AIBU to feel like a bad mother because of joint custody?

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Ok i am, i know i am but please someone slap some sense into me because i'm sat here in tears.

Me and exdp have recently split and due to him moving back home 70 miles away we have had to split custody of 18 month old ds a week at a time.

I feel like i, and i know it sounds crazy but like i have been put under social services or something because i don't have him all the time anymore. I'm trying to make his time here as great as possible by taking him to lots of places and cooking from scratch and again that makes me feel like i'm trying to prove something.
When me and he dad were still together i thought nothing of doing these things it was just being a mum but now it feels like i'm trying to put on a front only there's nobody watching so wtf is wrong with me?
For those of you who are single also can you please assure me it get's easier because i picked him on Monday and all week all i can think of is that i will loose him again on Sunday

This was an informal agreement? That's all very well as long as everybody's happy with it - and nobody reneges on their word. But it sounds as if you need to take advice and formalise things, not be steam-rollered into something you're not comfortable with.

Some councils have a Fit to Rent scheme, where they'll lend the deposit for a rented place. Thete must be some way your ex could find to stay locally?
Go and see your cab as soon as poss.
Some solicitors give the first half hour free for family cases; cab can point you towards a suitable firm.

I had a similar arrangement at the same age and it all worked out great.
It will be hard for you for a while but my dcs are well adjusted and happy!

You said you will be main carer by school? That will solve the major problems, or else he can move closer as he gets on his feet.

Hi everyone thanks for all your advice i'm taking it all on board and really appreciate it

Don't just take it on board, honey. Act on it. Your ds is far too young to be divvied up 50/50 because his df has moved away.

Tell your ex all bets are off until you've consulted a solicitor who specialises in family law or ask on the Relationships or Legal matters boards for guidance as to what would consitute reasonable contact for a young child.

The fact that your ex is living in a smoking household will not count in his favour.

Me and exH share 50/50 of our 3 DC. I have them from Wednesday night to Sunday then he takes over. However it very much helps that our houses are 3 mins apart. Our kids are well adjusted and very much 'used' to it now.

It works very well!

I would have thought 50/50 is best split across a week rather than a week at a time. It sounds a bit odd to me but perhaps that's because it's not the norm. It's not doable when he reaches school. Or even nursery. How come he's moved so far away? That's the problem.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh on your ex, unless there is a backstory i don't know about? He was main caregiver and had to move back with his parents when the relationship ended which is unfortunately 70 miles away. This has happened to a lot of MNers and they always get told they should take DC with them.

Your are not a bad mother, you are letting your DS bond with his father and of course you must miss him terribly. I grew up with 50/50 custody from about 3yo. But a week is a long time, would it be possible to do 3 days you, four days him, 3days you, four days him? This is what my parents did until i went to secondary when i asked to change it to 1week or maybe 2 weeks at each depending on exams/holidays etc. I think it only really worked because they had an amicable split. 50/50 care works better when both parties know what is going on.

Are you able to Skype/facetime him when he is with exdp? I know at his age he won't really be able to sit for long but maybe if you got to see his face and say goodnight it would help you?

Hi everyone i appreciate the comments i really do, i'm just trying to clear my head a bit and think rationally.
Nfk it's sunday evening till sunday evening because of the distance, even with us both travelling every other weekend it's still £70 a month in petrol each i literally could not afford to double that figure or risk forgoing "luxuries" such as food and clothes for Ds. Plus i also think that twice a week is a lot of time in the car for him and at least this way he is picked up in the evening right before his bedtime and sleeps through the journey.
I would obviously rather have a 3day rota but with the distance it's impractical.

I cannot give up my job because i have a mortgage to pay and while i love my ds more than life itself i would not be much use to him homeless or in debt. My working hours are not that long and i am able a good 2/3 of the day with him and all of fri,sat,sun.

Yes in all honesty i am a bit annoyed he chose to move back home, he would claim there was no other way but i think he could have found a way to find a place nearer. His hometown is where all his friends are and his family so it's easier for him this way.

All this though does not detract from the fact he is a good father and while some of his family smoke and i hate that ds is around it, they are good people too.

I will speak to ex about giving this a trial period and if ds is distressed re-evaluating a plan. I'm finding attitudes like this Tell your ex all bets are off a bit tough to swallow and while this is eating me up i don't think people saying i am treating my son like a possession and so on is fair. I am doing this FOR him, he has spent every day for the last 18 months with both of us and it's not likely to be any less upsetting for him to see less of him than me. (although obviously i am better )

Haha just realised a little bit of my rant was about a pm.... apologies for that i'm not crazy the conversation did happen

yeslam I have 50/50 custody of my two children. Their father takes them every Wed evening and returns them Sat evening.

We have done this for the last 6 years since the children were 4 and 2 years old. It works amazingly well!

We are fortunate enough to live close by however so we can both do school runs.

It does not make you a bad mother, in fact quite the opposite! It shows you are able to put your own feelings aside to allow your child to have a relationship with their father, so well done you!

I honestly think 50/50 custody is the way forward and the best thing to do all round.

If you want to message me I am happy to chat about how it works for us, answer any questions you have.

Me and my new partner have such a great relationship with my ex and his new partner and that really is the best thing for the children. I wouldn't change our arrangement at all, although I do miss them lots when they go.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw. I hope you didn't get any mean PM's . You should report them if you did.

I am not surprised you feel insecure and unhappy, you have only recently split up with your Ex. It is early days and I am sure it will get easier, especially as you seem very sensible.

I hope everything works out OK.

Thanks cahoho. No i doubt it was intended to be mean, just struck a nerve is all.
Anyhoo thank you all again, have a holly jolly holidays
I for one will as the munchkin is here for christmas day

Have you noticed all the people who have actually experienced 50/50 care are saying how well it works and the ones telling you to stop this have never tried it themselves?, that alone says something!

If the OP was the father would you be saying the mother choose to move away so she should lose her child? Would you be saying they should only have weekenddespite previously being the main carer?

The OP has said he is a GOOD DAD, yes they do exist! Stop trying to talk her into stopping contact and let the man be a father!

ProtegeMoi is speaking a lot of sense. Really important to have good communication. As much as you will miss your DS i honestly don't think it will be so hard for him. From my own POV i rarely missed the parent i wasn't currently living with, it was just normal.
OP you sound a lot more positive then earlier, enjoy your christmas and 50/50 can work, it's still new to you but once it is routine it'll be easy peasy

I dont think you are a bad mother at all. 50/50 custody should be done more by the courts. Children have two parents, neither is higher ranked due to their sex.

Your child will grow up happy and secure with a great relationship with both parents, how can that be bad?

Thank you happymum and tiny
Yes i am feeling a lot better, i think i lost myself a bit somewhere around the middle of this thread with my emotions running high but i have my sensible head back on now.
I honestly though i would just get a lot of "yes it's hard but will get easier, your doing the right thing* responses so i when it went the opposite i began to doubt it even more. I just want to do what's best for my son, i hope he will see that.
I think this is the only time i will be happy to be told IABU

sorry if i wasn't helpful, OP. i really didn't mean to upset you. all i meant was that my children have found 50/50 so distressing (they were 18 months and 4yrs when we split) that i wish that i had given up my job and found some way to protect them from it. i literally would have done anything to protect them from the distress they went through, and i became suicidal because of it.

i would never want anyone or anyone else's child to go through what we went as a family because of the 50/50 split. i really was only trying to help. sorry again.

It's ok NonNo i didn't think you were being nasty it's just with the emotional state i was in it hit a nerve as i really need my job.

I am so sorry it has gone badly for you, the situation you are in sounds truly heartbreaking

I really have taken your story into consideration and will make sure i am very observant with how this is affecting him. I will talk to ex about trialing all this and monitoring his response. I would hope that he remains a good enough father to put his needs first even if it means him possibly seeing less of ds.

I really do feel awful for you, i wish there was something i could do i hope your children will see that you did this, never meant to cause them huirt and i'm sure they will love you for it. You sound like a brilliant mum

Oh YesIAm - now you've made me cry! My kids are with their dad till Sunday and I am missing them like crazy. I spoke to them on the phone this morning and DS said 'how many more sleeps till I come back to you Mummy?'

I did some research on shared care when I first separated from ex, and I read in several places that absences of more than 3 nights from the 'primary carer' is not good for young children - and by this they meant under the age of 3. Their attachment can be affected. As both you and your ex do significant portions of the care, I would say it isn't ideal for your son to be away from either of you for more than 3 nights. But you will have to see how it goes, I guess. And being very in tune to his emotional development and reactions will be key here.

DD used to cling to me screaming when ex turned up to collect her. As soon as I mentioned Daddy she would say 'no. DD no daddy'. DS was also badly affected (and he was 4).

I pray that you don't find that your DS has any reactions to this situation. If your child can accept it, then at least - even if you feel depressed and useless - you can console yourself that they are happy.

And I totally understand the feeling of dread as the time to handover approaches. I have the DCs from Fri morning through Weds morning on one of the two week cycles. By the time it gets to Sun evening, I am already feeling down because they are going back to their father on the Weds morning. It ends up spoiling the time I have with them - as much as I try to stop it from doing so.

People have said ' oh you will move on. You will appreciate the time you have without them'. But I don't. I don't want to go out. I don't want to meet new people. I want my kids.

I too thought when we separated that 'at least I have my job'. And it's true - I am financially independent and have bought my own house and support myself good job as my ex refuses to pay for anything despite earning 3 times what i do. But another job could have been got, I'm sure. Not as good as the one I have now. But to be honest, if I could have foreseen what has happened, I would have given up my job. Ex used my job against me in our court hearing - the fact that I worked (part-time) and therefore had to use child care negated the fact that I had always worked part-time and had had two periods of maternity leave with the children.