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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give these children christmas presents

64 replies

munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 18:20

Please help me adjudicate the argument I have scheduled with DH tonight. We usually send the children of friends a small present (usually a book) at christmas. As the years have gone on more and more friends have kids and this year has been a birth explosion. We have also had out own first child.

So while i am happy to send presents to the children of one or two best friends, I am not sure we should continue to send to everyone as now it looks grabby. What I imagine will happen is that they will not send, then feel guilty when presents arrive, then make sure they send next year and begin a cycle of reluctant gift buying. Its also getting out of hand in terms of numbers of kids and i hate the idea of people feeling compelled to send us something at a busy and expensive time of the year.

DH suggested we send to those that we have done for years and not the new babies but then I am sending to the oldest children, not necessarily the children we know best. Some of these friends also know each other so could be awkward if they find out I sent to one older child but not the new baby.

I would prefer to only send to 4 kids we know best. If other pressies to our baby drop through door i will run to post office that day with the reciprocal gift. DH thinks we look tight and as if now we have a baby we cant be bothered about other peoples kids.

Please adjudicate ladies of mumsnet - I will abide by your decision!

OP posts:
bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 12/12/2012 18:23

Honestly neither is 'right' so i don't know.

but this < the argument I have scheduled with DH tonight. > made me LOL. Xmas Grin

ZZZenAgain · 12/12/2012 18:24

How many presents are we looking at here if you send to everyone dh thinks should get a gift?

Generally though I don't think you need to send presents for the dc of all your friends. I certainly don't expect it, only perhaps if someone was coming for a meal at Christmas or staying with us at that time.

mummymeister · 12/12/2012 18:25

just send something very small to the main 4 rather than something for everyone. we send to the children of our dcs godparents only and let our dcs choose 2 friends only to give small (less than £5) gifts to. otherwise it just goes mad. could you maybe have a coffee morning type thing and invite other friends with dcs around during the school hols and make biscuits that sort of thing in lieu of a present. just a thought.

munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 18:26

4 of best friends (2 x 2 sibs) i agree should get.
9 other kids are on the list of old (or because their sibs traditionally are)
4 babies have been rejected on the grounds that this is getting insane

OP posts:
Sirzy · 12/12/2012 18:27

Could you send a small present per family instead?

There is no "right or wrong" though

ZZZenAgain · 12/12/2012 18:28

try it this year with the 4 you have in mind and see how it goes. It is not forever, if it wasn't right, you can adjust it next year

tittytittyhanghang · 12/12/2012 18:28

How about instead of books for a few select children buying each child a cheap(er) selection box.

Also not sure if this is what you meant but I wouldn't buy for the older children and leave younger siblings out.

I think I would be buy all or buy none.

munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 18:29

I can't really have them round as they are all spread over the country. We are only talking small gifts. Books i got 2 for one and chocolate added in for the best friends.

OP posts:
imaginethat · 12/12/2012 18:31

I think you need to talk to your friends. They may well feel the same way and be happy to end the gift exchange. It may save you years of reluctant present sending

sue52 · 12/12/2012 18:32

Break the cycle. It will save a lot of bother and the world will keep on turning.

mellowcat · 12/12/2012 18:33

Could you buy one or two of those £10 packs of 10 books from somewhere like the book people and then split them between the children?

KittyFane1 · 12/12/2012 18:33

Agree with sirzy Send one present to each family only.
A food 'treat' of box of biscuits, a cake would be good.

KittyFane1 · 12/12/2012 18:35

Good idea from mellowcat too! My DD's nursery used to do that with books. Look on the Book people's website.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 12/12/2012 18:37

"Please help me adjudicate the argument I have scheduled with DH tonight."

Grin

Note to self:
"Dont forget to schedule an argument"

I think you should stop all Christmas presents to children who are not your god children.

  • Gavel
Wink
LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 12/12/2012 18:39

It's a nightmare...I ended up with buying for 25 kids, this was a combination of my friends and DHs once we got together, my DB has 6 kids, his DS has 4. A couple of years ago I just asked the parents if they minded if we stopped, only SIL did, but then she only had to buy for my DS. I was really relieved when we did this, it had just got crazy.
Good luck OP, just buy this Christmas then tell everyone the new plan in the New Year.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2012 18:42

Tell him to do it if he wants he done and then leave him to it.

It's a bit rich for him to insist on it being done when he's not the one that does it.

Goldenjubilee10 · 12/12/2012 18:44

I would speak to the parents suggesting you stop. I'm sure they will be quite happy.

PoppyWearer · 12/12/2012 18:44

A few years back a friend got in touch and suggested we all stop buying for each others' DCs as it had got out of control and there were too many to buy for now.

I was SO pleased she said that!

To avoid the reluctant gift-giving, just make it explicit, say to your friends what you're doing. Make a small charity donation instead or give a toy to a charity instead, and tell then you've done that. No one can complain then, you all know where you stand!

munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 18:48

Presents are bought £2.50 books but can go back. Sending biscuits etc still looks like we want a gift back I think. Also then I'd wonder why we were sending to some pals but not others (I.e. those pals with no kids get nada).

Doesn't everyone schedule arguments? Otherwise they might crop up when something good is on tv.

OP posts:
maddening · 12/12/2012 18:48

Maybe just talk to him and schedule an argument if you can't come to a decision?

My friend asked that we not do gifts this year to save money - I thought nothing of it and was quite glad to save money :)

fryingpanalley · 12/12/2012 18:50

Goldenjubilee has the right idea. We've done this, everyone was happy, kids didn't notice.

Blu · 12/12/2012 18:54

Sending out 9 gifts to friends children is insane. And you'll have to stop eventually - all those teens!

Just say 'shall we all agree to stop mutual children's christmas presents? I know ours will be buried under the heap at this rate, so none for us, please!"

You can't be accused of being tight if you do it in the very yar that they would start reciprocating and sending a present to YOUR baby!

Picturesinthefirelight · 12/12/2012 18:56

We will just be buying for the baby of close friends of dh. There is one other couple who if they ever have children we would buy for (dh's best friend) but no one else.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 12/12/2012 18:57

"Sending out 9 gifts to friends children is insane"

We have to send out 75 gifts!

ghosteditor · 12/12/2012 18:58

Tell your DH that he is welcome to buy and post gifts for the other children but you will be sending to the aforementioned four.

I'm sure he'll see you side of it then Grin

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