to refuse to let my mother railroad me even though it would mean letting dsis down

[RailRoaded]

Right my first AIBU...

Dm has been increasingly keen over the last few years for me to involve myself in the management of the care of my younger sister. Dsis has a learning disability and is in a brilliant sheltered community.

Since I was child despite having two brothers I knew I would be the one to take over the responsibility for dsis - Not sure how this was conveyed to me it just was and dbros are v flakey.

Last month dm told me that there is a siblings meeting at dsis' community in April. I said I was interested but needed to sort a few things firs before committing. It is a five hour train journey so would mean leaving the kids for a weekend but not a big problem as dh will cope. dm is also planning to go to this meeting.

Dsis's organisation are in no hurry for people to confirm -it's months away but dm brings it up every time I speak to her. Without consulting me, dm even contacted a close relative of mine to ask him not to arrange a celebration for that weekend so that I could attend the meeting. The relative has said he will change his plans so I have no conflict on that day.

Dsis is a nice lady, a little hard work sometimes, but when my parents are not around or are incapable then I'm totally prepared to step up. But I guess while my parents are still healthy and active I wanted to have a few more years without getting so involved. I work and have young children. I already spend lots of time discussing the issue with my parents and visit a few times a year (dsis lives near dm 5 hours away).

DM has massive form for not taking no for an answer. She is also one of those that has lots of suggestions for how other people can help out but is not overly keen herself to put herself out.
AIBU to want to tell her that I resent her attempts to railroad and nag me and have decided on that basis not to attend? WIBVVU to actually not go on this basis.

To make me feel even more conflicted my own gorgeous ds has quite severe learning disabilities and I only have one other child - a daughter who I desperately want to ensure grows up without feeling her lovely bro is a burden

"I should have said yes straight away. Now I feel that if I agree to go she will take it as a vindication that she was right to keep on at me as she achieved her goal."
Well for me, there's your answer. Use this as an opportunity to give your mother some badly-needed boundaries. This class is not the be-all and end-all, surely the sheltered community run these classes periodically? (Annually?) Next time she raises the subject, I would say something along the lines of -

"I am very annoyed at you. You made

I would just say no. A ten hour round trip for a meeting sounds ridiculous to me. You have your own children to take care of and it doesn't sound as though your mum is doing much herself in relation to your sister's care. Which is fine as DSis sounds well settled but means your mum should not be making you feel guilty. Can't you just ask for a report of the meeting afterwards? Or maybe you could join in the meeting by phone and save yourself the journey.

Much empathy from me. I'm in a similar position, only there is just me and one younger sister with severe learning difficulties. Dsis is in 24 hour supported accomodation and my parents feel I should be taking a bigger role in her care as they get older. Trouble is, I have toddler children who she can't be left with and my OH works weekends....

This seems to lead to all manner of passive aggressive conversations where nothing seems the right response. If you go, things will be okay for a while (but only a short while) and if you don't go you'll just get more passive aggression and controlling behaviour.

It's difficult to understand at times, but I think ultimately, it's your DM looking out for your Dsis not you. Bad as it sounds, I've taken to 'dodging the bullet' and decreasing my contact with my parents due to this.

So go, don't go. Won't make any difference really...sorry not to be more help.