishwasher on, I stay a bit and clear up, I think.

I am not bossy: I do not tell anyone what to do. But I will clear stuff up, helped or not.