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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like a bad mother because of joint custody?

45 replies

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/12/2012 20:39

Ok i am, i know i am but please someone slap some sense into me because i'm sat here in tears.

Me and exdp have recently split and due to him moving back home 70 miles away we have had to split custody of 18 month old ds a week at a time.

I feel like i, and i know it sounds crazy but like i have been put under social services or something because i don't have him all the time anymore. I'm trying to make his time here as great as possible by taking him to lots of places and cooking from scratch and again that makes me feel like i'm trying to prove something.
When me and he dad were still together i thought nothing of doing these things it was just being a mum but now it feels like i'm trying to put on a front only there's nobody watching so wtf is wrong with me?
For those of you who are single also can you please assure me it get's easier because i picked him on Monday and all week all i can think of is that i will loose him again on Sunday

OP posts:
Witchety · 13/12/2012 20:46

It gets easier!!!

Do you feel you have been forced into this arrangement tho? It's not really the 'norm'

McChristmasPants2012 · 13/12/2012 20:50

I think this is bonkers tbh.

What will happen once dc starts school.

You are no less or more of a mother because you have DC every other week.

MrsTomHardy · 13/12/2012 20:52

I was going to say what happens when DC starts preschool/school??

Original poster
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/12/2012 20:53

I don't know, he's a good father so it never crossed my mind not to split it 50/50.
When he starts school he will be with me but that's years off. Is it really not normal? i really don't want to turn into the bitch that makes it difficult for a dad to see his son by demanding she has him more

OP posts:
NoNoNoMYDoIt · 13/12/2012 20:54

I will try and PM you

Witchety · 13/12/2012 20:55

50/50 is a good situation to aim for.... But it doesn't actually mean time is split as equally as you are doing!

Does your ex not work? How does he manage?

YourHandInMyHand · 13/12/2012 20:55

I'm sorry OP but I think he is WAY too young for 50/50 care. I'd get legal advice on if you would be forced to stick to this.

You are not a bad mum, just trying to do what is bet for your child. It's okay to review things though. What will happen when he starts nursery and school. The 50/50 won't work long term anyway will it!

Did your ex choose to move 70 miles away from his child??

YourHandInMyHand · 13/12/2012 20:56

I think 50/50 only works long term if the 2 houses are in same locality. Personally am not a fan of 50/50 care full stop but I appreciate it is a good situation in some circumstances.

Original poster
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/12/2012 20:57

However, and i don't want to be slagging anyone off but i do feel it would be more stable for him here, he has his own room and furniture. Ex has moved back with parents and it is rather cramped and um a bit dirty (ex has said this himself on many occasion) plus there is smokers in the house

I really want us to be civil and get on for ds but it makes me cry everytime i think of him going back

OP posts:
McChristmasPants2012 · 13/12/2012 20:58

I think your DC is too young to be separated from his main care giver weeks at a time.

I hope a poster comes along and suggest something a bit more suitable

Witchety · 13/12/2012 20:59

Yes, you need some legal advice.

Were you the main carer before you split?

Charliefarlie1192 · 13/12/2012 21:00

It gets easier I promise part of you is feeling guilty probably and so you are tying to make up for it but you don't need to

Original poster
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/12/2012 21:01

Witchey no he doesn't work but as i said it's a very recent split (days rather than months)
Yourhand i don't know where else he could of gone to be honest as the house is in my name and i'm the only one who works so he had no money to get somewhere up here and had to go to his parents

OP posts:
Bagofmashings · 13/12/2012 21:01

You sound like a great mum, you're being very selfless & are putting the need of your child to have a good relationship with his dad first. It must be very difficult for you.

Is there any way you & your ex could move closer together?

Original poster
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/12/2012 21:03

Oh wishing i'd namechanged now. Um i guess i wasn't the main carer as i worked and ex didn't but i only work part time so was only gone for the mornings and off every other weekend

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 13/12/2012 21:03

18 months is very young for him to go away for a week at a time every other week. You need to rethink this. How is your DS coping? I aimagine it is quite upsetting for him.

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 13/12/2012 21:04

I am afraid it isn't considered too young for 50/50. Shared residence was ruled in my case even though Dd was 19 months when we split and I had been primary carer until then. (Also had DS aged 4 at the time)

Theicingontop · 13/12/2012 21:05

Oh dear Sad I can't imagine that. It must be really awful to be apart from DS for a week at a time. I really didn't think that arrangements like these were made? Especially for one so young.

I'd argue that it would make far more sense for it to be weekend visits, and to have your DS' main residence to be the house he has his own bedroom in??

NatashaBee · 13/12/2012 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/12/2012 21:05

bags- i own the house, couldn't sell it in this climate anyway and my job here is good with a brilliant boss, i don't think i'd find anyone better.
He i guess could if he could get housing but i don't know how housing works and if they would let him apply out of the area he's in at the moment.
I have a feeling that even if they would he might lie and say they wouldn't because his friends and family are there

OP posts:
Fairylea · 13/12/2012 21:11

This is crazy and not sustainable long term.

I moved 132 miles away from ex h (long story) from when dd was six months old and ex has dd two weekends a month, alternative Christmases and half of the school holidays (she is 9 now).

You definitely need legal advice.

totallygrossedout · 13/12/2012 21:14

Sorry, but it makes him sound like a commodity. He is so young to be "shared" 50/50 like this and it sounds like the arrangement is more for the parents than for him. If he is going to be with you full time when he goes to school then, in my opinion, that's how it should be now. If his Dad chose to move away then that's his look out. He should come and visit and have him for holidays.

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 13/12/2012 21:15

You need to act before this is the status quo. If ex can argue he was main carer and the precedent of 50/50 is set, you will have one hell of a fight on your hands to argue for residence. The court doesn't have to establish any positive benefit to the child to award shared residence. It preserves the right of the child to have equal contact with each parent as long as there is no abuse.

YourHandInMyHand · 13/12/2012 21:15

Go get some legal advice.

SamSmalaidh · 13/12/2012 21:19

A week apart from each of you sounds crazy!

If your ex was the main carer before you split though I don't think you can expect him to have alternate weekends. Even if one of you had weekdays and the other weekends at least that would only be maybe 4 days apart. If you are working, could you have your DS Friday night to Sunday night/Monday morning?