I think I am. I know I am and I'm disappointed in myself for being unreasonable

[MrsKeithRichards]

I can't help it though.

We have new neighbours, moved in 12 weeks ago. Couple and a 8 week old baby boy. Seen nice enough, spoke a few times etc. He has a dd from a previous relationship who is 12. She stays every weekend. She is autistic.

All weekend she stamps her feet continuously. Like non stop, 7 am until 9pm. Our houses are joined, they have wooden floors and the noise is unbearable. It's a constant thump thump thump through the whole house. It's driving me mad.

After a few weeks her dad came round. We hadn't mentioned anything, didn't really know what was causing the noise or about the autism. He explained it all to us, how she does it to express frustration etc, how they try to stop it (how I don't know) and sorry in advance kind of thing. It just seems to get worse every weekend.

So far my own baby has missed two naps because of the noise, my dh has taken our older son out to get away from it. It really is unbearable.

I'm pissed off with the noise and I'm disappointed in myself because we know why she is doing it. I'm trying to be understanding but it's really becoming an issue. I know it's worse for them etc, there's nothing anyone can do but I can't help being irritated by the noise all weekend every weekend.

I think you're not being unreasonable at all, it's nonsense that you have to put up with that. They can't help how their daughter is but they very much can help having wooden floors. They should have carpet with thick underlay. They should also be steering her away from rooms with a shared wall.

the carpet/rugs are a good idea.

if it was my dd (and it so easily could be), I would do anything to try to minimise the noise, but do be aware that the noise factor is likely to be part of why she does it, so using carpet/rugs might result in her displaying her frustration in a different, but equally noisy way.

It is very difficult. they, too, have a baby - they must be doing as much as they can to reduce thr noise, surely?

12 weeks is quite a short time for somthing as huge as a house move to settle - my dd1 is still not fully settled in here, and we moved in May.

My son has autism and can be a bit loud sometimes - we have lovely understanding neigbours and I have asked them to let us know if they are ever disturbed ( they say they don't hear him which is probably true as its an older house with solid brick walls between us and we never hear them).

I would expect them to tell me if it were to become a problem so that we could try to do something to improve things, have a word with your neighbours it may be that they don't realise how much the noise carries and will be more than happy to try to improve things.

Just seen that the house is council owned - they may be able to get the council to improve the soundproofing between the houses. Talk to your neighbours.

What a horrible situation. I can see why you hate it. I am afraid, though, that going round and saying something probably won't end well. People in these situations are incredibly stressed and super sensitive. I have two upstairs neighbours who have made it clear without actually saying it in so many words that they are at their wits' end because our 2 year old cries in the night/wakes at 6am and all that toddler malarkey. To be fair, they have probably been desperately trying to control themselves ( the girl gets out of bed and audibly storms about and on maybe three occasions they have banged on their floor ( our ceiling). In the scheme of things this is pretty restrained behaviour when you are routinely being woken at 4am but I still feel incredibly resentful when they do it because the bottom line is there is nothing I can do. Same deal with this family. Making people feel guilty, judged and pressured over things they have no control over is a fast track to a bad relationship. You just have to suck it up.

yanbu - noise, especially loud and repetitive, is known to be a major stress inducer.
i second the idea of carpets for the family, and a mission to get to know them better. they will be keen to reduce the noise as far as they can, i am sure, and other posters have come up with some really good suggestions.

My ASD dd used to do this. We got this We cut it into shape and had it in the hall. It became known as her frustrated felt and we'd put it out when she was feeling rough and away when okay. She really loved the bouncy feel of it under her feet and says that it gave her as much satisfaction as the noise did. Carpets and rugs didn't work because they didn't feel different enough.
Perhaps if you show this to your neighbour they may consider it.

This could be ds. I am always super stressed about the neighbours even though they are v understanding. I would however be sympathetic if they suggested a way of improving the situation in an understanding way. I don't think you can ask them to go out when your ds has naps as one poster has suggested. It can be very difficult to go out with a child with autism without a lot of preparation. Ds was agarophobic for years and was also so difficult that he needed two people with them when out. He also used to scream if he didn't want to go out thereby causing more noise. I would give it a bit longer esp seeing as she is only there at weekends. If it is unbearable then you may have to go round and tell them honestly that you realise it is doubly hard for them but would they consider carpeting the room she uses most to see if that would help. You could always say that you appreciate that they can do no more than this.

YABU but I completely sympathise. I know I am also completely unreasonable in my frustrations with my next door neighbour.

Their son is about 3 and they moved in when he was very tiny. At first we didn't think twice about sleeping in the spare room ( at the opposite end of the flat) because he was waking 3-4 times a night and the maid was singing to try to get him back to sleep (almost as annoying as the crying). However it's now been three fucking years and he still wakes crying at least twice a night, and is always crying for at least 30 minutes a time. Its really grating on me, and I shouldn't have to sleep in the far bedroom to get some sleep. It's also not always possible as we have visitors for maybe 8 weeks a year (we're abroad so have family visiting). The couple next door the other way also now have 12 week old daughter, so i get disturbed on that side as well (although a little more understandably). I've also had a discussion with the lady who lies directly below them who gets the same disturbance every night and she came out and asked me if I knew if there was a medical issue and if the child was ok. I'd not even considered that as we don't have children so I don't know quite how abnormal it is to still be waking this often. The family next door are foreign and do not speak much English at all so can't discuss easily.

So, you are definitely being unreasonable but understandably unreasonable if you get what I mean.

If they have not long moved in they may not be able to afford carpets yet.

Nicely mention that it is causing disturbance but only do so to surgest something like this as a helpful but affordable option that can be used even when they do have carpets

www.softfloorkids.co.uk/?gclid=CLjpx5vinLQCFcjKtAodlh4AEA

I have the largest one its lasted ages and is only £44

Amazon do one almost the same as well but not straight sided

I didn't express that very well, what I ment was saying this

"Had you thought about trying something like this, someone with several children with ASD raves about how helpfull they are and not only do they reduce noise but you can build with them, make safe room areas as well."

I think you need to get together and talk, maybe invite the dad round when his child is banging so he can hear how loud it is. Maybe he doesnt realise how bad it is. I agree with the carpet/rug idea but can they afford that? A very difficult situation though, you have my sympathy.

Write to environmental health and point out the problem. It's not the girl's fault, but neither is it fair that your baby can't sleep because of it.

Wow. Cracking a nut with a sledgehammer there, independent.

Perhaps suggest to them that dd should not wear her shoes in the house? Either slippers or socks or bare feet should quieten the noise? Also ikea rugs suggested previously are a very good idea.

I think it's fair enough to say to them that the noise is pretty serious and to suggest ways to lessen it. Because it isn't simply a question of you and your h putting up with it, you have a baby who is unable to sleep and another child who is also being disturbed.

The dd might be finding the house move and new sibling very hard to adjust to.

I'm gobsmacked calling environmental health and not even talking to parents who present as rational none threatening decent people.

That's worse than calling the police because your snowman melted

I won't be calling environmental health!

Dh bumped into him this morning. Last night we had 3 couples round and 3 of their kids so it was probably a bit noisy, not music wise just kids playing and chatting.

Anyway he (neighbour) had the front to tell dh there had been a lot of thumping from us. Dh was beautifully diplomatic, especially considering a slight hangover, and apologised, explained we'd had a few friends round (all gone by 11) but whilst we're on the matter of noise...

Neighbour was quite defensive, dh explained we understood it can't be helped but if there was anything that could be done to minimize the noise as it was getting unbearable. Neighbour also explained that the build up to Christmas was a trigger for he stamping etc because of decorations, different adverts etc. So fingers crossed it dies down after the festive period.

your neighbour is out of order. What a cheek to comment on the noise from your place considering the constant racket from his.

Christmas aside, did your dh suggest carpets/rugs/slippers?

I really feel for you. i once had a neighbour who was hard of hearing and had his TV on full volume well into the night every night

I'm another one who thinks environmental health.

YANBU it really doesn't matter what the noise is caused by - excessive and repetitive noise is a health issue. It makes people ill.

There isn't anything the family can do, is there? Contacting environmental health may help this family get housed in a detached property.
I know lots of environmental health officers so perhaps I'm not as freaked out as other people!

My auntie's eldest son (my cousin) had profound learning disabilities and was very noisy. They were housed in a detached property.

Don't try and accept this because it feels discrimatory. We can all empathise with (or already are) the parent of a child with behavioural issues. On top of my own stress, I wouldn't want the guilt of knowing I was damaging the health of my neighbours.