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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sick, worried and upset about something so trivial?

85 replies

TangoPurple · 14/12/2012 11:36

DD is in primary one. She went to a special nursery several towns away from our home, so therefore didn't know anyone when she began school this summer. More than half of the class came from the local nursery, meaning more than half of the parents already knew each other.

I'm quite a shy person and find it uncomfortable making small talk. So it therefore required a heap of courage for me to go ahead and plan a party for dd's 5th brithday in January.

I like being organised, so I've already booked and paid for: the hall, bouncy castle, cake, invitations, entertainer, food, party bags etc. The only thing left to do is give out invitations!

But i've decided not to do this before the Christmas break as i think they'll get lost, people will forget etc. DD's birthday is on the Monday they start back at school, and her party is booked for the Saturday after this. I had planned on giving out the invitations on the Monday (1st day back at school).

Anyway, everything was fine until yesterday. DD told me that a boy in her class has his birthday on the same day as her, and that he is also having a party.

Today i got dd to point out the boy and i went and spoke to his mum. I was friendly, and introduced myself, and brought up what DD had told me. She confirmed her son's birthday was on the same day. I told her i have a party planned on the Saturday, and asked (apologising for being nosey) if she has anything planned yet, as i hadn't heard.

She said no, not yet, but she probably will have a party. I said jokingly 'Oh, hope it's not the same day as dd's.' She got a bit awkward and explained she works Sundays, and doesn't want to leave anything until the next weekend as that's almost 2 weeks after the actual birthday date.

I told her a bit about the party i had planned, and said i'd be more than happy to do a joint party, if she wanted to go halfs, or whatever she could manage.

She said thanks, but if she was going to do anything, she'd rather her son had his own.

I'm now worried sick that she might organise something for the same day as dd's. This little boy has lots of friends, and his mum is friendly with lots of the mums and dads from school (she's also on the PTA, and volunteers in the classrooms, school trips etc).

My little girl doesn't have many friends. She used to get a taxi to and from her nursery last year, so I've never even met those parents, and dd barely remembers any of the children.

Outside of school, there are no children in the family except my 2yo nephew, and a friend's little 3yo girl.

I'm now tempted to get the invitations handed out tomorrow (beating the other mum to it). But i think this is silly because A) it's far too early; B) Christmas break is near and the party will get forgotten and C) the invitaions will get lost.

I'm not sure what to do. I know this is extremely trivial, but it's had me in tears this morning. As i said before, i'm quite a shy person and it's taken a lot of courage for me to throw a party (not forgetting the fact it's cost a small fortune), and i'm now anxious that no one will turn up and dd will be traumatised.

OP posts:
BridgetBidet · 14/12/2012 12:20

Give the invites out, but make sure to include the little boy, then you can say to his mother when you give her the invitation that you do hope they can come, perhaps you can stagger the parties if they are on the same day?

GreatUncleEddie · 14/12/2012 12:25

If you are inviting the whole class it us fine to give them to the teacher. (If you aren't then don't.)

theoriginalandbestrookie · 14/12/2012 12:29

Can you email a save the date ? We have a list of class emails and quite a lot of people do this.
Alternatively just hand out the invites, I usually send our ours about 4 weeks before the party, we often have plans as a family and I appreciate advance notice of things so we can plan accordingly. I wouldn't rush to bring DS to a party if he has had a weeks notice.

LimeLeafLizard · 14/12/2012 12:33

I once had an invite to a kids party 3 months in advance! That was a little OTT - but child is August born and her mother was aware of summer hols etc!

I agree with what lynniep just said.

pixiestix · 14/12/2012 12:33

In full agreement with everyone else - give them to the teacher to hand out now. Its not too early and they won't get lost Smile

mum11970 · 14/12/2012 12:34

Send them out now, the other mum will at leadt be able to make sure the times don't clash. My kids have been to two parties on the same day before, they've even been to back to back parties. Don't worry.

LimeLeafLizard · 14/12/2012 12:36

btw, you say you're shy, but you do sound like a nice person, and you will gradually get to know these people (and their good and bad traits Xmas Wink). You've done a good thing to host the party because this is a great way of getting to know them, too.

And I'm sure your DD will make lots of friends too!

kissmyheathenass · 14/12/2012 12:39

You are not alone, I worry about every party my children have. I bloody well hate them. I have had sleepless nights worrying about peole not turning up! It will all be absolutely fine in the end, dont worry.

needastrongone · 14/12/2012 12:42

Give them out now and possibly give them to the teacher to do, they will be used to it at this time of year, giving out Christmas cards etc.

I do understand, honest.

My DS's birthday is early September, almost immediately the day they go back to school. He's too old now at 13, but when he was little and tended more to have parties that involved village halls and whole classes etc, I always used to give out the invitations pre Summer break. Had to be mega organised but it's only for two or three years and then they tend to have smaller parties for specific mates, whose parents mobile numbers I knew so could communicate more easily.

Hope she has a lovely time Smile

SuperChristmasScrimper · 14/12/2012 12:45

My first thought was 'oh shit' as I have a DS in P1 with a birthday on the Monday back and I plan to have his party on the 12th Grin but then I saw you'd spoken to the Mother so I know it's not actually me!

Anyway, I'm doing invites on Monday. I so worried about noone coming as we only moved here in Aug so I don't know many parents and I have 'the Fear' that noone will come :(

MummytoMog · 14/12/2012 12:46

DD has an invitation for January 5 already, and has had it for a week.

I was really touched that she was invited to a party as she is essentially non-verbal, doesn't interact with the other children much and is basically the cat who walks alone at Nursery. Made me go all teary.

SamSmalaidh · 14/12/2012 12:51

Definitely give them out now, before the other mum has planned anything so she can organise a morning/late afternoon party if she wants. Agree that less than a week's notice isn't enough - I usually have weekend plans by Monday so would much rather put something on the calendar a month in advance.

I'm going to have to do invites for DS a month in advance, as his birthday is in the summer holidays.

Original poster
TangoPurple · 14/12/2012 12:53

Aw, thanks again, everyone. Feeling a bit silly now. I'm sure it will be great fun.

Oh no, SuperChristmasScrimper! I've heard there's a few people in the infants with a birthday early January (your ds could very well be in same class as my dd).

I'm in Motherwell, if that helps rule me out Xmas Wink

OP posts:
SuperChristmasScrimper · 14/12/2012 13:05

Haha no we are near Glasgow too but not Motherwell Grin

Shame though, I would have bitten your arm off to do a joint Grin half the effort and stress in my book!

AndiMac · 14/12/2012 13:11

Give them out ASAP as the other mum will probably hand hers out soon too, since she knows you are planning a party the same day and it's usually a case of first come, first invite taken.

Give them to the teachers to put in the book bags. I'd honestly try to get it done this afternoon, as the weekend would be plenty of time for the other boy's parents to organise their party and hand out invites on Monday.

Rindercella · 14/12/2012 13:26

Definitely hand the invitations out (ask teacher or TA to assist). I promise you, handing out the invitations today or early next week will not seem odd at all. Most people will be in awe at your great organisation skills! Grin

DD1's birthday is the end of August. Her school breaks up at the beginning of July, but I hand out the invitations before the end of term, so that people know.

Original poster
TangoPurple · 14/12/2012 15:23

I don't believe this! Sad

I handed dd's teacher the invitations at hometime, and she said she'd give them out Monday.

Got home and dd brings out a handful of Christmas cards from her bag. Mixed in with them is an invitation for the little boy's birthday! She said her teacher had given them out after lunchtime, so I think the other mum must have handed them into the main office over lunch.

Wee post-it-note inside it saying: "Hi, wasn't sure what time you said but think you said late afternoon, so i've made X's earlier. Hope you can come!
xxx"

I've sent a text to the RSVP mobile, just saying, sorry but dd's party is actually 1-3pm :(

I very much doubt she'll change her time, espeicially if she's went and booked something this afternoon, but i'm hoping she might suggest something.

I'm not too worried about the money i'll lose out on, more focussed on letting dd down. I might consider asking five or six friends round for tea on the Monday and have a little do in the house instead. Not quite what i'd hoped for though. What a mess. I'm going to have to ask the teacher for my invitations back first thing on Monday morning, before she has chance to give them out.

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 14/12/2012 15:26

Oh no :(

LoopsInHoops · 14/12/2012 15:27

Can you change the time of yours? I know it's a pain, but worth a try?

Sounds like the other mum had similar thoughts to yours, but very mean of her. :(

Greensleeves · 14/12/2012 15:32

Couldn't you rearrange yours? Have it on the Sunday, or the following weekend?

This happened to us twice with ds1. The first time the other mum was lovely and we just worked it out so it didn't clash, ds1 went to hers and vice versa - great.

The second time the other mum was a meat puppet less cooperative (and loathed ds1 because she thought ASD was catching) and it all went very badly, both children upset.

Sounds like the other mum in your case has pipped you to the post - bad luck but not a lot you can do about it. I'd just rearrange.

Greensleeves · 14/12/2012 15:35

...meant to add YANBU for feeling sick, worried and upset about it. I was the same. Our feelings for our children run deep, especially when it comes to being accepted and fitting in. xx

Original poster
TangoPurple · 14/12/2012 15:38

Thanks. Everything's all been paid for though. The hall won't let me rearrange (i'll have to pay again if i want another date), and the entertainer is booked the following weekend. She's really popular. The only reason i managed to book her for 12th Jan is because she had a cancellation.

Just waiting on the cake maker getting back to me now about any chance of a refund. I'm hoping she'll agree to this as she won't have started making it yet.

Still keeping my fingers crossed that the mum's nice enough to offer something (although i don't think she'll offer a joint party as she's already made it clear she doesn't want this).

I will definitely not be putting myself through this stress again.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 14/12/2012 15:42

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that Sad

Fingers crossed that the other mum decides to be reasonable then. Surely everyone wants the same thing - happy kids, nobody left out.

Could you arrange a couple of playdates [shudder] with children your dd likes? It might induce them to come to your party instead of the other one, if a compromise can't be reached.

I totally get the "never again" thing. I was a blubbering jelly when ds1's party got snubbed (especially as he was the only child in the class not invited to the other one)

LoopsInHoops · 14/12/2012 15:43

Why not just move it to later? Or 10am?

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 14/12/2012 15:47

:( all my sympathy, I was in a similar situation with the daughter of the School Queen Bee. All was fine in the end, and I'm sure it will be for your daughter too.

Try not to worry, you really do sound like a thoughtful person and a very lovely Mum.