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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to end my relationship?

42 replies

Jen547 · 13/12/2012 19:40

Please help me guys, I'm stuck in my head and can't see whether iabu or if I am just expecting too much...

I'm considering ending my relationship with the father of my 3mo DD. I have been very unhappy since DD was born, my life has changed to something unrecognisable, I don't blame him for this and I do understand this is just what happens when u become a parent but I feel that he is unable or unwilling to make changes to his life to accommodate our new circumstances. On his days off he goes out with friends or he sits in front of the tv and says he doesn't want to do anything as he is "tired". He does sometimes work until late but he often goes out after work and my argument then is that he has made that choice. He also doesn't consider 8hrs enough sleep and will then nap for a few hrs in the afternoon.

He also seems to treat DD as an inconvenience and if I ask him to watch her he will put her on her playmat and then play games on his phone or watch tv. He did a few morning feeds recently but I have stopped asking him as I woke to find her on the floor crying and he had gone back to sleep on the sofa.

He occasionally offers to do housework but applies the same half arsed effort to this and I have to do it again anyway so have stopped asking for help here too.

BUT... He is a good man. He constantly surprises me with how intelligent he is and he obviously cares very much for DD. he's not abusive or unkind in any way.

AIBU? My family keep telling me "he does more than a lot of men" or say I'm a nag and am unfair to him. I think sometimes I do expect him to 'entertain' me as since having DD I have lost all my friends (none of whom have children) and I am painfully lonely.

Please let me know what u think. I won't be offended if told I sound like a nagging nightmare.

OP posts:

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 21:16

You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to!

fedupdotcom · 13/12/2012 21:36

I used to feel like I was asking my dh a favour by asking him to babysit etc but that feeling soon passes. You are both still trying to get used to a new baby and as you say he dotes on dd. I imagine when he was asleep on sofa and daughter was crying he was extremely tired and just dozed off. My hubby just doesn't think like I do or do jobs like I would but I've had to learn to let him do stuff and not to re-do it as I'd go mad now I'm working full time and he is part time. He does the majority of housework now (although I know I could do it better and wish I could be p/t or sahm). I'd try and get out a bit both to parent ant toddler and for nights out alone for some much needed me time. Could you go out with siblings or siblings in law or what about a take away and glass of wine with your mom at her house? Don't listen to people telling you to get rid of him. That constantly seems to be the advice on mn. We don't know you or your relationship well enough to comment. Only you can know that. We all have bad patches in relationships sometimes. It's how you deal with them that matter. xxx

fedupdotcom · 13/12/2012 21:42

Oh and my dh (by the way we weren married when we had our first child) needs more sleep than me and it winds me up. But I know that my sis is just the same to my bro in law. He's always been the one to get up with the kids. I think in every relationship there is a person that is the 'doer' and is more organised. x

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 21:48

Good advice, fedupdotcom!

(But I know I couldn't live with someone who wasn't pulling their weight)

susanann · 13/12/2012 21:48

I dont feel he is doing enough. Having a child is daunting and exhausting. Tell him he needs to take his responsibilties more seriously. Let him look after the baby while you go out/have a leisurely bath or whatever YOU want to do to relax. You are still adjusting and maybe you are suffering with post natal depression? Ask for help. Go to doctors, ask your parents etc . Hang on in there. good luck

fedupdotcom · 13/12/2012 21:54

I used to have the same issues, feeling like I was doing most off the housework especially when I was on maternity leave. I used to moan at hubby so much. In the end he asked me to do him lists of jobs for him to do and I ended up drawing up a rota of what jobs needed doing on what days (cause I was sick of writing the same stuff down each week). He still sticks to it now years later. My kids are now 8 and 6 btw.

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 22:02

I think you should be wary of entering into a competition about whose needs are being met, tbh, and you should pick your battles.

Take a little time to think about what you want, and discuss it with him. Later.

Original poster

Jen547 · 13/12/2012 22:24

Thank you fedupdotcom, you've given me lots to consider and I will try to relinquish some control re housework. It's not majorly important but I don't think he just "dozed off". He managed to cover himself with a throw and reorganise the cushions.

susanann I have considered PND as I have felt unusually low since DD and every little thing makes me angry/sad and DDs beautiful face is the only reason i get out of bed but unfortunately I work in MH so am wary of using services as other colleagues who have have been the subject of major office gossip.

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 13/12/2012 22:29

don't think you can't make a sound judgement just because you have recently given birth.

its reasonable enough to give him a chance - but if he doesn't pull his weight, he'll have to go. you can't nurse both of them.

Solopower1 · 13/12/2012 22:36

'don't think you can't make a sound judgement just because you have recently given birth'.

No, I know, but for me it was like trying to walk in a ship that was heaving from side to side. You got where you wanted to go in the end, but it was difficult to keep your balance, and you bashed into a few walls on the way ...

OP could you go somewhere else for MH advice?

PrincessScrumpy · 13/12/2012 22:44

Your hormones will be all over the place and ime men can struggle with the tiny baby bit. They seem happier once they get smiles and feel they can do something to get a reaction. I would write down how you feel calmly and let DJ know how serious this is.
Do you go to church - often they run couples courses that are free.
It's a huge adjustment forboth of you. Get out to baby groups and meet other mums xx

misterwife · 14/12/2012 02:52

It sounds like he's not doing his share, and it sounds like you are at a low point, but don't give up now.

I agree that you should continue badgering him to do housework, even if it is a half-arsed effort. I'm not very good with the housework myself - dishes that need to be hand-washed are a no-no because I'm not thorough enough, and I can't cook - but there are certain chores which are always mine to do (hanging up the washing, taking out the bins, loading and emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the loo, and so on and so forth), so we've found a balance.

Maybe allocate certain things which are always his to do, including baby stuff? (I think that's the way we're going to manage ours - DW will do certain things which are always the same things, and then I'll do certain things which are always the same things, and then when we need a change we'll swap round. Or something. I need routines!)

susanann · 14/12/2012 12:33

re the PND and you working in MH ,OP what happened to patient confidentiality!
Thats awful! Anyway putting that aside I would still go see someone, they should be sympathetic and professional. Even if they do gossip its worth it to feel better isnt it? Its kind of ironic really!
I really hope you can sort this out. Be thinking of you. x

aamia · 14/12/2012 13:20

Getting out and about helps loads - you need to see the sunshine every day, go for a walk and go somewhere different.

On the subject of your DD's dad - my DH was a bit like that at first. In truth he was struggling to cope with the lack of sleep, with the changes of having a new baby. We sat down and talked about things, we discussed what we could do to help him adjust, and what his responsibilities were. It helped hugely. A few weeks on and things have settled into a pattern that is pretty good most days. The housework is far from perfect but it'll do, and we're happy once more. It did take some reminders though, and I hope you lost the plot when you found your DD on the floor and proper screamed at him? Men seem to need everything spelling out in black and white unfortunately...

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 14/12/2012 13:22

Perhaps you should tell him that you are considering whether you want to stay with him.

This is information that he needs to have.

It will allow the two of you to talk honestly and openly and decide together what should happen next.

Pilgit · 14/12/2012 14:03

if you decide to get some relationship counselling - relate will often give reduced rates. It really helped me and DH

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 14/12/2012 14:12

He 'often' goes out after work, does he? How many nights a week does he do that?

Basically, it's time that he cut at least one night a week out and came home to look after his child while you go out. Go to the cinema, see a friend, take an evening class, do something that's just for you. If he's not prepared to make this happen, then yes, bin him, because he thinks that he's more important than you and it won't improve.

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