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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give these children christmas presents

64 replies

munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 18:20

Please help me adjudicate the argument I have scheduled with DH tonight. We usually send the children of friends a small present (usually a book) at christmas. As the years have gone on more and more friends have kids and this year has been a birth explosion. We have also had out own first child.

So while i am happy to send presents to the children of one or two best friends, I am not sure we should continue to send to everyone as now it looks grabby. What I imagine will happen is that they will not send, then feel guilty when presents arrive, then make sure they send next year and begin a cycle of reluctant gift buying. Its also getting out of hand in terms of numbers of kids and i hate the idea of people feeling compelled to send us something at a busy and expensive time of the year.

DH suggested we send to those that we have done for years and not the new babies but then I am sending to the oldest children, not necessarily the children we know best. Some of these friends also know each other so could be awkward if they find out I sent to one older child but not the new baby.

I would prefer to only send to 4 kids we know best. If other pressies to our baby drop through door i will run to post office that day with the reciprocal gift. DH thinks we look tight and as if now we have a baby we cant be bothered about other peoples kids.

Please adjudicate ladies of mumsnet - I will abide by your decision!

OP posts:
Catsu · 12/12/2012 18:59

I think it's a bit late to not send one now if you usually do every year!
I'd send a present this year and then in the new year suggest that you stop going forward as this year was a bit overwhelming for you

nilbyname · 12/12/2012 19:00

Send out a group mail and say that you will always buy for birthdays but as the numbers grow it seems to make sense not to buy for all the kids now. The kids won't even know and parents will be relieved. We have done this I my circle with no bad feelings

Original poster
munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 19:34

So fairly unanimous. I will return post show down!

To be fair on him he isn't asking me to do this as he chose the books with me and would help wrap them tonight.

OP posts:
HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 12/12/2012 19:40

I agree with majority, OP.

Fwiw, I fight to keep presents away from my DCs. They don't need or want half of what they're given by well-meaning relatives (a box of last year's unused toys are going to a women's shelter next week) so adding friends into the mix would be lunacy.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 12/12/2012 19:40

tin of sweets to each family.

Pandemoniaa · 12/12/2012 19:49

OK. From next Christmas onwards (by which time there may well be more children to consider) you give family presents. Posh biscuits, tins of sweets, whatever. That way you get off this terrible cycle of indecision and/or insanity.

thegreylady · 12/12/2012 20:00

Board game for each family and board book, for babies until old enough to play?

Rhubarbgarden · 12/12/2012 20:18

I'm going to be a lone voice of dissent and agree with your dh that it might look like you can't be bothered now you've got a baby. Careful handling required.

It's too late for this year. Send small presents to all of them and then discuss it with the parents next year. Be careful though - some people might take offence. I suggested to a friend years ago that we should stop buying each other presents. She agreed but secretly took umbrage and there have been passive aggressive comments ever since. Hmm

zlist · 12/12/2012 20:27

I really wish that some well meaning relatives and friends would stop giving to the DC - I'm afraid it amounts to more clutter, guilt reciprocation and another thankyou note note in my eyes.

Original poster
munchkinmaster · 12/12/2012 23:25

No further forward. Interestingly he read the thread as many people agreeing with him! When we established that this was not the case, he then concluded you're all wrong and he's right.

OP posts:
sashh · 13/12/2012 05:18

I think you should write to them all and suggest a secret santa between you so that everyone's child gets a gift but parents are only buying two or three extras.

CSIJanner · 13/12/2012 05:24

Buy the family's a goat in Africa each. Or sponsor a monkey at the local zoo. or as Sashh says, secret Santa if you all know each other.

However, with PP, it would be better to talk to your friends as they probably feel the same way. What I would say though is that you have left it too late this year so will have to suck up buying for everyone this Christmas and then have the conversation next year, say in late October, early November.

OhTheConfusion · 13/12/2012 05:31

I agree with the posters who say you should send all this year and then speak up long before christmas next year. I would really not like it if my eldest child recieved a christmas gift and my younger ones didn't Sad

Coralanne · 13/12/2012 05:53

Don't know what is the best thing to do but I would like to commend your DH for his thoughtfullness in even being concerned about the presents. I'll bet not many DH's would even think of this.

So Cheers to your DH for Christmas.

Maybe send a "Family Gift".

My DM (God bless her) sends birthday cards to everyone in our HUGE family. Every one 10 and under receives cash in their cards and any one over this just gets a card.

My Dsis's DGD turns 11 this weekend and DM gave her the card to give her. Dsis got a very grim look on her face when she saw that no cash went into the card. It's not the lack of cash that upset her. It's the idea that DM "Doesn't care" once they reach 11.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 13/12/2012 06:52

75 fanjo????????? WTF??!!

ChristmasSpiritEndorphins · 13/12/2012 07:02

So, 17 children this year? Set an age limit right away! Maybe age 18?
Sending the families a box of candy or something, as suggested above, is a good solution.
Or send each child a card with 5 pounds voucher for a book store in it? Saves on the postage anyways, of mailing the books.
You could buy one or two vouchers a month during the year, so you have a nice pile of vouchers by next December.

FamiliesShareGerms · 13/12/2012 07:10

We have gazillions of children in our close family and friends. Each year I send out an email setting out my preferred approach to presents, and mostly people agree (DSis still wants to buy adult presents too, so we are on that side of the family). Eg this year the "rules" are:

  • adults with children don't get a present
  • adults without children do
  • children's presents have a £15 limit
  • DH and I don't want presents
  • don't feel obliged to get our DC a present

As long as you are clear, people don't seem to mind. But you do need to do this in good time, otherwise people may well already have gone to the time, effort and expense of buying you something. So maybe it's a bit late to shift completely this year (ie give family presents this year, no presents next year?)

Finally, be prepared for lots of presents for your baby: there's something about a first Christmas that seems to make people buy presents (including people you really wouldn't have expected). So it may be tricky this year to stop wider present buying, unless eg finances mean that you don't really have a choice

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 13/12/2012 07:11

one box of Xmas sweets per family?

fuzzpig · 13/12/2012 07:16

75?!?

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 13/12/2012 07:17

What about sending a small tree decoration per family instead? Would be a lovely yearly tradition.

I used to buy for tons of kids. Now we do secret santa for my NCT group there are 14 kids now but I get 2 gifts) and my own neices (there are 11 but I only buy for 3). Also only buy for my very close friends (8) and not for others.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 13/12/2012 08:55

Yes..two large families, friends with lots of kids. It is like running a small mail order business at Christmas here.

Actually I am Santa Xmas Grin

Original poster
munchkinmaster · 13/12/2012 09:09

Thanks for all replies.

To be clear - I wasn't suggesting we get for some siblings but not others. If kids have always got then their new siblings would get too. I don't think it's wise for us to buy for new first born babies as there have been no mutterings of gifts, I've seen some mums for last time before Christmas already and we didn't feel the need to do gifts and they have no warning that we do this type of thing.

This then leaves me buying for X as they had their first child 6 years ago and not Y as they had their first child this year.

I am no longer buying for the closest friends - just the most fertile! Some of these people we never see as we were close when kids were born but have moved etc.

Can't do secret Santa as actually quite disparate friends who don't know one another.

Also all gifts will be posted so biscuits etc could be worse and I think odd to send, not odd if you are dropping by.

I think I will send this year and put a stop to next year. But I honestly think friends will forget to send to our baby - then will look like sour grapes. I simply think other people will have better things on their mind.

It's not the cost - can manage that. It's the awkwardness of thrusting an unwanted gift, which makes then go ''oh shit - we didn't get for baby munchkin." When there was no baby munchkin was happy to buy for all and feel its a different thing for childless pals to indulge other people's kids with no expectation of reciprocity.

OP posts:
dappleton · 13/12/2012 09:13

I'd be tempted to 'ease' your way out by sending one present per family (chocolates for example) and addressing it from your DC - it breaks the cycle in that the gift is no longer 'from munchkinmaster' and as it's your DC's first Christmas I think it still gives you the option of sending nothing next year. Xmas Hmm

Lemonylemon · 13/12/2012 09:37

What about buying a special story book for the parents to read to their children, accompanied by home made cookies (if you have the time), which they could have with their bedtime drink. You could do a special letter addressed to the children explaining it.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 13/12/2012 10:26

Since you have your own first baby now, stop sending gifts and people will put it down to you having your hands full with the baby. Then forget to reactivate the tradition and it will fade out.

Last year we had 11 gifts to buy for children and a lot of the parents were Blush "We didn't get yours anything". I was honestly not offended, but relieved and took 11 kids off my list who were too young to notice anyway. Phew! Nobody minded and my shopping list is a lot cheaper!

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