'are we done in here?' Is this annoying?

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

When we clear up after eating in the evening, I think dp's default would be that if the dishwasher is loaded and on, the job is done. You would clear up the rest when it's time to reload the dishwasher.

I don't work like this: I clear everything else to one place and wipe things up and scrape stuff and wipe surfaces.

He knows this, so when we are getting near the end, he will say 'so are we done in here?' as though the 'rules' are unfathomable and illogical and arbitrary, and only I can say 'yes, according to my mystical laws, we have now done enough'. This evening I said 'well I dunno, it's not some arbitrary thing I made up, what do you think?'. And now he's in a colossal mood.

Not helped I imagine by the bottle and a half of wine he's drunk all on his own, and become an unappealing combination of belligerent and sleepy.

God I'm pissed off and depressed.

It sounds to me like you both need to learn more direct techniques for handling your differences. What you're describing sounds passive aggressive and that way lies resentment and damage.

Right, so what is the right way to do this?

I'm going to be really annoying and suggest that you start by doing a google search yourself on characteristics of passive aggression and how to change it. You need to work out for yourself if this really is you. But don't ask him to do the same - he'll again misinterpret it as bossiness.

At some point after deep consideration of the above (which includes a lot of observation of the way you both relate to each other), approach him respectfully and directly - ideally while you're doing a neutral activity such as going for a walk. The reason why I emphasise 'respectfully' is that, like you, he already has preconceptions of what your words and actions mean. So going in all guns blazing will lose him at first base.

Tell him you're concerned that you've both got stuck in a rut of combative behaviour patterns and that you'd love to reconnect with each other in more open ways. Ask him what he thinks of this, then wait and let him finish. Once he's finished you need to reflect back what he's said, to make sure you've understood correctly - so make sure you listen attentively!

Then ask him if he'd mind doing the same while you tell your side. Avoid blaming language; talk about how you feel rather than saying 'you're always doing x'.

And the rest is up to you and your research.

Okay, as the person who doesn't tidy up and stands around feeling a bit awkward/mystified when in the company of a tidy person who IS tidying up, I tend to have no idea why they are doing it. I get the concept of leaving the kitchen nice, but it wouldn't occur to me to do it, and I assume they're only doing it because it will take a second, so I don't tend to offer to help. Then it seems to go on for ages and I'm because I'd rather leave stuff in a mess and tidy it up ONCE when I'm doing tidying up specifically, rather than tidy up lengthily every time I do something. That seems like way too much effort for something that's effectively pointless because you'll need to do it again fairly soon. But I'm willing to admit I'm probably just lazy.

However this confusion shouldn't really apply if you've been living together for years, so I don't know.

He's tidy enough about things that matter to him.

I am like your dp.

Why does your way have to be the right way?
It is possible to be a fully functioning and happy adult and not always wipe down kitchen surfaces before bed.

IME it is tough to live with someone with a different approach to housework. You have to find a compromise that doesn't involve one partner being smug and the other one being made to feel like a lazy arse.

Holy moly. Your DP goes off in a drunken sulk, then you get people telling you to be "respectful" and to go and seek help for your "passive aggression" (ffs) because you have upset His Highness. Poor diddums.

Unless you have only moved in together last week, I'm guessing that he's seen you clean up after dinner every night. He should be pretty conversant with how the place looks after you have finished. So his asking "are we done in here" was basically him trying to get out of further cleaning while putting you on the back foot as well, knowing you would stay behind to finish the job. Yes. That's irritating. So is his continued sulk. If anyone is passive aggressive, it's him.

And YANBU.

I don't know-I would have said 'There's this this and this to do-I'll do this..'. I would be mortified about that much alcohol and be having a conversation about that when he's sober.
I do know where you're coming from -sometimes I feel like dh and I have fell into roles which weren't discussed at any point eg I seem to be in charge of deciding bedtimes for 3 kids-if left to him it'll get to 10pm and he'll ask why kids are still up. I tend to piss about being passive aggressive about it for a week and then actually have a proper conversation about it if it feels important enough:is that not what everyone does?

Yep, the alcohol thing is definitely a huge concern, defineme. OP, do you have any thoughts about why he drinks so much - in fact, is it a regular thing?

How annoying. I'm with lisianthus on this one. I don't think your reply was sarcastic.
Trouble is it's so easy for things to slide into a real problem. Can you get some nice time together away from the kitchen to talk?

you live with him. he's in the kitchen. you're winning.