to refuse to let my mother railroad me even though it would mean letting dsis down

[RailRoaded]

Right my first AIBU...

Dm has been increasingly keen over the last few years for me to involve myself in the management of the care of my younger sister. Dsis has a learning disability and is in a brilliant sheltered community.

Since I was child despite having two brothers I knew I would be the one to take over the responsibility for dsis - Not sure how this was conveyed to me it just was and dbros are v flakey.

Last month dm told me that there is a siblings meeting at dsis' community in April. I said I was interested but needed to sort a few things firs before committing. It is a five hour train journey so would mean leaving the kids for a weekend but not a big problem as dh will cope. dm is also planning to go to this meeting.

Dsis's organisation are in no hurry for people to confirm -it's months away but dm brings it up every time I speak to her. Without consulting me, dm even contacted a close relative of mine to ask him not to arrange a celebration for that weekend so that I could attend the meeting. The relative has said he will change his plans so I have no conflict on that day.

Dsis is a nice lady, a little hard work sometimes, but when my parents are not around or are incapable then I'm totally prepared to step up. But I guess while my parents are still healthy and active I wanted to have a few more years without getting so involved. I work and have young children. I already spend lots of time discussing the issue with my parents and visit a few times a year (dsis lives near dm 5 hours away).

DM has massive form for not taking no for an answer. She is also one of those that has lots of suggestions for how other people can help out but is not overly keen herself to put herself out.
AIBU to want to tell her that I resent her attempts to railroad and nag me and have decided on that basis not to attend? WIBVVU to actually not go on this basis.

To make me feel even more conflicted my own gorgeous ds has quite severe learning disabilities and I only have one other child - a daughter who I desperately want to ensure grows up without feeling her lovely bro is a burden

Yanbu at all.

Your own children must come first.

Your Mum is BVUR

I think that whilst you live 5 hours away there is little you can consistently do with regards to care.

Your Children have to be your first priority (sorry)

If your Dsis is getting help from good accomodation then visiting her is being to be great, But your mum cant pressurise you into going!

I would be inclined to say

Mum stop nagging I will let you know when I have made a decision and repeat

If that doesn´t work then I would probably just ignor mum and change the topic of conversation

Sorry you are going through this

i feel for you but also you DM. I could only imagine how it would feel to know you're getting on in years and need to find someone to care for your child (as i'm sure you will experience one day). there's no yes or no to this IMO. Its hard on both of you. Cant you just tell youre mum you will go unless something comes up with DC that means you cant?

YANBU. What your DM also has to think about is if you can't look after your DSis for whatever reason (unwell, in hospital, on holiday etc), who is going to step in and pick up the slack? And you should ask your mum why YOU were the one chosen to look after your DSis and not your DB's?

Just a couple of questions that might actually put your mum on the spot and make her think.

I think you should tell your mom that you have every intention of going and confirm it with the organisation, and tell her that you don't need to discuss it again as its 4 months away!

I do think you would be unreasonable to not go to spite your mom. It sounds like your parents do do all the work at the moment, but as its a sibling event they do need a sibling, ie you, to attend with them.

I know I will end up going but I hate the nagging. There is really no need for me to attend the meeting this year but if I don't I'll never hear the end of it.

ewaczarlie - dm knows I'll step up when needed but she is hale and hearty and retired.

If it is a meeting for siblings, why not suggest that you will go if at least one of your DBs does as well?

PackItinNow - one bro lives abroad and the other has issues of his own - I'm definitely the one.

NoTeaforMe - perhaps I'm just being passive aggressive about it reaction to all the controlling? I didn't confirm to start with as I didn't fancy going and thought my relatives celebration would be my excuse! I didn't even mention this thought to dm but she has cunningly got two steps ahead of me as always by persuading them to cancel.

"DM has massive form for not taking no for an answer."
Then I would tell her to stop nagging me or I would definitely not be attending this meeting. If she shuts up about it then it's still a maybe.

I'd also pull her up about contacting the other relative and TELLING (somehow I reckon her manner of asking would not be what I consider to be asking) them not to arrange anything for that weekend. That is one MASSIVE overstepping of acceptable boundaries.

Undoubtedly she is worried about what will happen when she's not here, and yes she could be hit by a bus tomorrow - but even so, she needs to give it a rest. You describe your brothers as flakey - is that because that was somehow conveyed to them in childhood too?

mummywithnosleep - yes it is a long way to go for a meeting but dh would be fine looking after the kids.

Are your DBs really all that flaky, or have they managed to get that reputation as children and now as adults the family still can't see them as responsible men? and/or are you sure the care assumption isn't falling to you because you're female and therefore 'carer'?

Do your brothers hold down jobs? do they have families of their own, manage their finances, complete education, be perfectly able to care as you? Sometimes it's worth looking at this and reassessing - my DUncle for years was just my mum's feckless little brother - but it took a long time (until he was nearly 40) for her to realise that actually, he was married with 3 DCs and managed to hold down a very high powered job, earned more than anyone else in the family and actually was the success story - she really found it hard to read past the family "story" of DUncle that he was a bit useless because he'd been a bit lazy at school. Look at again if they could also share the care needs.

You have a job and young DCs, you already have a lot on your plate, realistically you can't be doing much for your Dsis now while she's 5 hours away.

Perhaps it's time to explain that if anything happened to your DM, while you'd be happy to take over care, it couldn't be from 5 hours away distance and because of work etc it wouldn't be practical to relocate your family, so you would have to move your Dsis unless a closer DB is going to take over the bulk of the responsibility. If you are never going to be involved with that sheltered accomodation, is there any point you going to this sibling day (which I assume is aimed at siblings who'll be taking over care from aging parents), or should a closer brother go instead who might actually be in a position to help out your mother.

oh cross posts re your brothers - will the overseas one be overseas forever?

The point stands though, it's not like if your mum can't care for your Dsis anymore you'll be able to do it from a distance of 5 hours (depending where your DBro is overseas, he might actually be able to get to her quicker!). That is a bigger conversation to have. Does she think you'll relocate to your old home town?

I would say no because it doesn't help your Dsis to go, it doesn't help you to build a relationship with professionals you might need to be in regular contact with, and it's a lot of hassle (if it was 10 minutes from your house, I'd say go anyway to show willing, but 5 hours each way for something you know will be a bit of a waste of time?)

Whereyouleftit - I think you may have hit on something. My mum is a very strong character. In many ways she is great and has achieved a lot and I am very proud of her. But she is very single-minded. She is also a big guilt tripper and I think that all of her kids have developed an aversion to her requests because as kids they were so so loaded.

When I was a kid she would say for example "Can you tidy your room?" and before I could say yes or no she'd quickly add "Because I'm so exhausted doing all the cooking and your father didn't help me with the wallpapering and I was up all night with your younger brother...

Arghhh

Don'tmindifIdo - unfortunately my brothers really are that flakey and I've accepted I will be the main one supervising dsis' care -.

I hadn't thought about moving her as she is so settled with her friends and routines in her community. I had just assumed I'd need to commute regularly down there and keep in touch by phone. DM only sees her once every couple of months anyway.

Perhaps it wont be practical

"DM only sees her once every couple of months anyway."-even though she doesn´t work & lives nearby?

Is that because sister is an adult who has left home?

TBH, I´m not sure what this meeting will achieve either or why you need to go.

I´d be very tempted not to.

Nothing will happen to your sister if you don´t, will it?

I think that going behind your back to get the relative to change his celebration would really get my goat.

I would be very tempted to make it plain to her that I was so cross about that that I had decided I would definitely not be attending the meeting in April but might consider going the following year provided she backed off and stopped nagging. Otherwise... Oh and yes suggest that she contact one of the other siblinbgs to take your place.

I think your DM is trying to be very controlling here, but I also understand why she is. She probably has a plan in her head that 'when I'm aged X, I will start to bring RailRoaded into DSis care arrangements and begin a bit of a handover, so if I'm hit by a bus she'll know what's going on.' So I kinda understand where she's coming from too.

I think you just have to make up your mind if you're going to go to the day - don't go just cos you're pissed at your DM though. But if you really don't want to go, don't. Tell her your decision and leave it at that - don't get drawn in, either way. You do need to start changing the ground rules a bit because (presuming your DM lives a long life) I suspect she's going to want to draw you more and more into this.

If OP works & has young children, & is 5hrs away, she´s not really in a position to be taking over yet, so it does seem pointless to me tbh.

I can fully understand why you are feeling pressured and angry enough to decide not to attend, but is there any chance you might find the meeting helpful for your own needs. I'm thinking that perhaps talking to siblings of other residents and hearing about their ideas and plans for their involvement with their sibs might actually help you to set realistic boundaries about your current/future role.

it sounds a lot at the moment. too much.
when you were growing up and your mum tried to teach you that you would be 'the responsible one', neither you nor she could have known that you would have children, or have a child with additional needs. ok, you and your husband manage fine (you must do if he can be trusted a whole weekend on his own with the children ), but that doesn't mean you have spare capacity to take on your sister's issues.
tell your mum that at this stage, the five hour journey isn't on. maybe later. or, if you know you aren't going to be free to take over from your parents, tell them. and stick to it. your sister is their daughter, not yours.

Thanks you are all being very kind. Dm is a pretty amazing person - she is a talented artist and is putting a show together so is also very busy. Dsis is in her thirties and very well supported and involved in lots of great activities by the staff.

Mainly I feel privileged to have a family to care for but my mum rubs me up the same way. She is however lovely with my kids when she visits and great source of moral support with ds and his needs.

I think you are right I feel overwhelmed at times. I know we are all only an accident or an illness away from being lifelong carers for loved ones but in my case I know for an absolute facts that both my dsis and ds will depend on me in some way for the rest of my life. I've not quite got my head round it - perhaps as the kids get a bit older and, at least in the case of my pre-school daughter, more independent, things will feel easier

inmylife - it is a good point that actually it might be nice to meet fellow siblings.
peaceandlovebunny -dh is great with the kids and round the house. I thank my mum's feminism for ensuring I picked well there

"but my mum rubs me up the same way."
To be honest, I can see why, given that example you gave of childhood guilt-tripping room-tidying. I know you said " In many ways she is great and has achieved a lot and I am very proud of her.", but personally I am a little wary of people who achieve a lot at the expense of others.

Do you think she's aware of what she's doing? And how do you think she would react to being called to account?

WhereyouleftIt - I'm not sure where the balance lies between self-sacrifice and self-realisation but she did a lot for all her kids - kept a clean house, healthy food, checked our homework etc while pursuing her own interests. Pretty amazing stuff. It was just that the resentment was palpable.

I should have said yes straight away. Now I feel that if I agree to go she will take it as a vindication that she was right to keep on at me as she achieved her goal.

When will the next sibling´s meeting be?

Can you not agree to go to that?

"kept a clean house, healthy food, checked our homework etc while pursuing her own interests."-nothing unusual in that-just being a mum!

To be honest I can see where your mum is coming from - she's asked you to go to this thing and you have refused to give her an answer! It must be very irritating, which is why she keeps on asking.

Why not just tell her yes or no, and then not hear anymore about it? It seems unnecessary to keep her (and your sister?) hanging on.