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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in not wanting to everyone else's Christmas shopping

75 replies

creamteas · 12/12/2012 19:45

I do not live close to any of my family. I met up with some at the end of Nov and gave them presents and have posted the rest.

Over the last few days I have had a series of calls/emails from my family asking what my DC want for Christmas. It's great that they want to give them something but all the conversations seem to go:

Them: So good presents would be x,y,z

CTeas: Yes that would be great, thanks

Them: Well I'm not sure how I could get them to you

CTeas: You could order online or post etc etc or if that is a problem, I'm sure they would be happy with money/vouchers

Them: I don't like giving money/vouchers, I'll sent you the money and you can get them

CTeas: I'm not really sure I have time, I'm working pretty solidly till Christmas, that's why I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago

Them: They won't get a present unless you buy it for me

None of these conversations involve anyway who is elderly or has a disability. None of them are difficult suggestions (eg one is Men in Black 3 DVD).

Surely you either care enough about someone to put the effort in and organise a present or you don't. You should not expect other people to do your present buying for you.

OP posts:

justmyview · 12/12/2012 21:53

How about............ if relatives give you £20 for each child, you order something online which costs £17 + £3 delivery. Child still gets a present. Not a huge inconvenience to you.

If relatives complain that they wanted to give a present which cost £20 and wanted to avoid paying for delivery, you just say politely that you didn't have time to go shopping.

Might that work?

Snog · 12/12/2012 21:58

Relatives are not moaning about delivery costs here its the patents who insist that it's not worth buying on behalf of "lazy" relatives who are apparently taking the piss with their offers to bankroll the patents choice of gift

Snog · 12/12/2012 21:59

Parents not patents...

PiggyPlumPudandMincePies · 12/12/2012 22:09

It might have been better if relatives had not left it so late to decide to send money. With less than two weeks to go, time is at a premium.

I have all but finished our shopping but are still waiting for PIL to send money, don't know how much. they expect us to buy whatever for the DC.

Just send the bloody money earlier and I wouldn't mind so much.

familyfun · 12/12/2012 22:14

i started a smiliar thread last year, i asked mil if she wanted suggestions for dds, she said no she had chosen something herself, i did all my shopping and wrapped it up using all my paper, 5 days before xmas she gave me the money and told me what she wanted to buy and wrap. i felt i had to do it so had to go shopping in mad rush, buy present and paper and wrap them and told dp i wouldnt do it again.

i was told on mn i was ungrateful and should be pleased i had a mil who wanted to give my dds a gift each. she is retired and had plenty of time but couldnt be arsed.

i am also told on mn that if someone has bought a present and turn up unannounced and disrupt plans you must let them in as they bear gifts. or if they leave it till last minute and decide they want to come over tomorrow with the present you must stay in as they bear gifts.

yanbu, they are lazy, dont do it again just give them the money

Snog · 12/12/2012 22:15

Yes the bastard insulting lazy relative scum that they all are, how very dare they give you money to spend on your own kids a couple of weeks before chtistmas, how rude and unreasonable can folk be?

Original poster

creamteas · 12/12/2012 22:17

Not sure what you mean by 'gifts of choice' . I am not demanding certain items, and if they wanted to choose and buy their own presents I would be delighted.

But given that they can't be bothered to shop, the chances of thinking for themselves what the DC might like is extremely unlikely.

They ask for suggestions and I am always careful to ensure that the things I suggest are 1) easily available and 2) range in price from about £5 to £20 to give the caller a choice in what to spend.

But this whole conversation is pointless as they have no intention of buying anything!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 12/12/2012 22:20

Sending money as a gift is fine.

Sending money and demanding I go purchase x, wrap it etc is not.

Between now and Xmas I have 3 dc to take to various school performances/parties, a panto, a grandparents birthday party and a funeral. Oh and I work shifts with no time off over Christmas and new year.

I physically could not go and do anymore shopping now as I don't have any time to do it.

Snog · 12/12/2012 22:31

But fundamentally I think you are overly demanding and ungrateful and entitled in this respect and its pointless and dispiriting reiterating this.

peeriebear · 12/12/2012 22:39

Calm down Snog... Don't pop a valve

I'm with OP (and 99% of people on the thread)... OP did all her Christmas shopping weeks ago because she is BUSY. Relatives saying "You must go out into the hellish throng of the high street again and do MY shopping now because I can't be arsed to go to the post office or even order online" is just presumptuous and rude!

ENormaSnob · 12/12/2012 22:40

I think some people just have more time than others and are happy acting the mug.

Other people are happy to take advantage of this as their time is far more precious.

DamonSalvatoreIsMyLoveSlave · 12/12/2012 22:49

Yanbu I nearly had the same this year with one close relative asking if they could give me money to buy presents for our dc and wrap them. But these relatives only live an hour away and are spending Christmas Day at our house anyway.

Plus we buy presents for these relatives too, so not only do I have to think up wonderful, thoughtful presents to buy for our relatives, and buy them, and wrap them, I'm also expected to think of things to get my dc from them and buy them, and wrap them, so that they can then give them to our dc on Christmas Day...

They said they haven't had time (they told me this 2 weeks ago ) but they are both retired but they are both only just at retirement age and perfectly fit and healthy and often go to the shops.

I just said to them to give the kids the money in a card and that they will like that just as much. I get so stressed sorting Christmas. I can't handle buying other people's presents too!

SantaWearsGreen · 12/12/2012 23:01

Yanbu. I think it is lazy and rude.

Fair enough just giving money which you gave them as an option but to refuse to do that and instead insist that you do all of the effort going to the shops to get the gifts? Its just so very silly. Do they not know how to shop online? Just put your address as delivery address.. Its hardly difficult.

Personally I would just give DC the money. I'm sure they will be thrilled anyway, after about age ten money was my favourite gift.

Original poster

creamteas · 12/12/2012 23:08

I'm glad most don't think AIBU and I've decided not to shop and just give the kids the cash.

With any luck this will also mean some peace and quiet after Christmas as they can go into town together and shop whilst I put my feet up at home

OP posts:

Snog · 14/12/2012 21:01

Don't be suprised if this is the last time your kids get anything from these relatves would be my caution - I expect they will take the view that it is you who is "lazy" not themselves

TheSkiingGardener · 14/12/2012 22:11

Oh Snog, you are so the person that makes these phone calls and demands and then congratulates themselves on being generous and lovely aren't you?

Snog · 15/12/2012 10:14

As much as you are so the person who refuses to help your relatives give gifts to your own children and derides them for making insufficient effort according to your own terms because what they have done is not enough for you and they have not passed your test of what it is to give a gift properly

I don't give gifts like this because i prefer to choose myself which i think is quite a selfish approach really - but i am delighted to receive them.

HandbagCrab · 15/12/2012 10:32

Yanbu. I loathe this idea that if you give a gift you get to add loads of stipulations and strings and what not because you are oh so generous. A gift should be freely given. If they don't want to give things but cash then so be it. A gift of cash that has to be spent on x, y or z that you have to go and buy and wrap up and sort out is not a freely given gift.

Well done op for getting all your Xmas presents sorted anyway! I have hardly done a thing and I am finding it very liberating :)

DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2012 10:58

Snog, but the relatives won't be giving a gift, they will be funding someone else giving a gift, not the same thing - they could just give money as a gift, they could go pick a random gift themselves and post it, they could call for suggestions, then buy those things and post them, or they could order on line and have delivered to the OP (asking nicely if she would mind wrapping the gifts if it's from a shop that doesn't do gift wrapping), or they could tell the OP she has to go buy a gift to be given from them because they can't be bothered with any of the options above.

OP, I hope you aren't shopping for them today, it's not going to be fun out there!!!

Sonnet · 15/12/2012 11:33

Snog, I would be interested in what you think of my scenario. I have a Sil with children the same age and sex as mine. She starts her xmas shopping in September going to London and Birmingham for Xmas shopping days. She is very generous towards her children and they get the most Mavelous well thought out presents. Roll on to a week before Xmas asking me what my children want. It is then followed by a 'can you get it for them and I will give you the cash when I see you' .i dutifully buy and wrap the presents. this had happened for 16 years with only 2 occasions when it has not. the first all of her nieces and nephews got the same cushion for their bedroom (she bought a job lot!) the second was when I was I'll just before xmas and couldn't go and buy the pressi so they got nothing that year!

rogersmellyonthetelly · 15/12/2012 11:43

I have this problem. I just buy extra gifts for my dc an the people in question transfer the cash to me. Saves hassle and postage costs/getting lost in post. Yes im sad and organised but my relations are very grateful!
If they don't get used at Christmas, they get put aside for the next birthday.

peeriebear · 15/12/2012 13:16

My grandparents have just sent us a generous cheque so I can buy all of us a present each. The difference here is that my grands live in Shetland, my nan is very ill and housebound, not tremendously tech savvy (ordering online is a no), and wants us to pick something we really want. OP's relation simply can't be bothered to do it.

SarahWarahWoo · 15/12/2012 17:57

Take the money and order it, for the older ones ask if they want the cash. Be happy that people want to buy presents and make sure that they get s thank you card/note

BlingLoving · 15/12/2012 18:04

YANBU. My mother does this. And more irritatingly, it's always at the last minute so I run around buying gifts, wrapping them etc after ive already done all mine. and half the time I don't even get the money back.

Snog · 15/12/2012 18:49

Sonnet my view is that generally your SIL gives you money to get stuff for your dc that you know they want which is better than something random she chose that they don't necessarily want. It is of course much easier to shop for your own kids as you probably know better what they like than anyone else.

Since this happens every year there is presumably nothing to stop you buying earlier than the week before when she asks? Presumably you prefer choosing the presents yourself to having her buy a cushion that nobody really wanted?

If your dc got nothing one year, not even the cash then unless there was a good reason I do think this was a bit crap of SIL.

Are the rest of you happier with inappropriate unwanted gifts for your dc just as long as you don't have to go to the shops yourselves? Personally I think it's wasteful to have gifts exchanged that aren't wanted or valued, especially if the recipients don't usually get much in the way of material stuff. I guess if your kids get a lot of consumer items anyway it doesn't matter so much if what they get isn't what they wanted.

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