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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to end my relationship?

42 replies

Jen547 · 13/12/2012 19:40

Please help me guys, I'm stuck in my head and can't see whether iabu or if I am just expecting too much...

I'm considering ending my relationship with the father of my 3mo DD. I have been very unhappy since DD was born, my life has changed to something unrecognisable, I don't blame him for this and I do understand this is just what happens when u become a parent but I feel that he is unable or unwilling to make changes to his life to accommodate our new circumstances. On his days off he goes out with friends or he sits in front of the tv and says he doesn't want to do anything as he is "tired". He does sometimes work until late but he often goes out after work and my argument then is that he has made that choice. He also doesn't consider 8hrs enough sleep and will then nap for a few hrs in the afternoon.

He also seems to treat DD as an inconvenience and if I ask him to watch her he will put her on her playmat and then play games on his phone or watch tv. He did a few morning feeds recently but I have stopped asking him as I woke to find her on the floor crying and he had gone back to sleep on the sofa.

He occasionally offers to do housework but applies the same half arsed effort to this and I have to do it again anyway so have stopped asking for help here too.

BUT... He is a good man. He constantly surprises me with how intelligent he is and he obviously cares very much for DD. he's not abusive or unkind in any way.

AIBU? My family keep telling me "he does more than a lot of men" or say I'm a nag and am unfair to him. I think sometimes I do expect him to 'entertain' me as since having DD I have lost all my friends (none of whom have children) and I am painfully lonely.

Please let me know what u think. I won't be offended if told I sound like a nagging nightmare.

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 13/12/2012 19:43

Babies put a lot of strain on a relationship and on you and your DP. 3 months in DH and I were both frazzled

It doesn't sound like he is doing his share

Perhaps some relationship counselling wpuld help him understand how you are feeling and what you need from him?

Original poster
Jen547 · 13/12/2012 19:55

Does this cost a lot? We live on a very tight budget with my maternity pay and there is little spare. If its fairly inexpensive I would definately consider this, thank you for the suggestion.

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 13/12/2012 20:01

I'm not 100% sure about the cost

Relate have launched a brand new service especially for new parents (see you are not alone)

Info is here

I couldn't see anything about the costs but will try to find out for you

allgoingtoshitnow · 13/12/2012 20:10

I dont think you need relationship councilling, you just need to tell him what you expect. Hes having to adjust to the new circumstances, just the same as you are.

And you need to let him do the 'half arsed' housework or he'll never do it.

You also need to get out of the house a bit (the same as he does) or get your friends to come around instead.

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 20:15

You have said you're lonely, and I think that might be the main problem. You and your partner are both adjusting to having a child. He's trying to hold on to the life that he had before, and you are scared of the future. You're both having to get used to you being more dependent on him than you were before you had a baby.

I expect a lot of people will say the best thing to do is to talk to him about how you feel. This wouldn't have worked for me when I was in your situation. I would have ended up nagging or whining, or both. What we both needed was time to adjust, and I needed to meet him on equal terms, not as someone who was needy, someone who had just had a baby and was awash with hormones, on top of everything else ...

So maybe the thing to do is for you to find support from elsewhere while he is adjusting to the new situation. Then, when you feel a little bit more confident, less needy, more like your before-baby self - you could have a conversation about what is fair within a relationship.

The reason I think this is because of what your family have said, and because you say he's a good man.

But even if he isn't and you don't love him, you still need as much support as you can get, from other people imo.

Original poster
Jen547 · 13/12/2012 20:15

I do understand a need to communicate with his but I feel that when I talk to him about it he just thinks I'm moaning at him :(

And it's embarrassing to admit but I don't really have any friends. I dont like going out as I'm quite a young mum (25) and I worry that people will look at me and make a snap judgement that I must be a 'chav'. I don't go to mother and baby groups for the same reason. I feel very isolated but I know it's my own fault.

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 13/12/2012 20:18

There will be lots of other young mums at those groups (and 25 is not that young)

No one is there to judge you - they will all have their own worries and issues adapting and some may even feel like you do

Having a baby can be very isolating. Do try and get to some groups. Do talk to your DP. Perhaps write him a letter if you think it will be hard to talk?

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 20:21

It doesn't matter whose fault it is!

But it's really important that you make the effort imo. People do make snap judgements, but unless you can read minds, you'll never know what's going on inside their heads. They could equally well be thinking 'I like her hair/boots/skirt!' And since you don't know, feel free to think everyone likes you and wants to talk to you. Go around grinning like a maniac, and someone will grin back. It works, I promise!

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 20:24

Oh. I've just noticed the title of this thread.

Just don't do anything rash. At the moment, it's like letting your hormones make your decisions for you. Wait, at least until you feel more like your pre-baby self (ie the one that got you into this relationship).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2012 20:26

25 is a "young mum" ?

what are you talking about ? Confused

it sounds like your "partner" is nothing of the sort

you like him because he is "intelligent" (have you always thought you are punching above your weight and feel somewhat grateful that he chose you ?) and he is company for you ? Is that all ? Oh yes...he's a "good dad". I beg to differ there. A "good dad" does his share of childcare and shitwork, and doesn't make the woman he is supposed to love feel like she is asking for favours to expect it

I suggest you start getting out and about with baby, join some mother and baby groups, then later go back to work etc

this man should not be the centre of your universe...he doesn't fulfil the criteria of "wonderful partner" at all

I wouldn't listen to your family, btw...it sounds like they have low standards as to what constitutes a "good man" too

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 13/12/2012 20:30

You seem very lonely. But 25 is not that young, and nobody will judge you!
I know it is daunting, but could you join some post natal classes? Maybe the nhs in your area run some? Or you can ask your health visitor next time you go to the clinic? Also, there might be baby groups in your area you can join.

Dont write him off just yet. See if you can talk to him about how you feel without "moaning" - I know you dont mean to moan. But communication is key at this early stage. I also think you need to let him do half arsed work, as he needs to get used to it, and in time, he will cotton on. I hope.

YourHandInMyHand · 13/12/2012 20:33

I luff you AnyFucker. Well said.

OP instead of focusing on him I'd focus on you. Try to get out to baby groups, library, coffee mornings, etc. You are not a young mum and please don't worry about what people may think of you! Build up your confidence and self esteem and try and build up a few other local mums to meet up with. Mumsnet and netmums both have local meet up sections for this.

He sounds rather crap and useless but he may adapt I guess. Hmm Bit cyical though. Good dads don't leave baby crying on the floor mat while they go back to sleep on the sofa. Hmm

Relate usually offer a sliding scale for payment.

AfterEightMintyy · 13/12/2012 20:33

I think you need to give it longer than 3 months, I really do.

Original poster
Jen547 · 13/12/2012 20:35

anyfucker - I have never felt that I wasn't good enough for him, if anything I used to feel a bit smug that I have a profession and good qualifications while he works a min wage job. I just love that when ignorant people like myself judge him I now know he actually has 'layers' and so much more about him than I sometimes give him credit for. I appreciate the support and advice tho :)

And hey! I am young Wink lol

OP posts:
OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 13/12/2012 20:38

25 is not a 'young mum'. No one would bat an eye lid at a 25 year old with a child, what an odd view.

WRT your DP he is not doing enough, he simply isnt. Im not sure whether you should leave him or not but leaving a baby to cry on the floor while he slept is not on. A few more weeks and she'll be on the move, then what?

drownangels · 13/12/2012 20:38

Where did you get the idea you were a young mum Confused
You are 25 not 14.
You have a lazy partner who is not pulling his weight and the less you let him do, the less he will do and allow you to carry on.

drownangels · 13/12/2012 20:39

x posted with a few of you - I had the thread open for ages befose I got round to posting!

Agent0014 · 13/12/2012 20:46

Early days...you are both learning a new job...its a very very demanding new job...there needs to be lots of patience...you say he cares...try to talk about things when you are not overtired...try to understand how to talk to him so that he gets things you ask him done...fathers have different parenting styles to us...its very hard...

this is apparently very good, a friend went twice already...you get a dinner and a topic to talk over with your spouse...90 pounds is a good price I think...
www.htb.org.uk/marriage

for me finding other mother friends, going out, not relying on the father of my children for entertainment, support and constant attention helped very much...i found my now best friend in a childrens library...finding local early years activities, meeting other mums...lifeline...

Saltytomato · 13/12/2012 20:48

I am 26 and go to loads of mother and baby groups. I don't consider myself that young of a mum, although I am usually the youngest one there. Are you in London or the south east? I could recommend some to you?

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 20:52

Having your first baby is a huge upheaval at any age. And since when was 25 not young??? Now that 50 is the new 30 ...

Original poster
Jen547 · 13/12/2012 20:52

saltytomato I'm in Cheltenham, Glos but thank you for the offer :) do you mind me asking if ur married, in a relationship or single? I do worry as DP and I aren't married that people may judge us. I'm sure it's terribly old fashioned of me but as I am the only person out of my old friendship group to have a child that's why I feel 'young', most of the mums I know through work and such are sort of 28+ and mostly married.

OP posts:
redexpat · 13/12/2012 21:01

Sweetie the people of Cheltenham have seen worse than an unwed mother! Even those very stout middle class middle aged women on the prom. Why don't you start by joining the MN local page for the Shire?

FWIW I wanted to kill DH in the first few months of motherhood. But we gradually adjusted to having DS in ourr lives, and adjusted to each other again. Have you got anyone nearby who would babysit? It doesn't have to be immediately, but why dont you agree a date night or afternoon at some point in the future. It'll give you both something to look forward to.

I don't know hwere or if it's available in Cheltenham but our priest lent us DVDs of the marriage course before our wedding. It's a very good tool for really talking to each other. You might even be able to get the dvd at the library. And it's really not very Christian at all.

It will get better. I promise.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/12/2012 21:06

I had my DD at 20. I considered myself to be a young mum, but then i made friends with a lot of people at baby groups who had had their children even younger.

He sounds like a lazy arse tbh.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/12/2012 21:07

Ignore people. I had my DD at 20, wasn't married and am now a single mother at 25. The only comments i get are ones from people saying that they respect the fact that i am a single mother and doing a degree at the same time.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 13/12/2012 21:15

Jen I am 44 and have been with DP for 26 years and we are still not married. Even if we did get married, I'll not be changing my name, so if people will judge you, I'm sure they'll judge me before they know me Grin

There will always be someone who judges you, people are like that, but most people won't care. if you're married or not.

I agree with AnyFucker that a bloke looking after his child is not doing a favour, he's doing what he should be doing as a parent. My DP was always capable of looking after our DCs and provided support from the start.