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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I am. I know I am and I'm disappointed in myself for being unreasonable

44 replies

MrsKeithRichards · 15/12/2012 12:05

I can't help it though.

We have new neighbours, moved in 12 weeks ago. Couple and a 8 week old baby boy. Seen nice enough, spoke a few times etc. He has a dd from a previous relationship who is 12. She stays every weekend. She is autistic.

All weekend she stamps her feet continuously. Like non stop, 7 am until 9pm. Our houses are joined, they have wooden floors and the noise is unbearable. It's a constant thump thump thump through the whole house. It's driving me mad.

After a few weeks her dad came round. We hadn't mentioned anything, didn't really know what was causing the noise or about the autism. He explained it all to us, how she does it to express frustration etc, how they try to stop it (how I don't know) and sorry in advance kind of thing. It just seems to get worse every weekend.

So far my own baby has missed two naps because of the noise, my dh has taken our older son out to get away from it. It really is unbearable.

I'm pissed off with the noise and I'm disappointed in myself because we know why she is doing it. I'm trying to be understanding but it's really becoming an issue. I know it's worse for them etc, there's nothing anyone can do but I can't help being irritated by the noise all weekend every weekend.

OP posts:

Theicingontop · 15/12/2012 12:13

You're not being unreasonable for being irritated by it, it's irritating noise whatever the reason. I hate repetitive noises, it drives me round the bend. I'd feel the same as you, guilt and all.

Of course, knowing why she's doing it makes it very unreasonable for you to complain to the neighbours, she can't help it, so... the only thing to do would be to try and distract yourself somehow. Have you tried listening to music?

peaceandlovebunny · 15/12/2012 12:13

ok, you don't like it. i wouldn't either.

what can you do?

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 15/12/2012 12:16

We do tend to have music up but can't all the time. I just wish I wasn't so irritated by it all.

OP posts:

cassell · 15/12/2012 12:18

If it's going to be ongoing and they have wooden floors could you ask them to consider getting carpets/rugs? Might deaden the noise a bit to make it more bearable.

MoaneyMcmoanmoan · 15/12/2012 12:19

Could you explain to them that the noise is disturbing, and could they consider carpet?

samandi · 15/12/2012 12:19

That's awful :-(

Could you suggest to them that they install carpets? Carpets really do make quite a big difference with noise like that.

samandi · 15/12/2012 12:20

Also, could they not go out sometimes?

He may have come round to aoplogise and explain in advance but he might not know exactly how loud and upsetting it is.

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 15/12/2012 12:21

I think carpets or rugs would make a difference. It sounds like she's doing most of the banging in the back room which sends the noise right through our living room. That rooms joins onto my sons room and he can't bear to spend time in his room. He's 7 and has banged on the wall which we've told him not to do and explained why she can't help it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/12/2012 12:21

I would ask them if they would carpet and if they would be able to take her out at your baby's nap time so she can get some sleep?

Casserole · 15/12/2012 12:23

I would ask nicely if they would consider getting some rugs - even just some cheap Ikea ones that they roll out when she's staying.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable actually. But

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 15/12/2012 12:23

Yeah they don't seem to go out, his partner will go out with the baby but he doesn't go out with his dd. They have a large garden with trampoline but are never out.

OP posts:

Casserole · 15/12/2012 12:25

Sorry, don't know what happened there. I was going to say BUT hopefully both parties can do stuff to compromise and minimise the effects. You could go out a bit, they could go out a bit, they could get rugs, you could turn your music up.... etc.

It would REALLY drive me mad though, noise stuff bugs me. So you're definitely not being unreasonable.

samandi · 15/12/2012 12:26

It sounds like she's doing most of the banging in the back room which sends the noise right through our living room

Perhaps they could also consider switching the rooms around too if that would help? Depending on size and layout of the house.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/12/2012 12:26

Another person who thinks they should get their house carpeted. The girl can't help her stamping, but her parents are fully capable of minimising the negative impact of her behaviours on their neighbours.

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 15/12/2012 12:29

Dh wants to go speak to them but I don't think we can without appearing to be total cunts. They've acknowledged the issue, explained it to us, we're just struggling to be us understanding as I thought we would be.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/12/2012 12:30

You're not being unreasonable to be irritated by an incessant repetitive noise. You recognise the little girl can't help it as well. So YANBU.

Suggesting a carpets as pp's have said may be the way forward. The dad is obviously aware you must be able to hear it as he's come round to explain what's going on and why,that suggests he's a pretty reasonable and considerate bloke generally speaking.

honeytea · 15/12/2012 12:39

Maybe they could buy their DD some fluffy slippers, it might be cheaper than carpeting/buying rugs.

Hopefully as the family settles in their DD's frustration might die down, it is still really early days especially as the DD is only there at the weekends.

TidyDancer · 15/12/2012 12:41

Oh dear. I totally sympathise and also entirely understand why this is so difficult to deal with.

Since the dad is aware of the problem and the effect it has on your family, I would think the least they could do is put down carpets. It's crazy to have wooden floors in this circumstance and apologising for the disruption, while a nice gesture, doesn't negate that.

I think you need to say something. Noisy neighbours (whatever the reason for the noise) will have a detrimental effect on both you as a family, and for your good feelings towards neighbours. It's usually best to say something early on if you feel it's going to bother you in the future.

Kalisi · 15/12/2012 12:41

Mmm it's a toughie. Obviously yanbu to be irritated but there's not much you can DO without BU IYSWIM.

Personally, I would try and suck it up as much as I can. It's only for the Weekend, maybe you can take steps your side to make things better. Look into free wall cavity insulation maybe?
Other then that, the diplomatic approach might be best. Go round with the intention of creating an action plan for all of you. If you familiarise yourself with the family, they won't feel the need to become defensive in any way. If he was reasonable enough to come round then he will probably be willing to listen to you.
You also need to inform them that it was your son banging on the walls and that you have explained he shouldn't have done that. Otherwise they may feel you are being intolerant.

MrsMellowDrummer · 15/12/2012 12:44

They came round to talk to you about it, and they sound like really nice people. I think if it were me I would pop round and have another chat. Maybe take a packet of nice biscuits, or a bottle of wine, and let them know the effect that it's having on your family. As other posters have said, they may not be aware of the extent, or perhaps hoping for the best. There are various things they could try - maybe even trying to move their daughter's behaviour on a bit - encouraging her to substitute this behaviour with something else less annoying (and obviously safe for her). I think if you approach them in a spirit of honesty, and kindness (as you come across in your post), they won't be at all upset. If there's really nothing to be done, then unfortunately you just have to grin and bear it. Perhaps they will end up being lovely neighbours in spite of this.

Lilicat1013 · 15/12/2012 12:48

I am on the other side of this situation, my son is autistic and likes to drum on things constantly. He always has items in his hands, usually two little toys and drums on the walls, the floor, the radiators anything. He seems to need to hear that continuous noise.

It is incredibly annoying, and I am totally sympathise with having to live with it as it will do your head in. I feel terrible that the noise he makes is bothering other neighbours.

Fortunately we live in a top floor flat so as long as we can keep him from banging on the floors we can keep disruption for others to a minimum as we have no shared walls.

We stop him banging on the floor every time and anything he is holding is removed from him so we have mainly prevented him from doing that. Banging on the walls is ongoing as much as we try and prevent it. I don't think they can hear it though as they hammer on their ceiling if they hear anything from us.

We prompt him to drum on things he is allowed to drum on (the sofa cushions, his mattress, his (quiet) toy wooden drum). We have consulted those involved in his care and sought advice and put a large rug down in his room. We are also take him out every morning for several hours and usually a chunk of the afternoon as well.

As I mentioned our neighbours don't speak to us about it they just hammer on their ceiling. If they spoke to us politely I would be happy to explain the issue, let them know what we are doing about it and listen to any suggestions they have to improve the situation further.

We could also tell them we are on the list to move for more suitable accommodation for him.

I really wouldn't think they were mean or horrible for telling us it bothered them as long as they were polite, the noise bothers me. I would be more than happy to work with any reasonable suggestions they had. So I definitely think you should talk to your neighbours and see if you can work together to come up with a better solution.

Jingleflobba · 15/12/2012 12:49

Could you 'find' a cheapish rug and ask them if they want it? Or buy them a nice moving in present of one (along with wine!) or ask them if they want to take the DD out for a walk with you at the time when baby sleeps? You all sound like you're being very nice about it so they may be open to suggestions on how to deal with it.

Glitterknickaz · 15/12/2012 12:51

I'd say YANBU.

If it was my three I'd find a way to try and reduce the noise nuisance. The rug idea is a good one.

Sounds like you're being pretty understanding in that you know the cause of the problem.

If it was me and you approached me with that level of understanding I'd be more than amenable in working to reduce any noise knowing that it was causing you problems.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2012 12:54

I wouldn't like it either. But it's a really difficult situation. Not sure exactly what can be done by either you or your neighbours. But really they should have bought a detached house if they knew it was such a huge problem. Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic.

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 15/12/2012 13:14

They were housed by the council, we're bought.

I did wonder why a working couple qualified when stocks are so low but I'm thinking dd might have been a factor in that and detached council properties are few and far between about here.

OP posts:

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