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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this odd?

29 replies

MamaBear17 · 15/12/2012 14:56

A few months ago my in laws said that they wanted to go on a big family holiday with all of their children and grandchildren. They offered hubby some money towards paying for it. We declined, for various reasons, but namely because money was tight, we were (still are) saving for a new kitchen, and we felt that, at 10 months, dd was too young for a beach holiday in the height of summer. In laws were fine with our decision and went ahead with the holiday with hubby's siblings. They then decided that because they had given hubby's siblings some money towards their holiday, they wanted to treat hubby so that it was 'fair'. MIL took hubby shopping and spent a small fortune on new clothes for him. A couple of weeks after that she took him out again and bought him three pairs of shoes. In between was his birthday and he was taken shopping again and MIL told me she had gone overboard on his birthday because she had paid for a day trip for the others whilst on holiday. Last night hubby went on his work's Christmas do and this morning tells me his mum gave him £50 'spending money' so his night was a bargain.

I am struggling to put in to words how I feel about this. I will be honest and admit that I was privately miffed that they hadn't offered us the money they spent on clothes for hubby towards our new kitchen, but I never mentioned this to hubby because it was nice for him to get treated and I knew I was BU. Its just my own parents tend to spoil our daughter and, on occasion, have pushed £20 our way and told us to go out for a drink and enjoy ourselves. Anything that they give us is given to us as a couple. I feel a little bit like the inlaws are trying to make sure their money goes only on their son. The money doesn't bother me, but I feel a bit like, despite the fact that we have been married for three years and have a child (whom they adore), I am still not part of the family. I know it sounds a bit daft but that really upsets me. I have been with hubby for 12 years and I still feel like an outsider, even though we all seem to get on really well. Am I unreasonable to be a bit upset? Part of me thinks I am so I could probably do with a virtual slap.

OP posts:
musttidyupBeforeSantaComes · 15/12/2012 15:01

YANBU. My DH would've used the money towards the kitchen or bought something for the DCs I should think. I would be fed up too - especially if money is tight. When you are a family you expect the money to be for you all IYSWIM. What did your DH say? Thankyou that would be lovely but I don't need any more clothes it would be great to use the money to (insert something here) if not he WBU too.

Sirzy · 15/12/2012 15:02

I think you are over thinking.

They offered to take you all on holiday didn't they? They are just trying to make sure they give the same to him as they gave to the others

catgirl1976geesealaying · 15/12/2012 15:03

I don't think it's that odd to be honest.

Just a mother treating her son.

I can see you would be upset that the other siblings got money as family and yours didn't, but they did offer the holiday money originally. It's a bit thoughtless so I can see you are a little upset but I don't think you should over think it.

DragonDrawers · 15/12/2012 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 15/12/2012 15:07

I dont think that it occurred to hubby that it might have been nice for the money to go towards something for all of us. At first he was annoyed that his mum insisted that he needed new clothes, but then very grateful once he had them! I didnt say anything to him because I didnt want to cause tension, but then when the second shopping trip happened and now the £50 'spending money' for his xmas night out, I just feel a bit sad. They do buy things for DD; little outfits and so on. They adore her and I know she will be spoiled at Christmas. I just feel a bit like they are ignoring the fact that we are married and have a family by treating hubby differently. But then again, he is their son. Not much I can do about it I guess, but thank you for your reply, it has made me feel better for feeling miffed!

OP posts:
ll31 · 15/12/2012 15:08

Yabu, they offered to take you on holiday, she's just treating her son

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 15/12/2012 15:09

DragonDrawers - I wish it worked like that in our house! Hubby and I have separate bank accounts and the joint one is only used for paying bills! I am the main earner so hubby's spare cash will stay firmly in the 'hubby fund'!

OP posts:
chrismissymoomoomee · 15/12/2012 15:11

My brother always treats me when he comes down to visit, DH doesn't mind at all, he is happy that I am being spoiled (and he doesn't have to pay for it). In future years I think I will be inclined to treat my children from time to time without treating their partners too. I can see why you are a little put out, but I also think you are over thinking it.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 15/12/2012 15:11

I do think it's odd. The rest of the family had money towards towards a joint holiday and spent equally on all of them. Does your MIL think that it was you who vetoed the holiday? Not sure to what extent it's your MIL and what extent it's your DH though. Your DH could have said, you bought me x lasts week mum and I only one one pair of shoes; I would much rather spend the rest on some panto tickets or an outing to Legoland. Xmas Hmm

LaCiccolina · 15/12/2012 15:11

I think ur jealous. That simple. He's been taken out and made a fuss of. I get that but am slapping u with a wet fish regardless. Grow up a touch.

I am slightly suspicious that he was taken out once and the second time he didn't say "I'd rather this £ for the kitchen". I mean, how many clothes did he really need/actually want? That's where I lose understanding.

I'm assuming kids still getting presents as well? Be nice if u got a new lippy out of it but sounds like the old bat won't do that. Shame....

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 15/12/2012 15:12

Just to clarify - they didn't offer to take us on holiday. They booked at holiday in a very expensive resort and offered us some money towards it. We couldn't afford the remaining £1700 for us all to go. I am genuinely asking the question because I have swung from, 'I am being silly' to 'this is upsetting me' 100 times today, so thank you all for your replies.

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 15/12/2012 15:14

That's why then. I bet you mil knows you have separate money and you earn more.

toeworries · 15/12/2012 15:16

YAB massively U!

There is simply nothing sexier that a man in his 30's? 40's? who still gets dragged around the shops by his mum to buy clothes!

So hot...

catgirl1976geesealaying · 15/12/2012 15:19

I do think if it was a woman whose husband was the breadwinner and they had separate cash so the woman didn't have a lot and her mum had treated her to a couple of shopping trips, no one would bat an eyelid that the mum didn't also treat her Son in Law.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 15/12/2012 15:25

You misunderstand, I am the main earner, so I pay more into the joint account to cover bills. We are both left with the same amount of money after all of the bills are paid, because we do it proportionately. Hubby used to be the main earner but he changed careers a couple of years ago. Money is tight for both of us. My inlaws are lovely people. You are right, they just want to spoil their son. I am probably overthinking it.

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 15/12/2012 15:27

So when a Mother and her adult daughter go clothes shopping, that's known as shopping.

But when a Mother and her adult son go clothes shopping, that's known as getting dragged around the shops by his Mum to buy clothes? Confused

Righto...

Sirzy · 15/12/2012 15:27

They still offered to pay towards it though so are giving him the same amount. No issue really.

everlong · 15/12/2012 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 15/12/2012 15:36

I think your MIL is probably seeing it in relation to treating DH the same as his siblings and therefore overlooking the fact that original offer would have benfited you all as a family.

If you get on with them otherwise I wouldn't worry about it too much tbh.

MariaMandarin · 15/12/2012 15:43

I would not like this and would be hurt by it too. A married man with children is not a child to be spoilt. The mother does not want to let her baby go. If there is a chance of more money coming into the household, ideally it should be for you and him to decide how to spend it. Obviously his mother can decide to spend her own money however she likes, but it would have been nice if your dh had thought that you might like to see some of the benefits.

SantaWearsGreen · 15/12/2012 15:44

Yanbu.

Why didn't she take him clothes shopping for his birthday and then with the money she wanted to give that would have been for the holiday she should have just given it and said right do what you want with it. OR spent it on a day out for you all so she has a nice time with you as well even if you aren't on the holiday. Seems more logical to me rather than just splurging on her son and not considering you or DC.

JoandMax · 15/12/2012 15:44

I do think it's a bit odd, because my ILs would never do that. They always treat me and SIL (DHs brothers wife) the same as their sons so we get equal amount spent on Christmas/birthday presents. If they were to take DH out clothes shopping they'd take me too!!

But my ILs live abroad so I think have always been very mindful of getting on well with me and SIL and make a huge effort with us.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but it would irk

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 15/12/2012 15:45

My inlaws do this whenever they visit: take their son out and treat him to stuff he needs. It doesn't bother me at all. But that's probably because my husband, being the only earner, buys me everything I need and will go without himself to do so.

everlong · 15/12/2012 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaMandarin · 15/12/2012 16:04

I think that his mother should put the needs of the family above her own desire to spoil her son. She has probably got a lot more satisfaction out of this than he has, unless is particularly materialistic.