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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spending our joint money on his DCs

450 replies

ilikelongnaps · 12/12/2012 15:36

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/12/2012 22:25

They may have been slightly cheaper than that if they were the new mini iPads, but, still, that's irrelevant.

But you must have read the OP differently to me. I didn't get that the OP was paying for all the treats and clothing for her dc, I got that those things were paid for out of the family stuff account.

The iPads came out of his own money, the treats for his three dds will all come out of the same account.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/12/2012 22:26

She doesn't have to fund it, absolutely not. But she does have to raise her family on what is left after the first family are taken care of. They were there first.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/12/2012 22:31

DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

^^^

From the op saying joint acc is for needs her acc is dd's or her wants then goes on to say that she used her own acc to pay for dd's presents not the joint acc

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 13/12/2012 22:32

Doesn't matter which children "were here first". If a man has children in his "new" family then they are just as important I'm afraid.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/12/2012 22:38

She doesn't have to fund it, absolutely not. But she does have to raise her family on what is left after the first family are taken care of. They were there first.

So second family second best then? Why should he be lavish with first family ( assuming he also pays maintainance ) but tight with subsequent children that are also his? The step parent should under no circumstances be funding lavish gifts or treats if it means her own dc's go with out.

If the situations were reversed and he was blowing hundreds on gifts for new dc's and shopping trips and McDonald's whilst being tight with his original children all hell would break lose and he would be flamed.

nkf · 13/12/2012 22:43

I think the step children issue is a red herring in this case. Ipads are expensive and I think it's not on to buy two of them from a joint account, particularly not when the joint account isn't as fat as usual due to the OP being on maternity pay. It's not practical or reasonable to do this.

NotaDisneyMum · 13/12/2012 22:43

What kind of woman really expects financial support for her DCs from her exH's DP?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 13/12/2012 22:50

I think I might just reside myself to the fact that the child I have with my partner will never be an equal priority to his older sister (partner's daughter). He can live off beans and wear clothes too small for him, he'll be reet. I mean, he isn't that important is he that he should have the same basic needs met as his sister should too, because he came "second".

But then of course I forgot, any siblings she would have had if her mum and dad were still together they would all be equal. I get it now.

Kiwiinkits · 13/12/2012 23:03

I think if things are that tight that we couldn't afford nappies and milk, I'd be thinking very seriously about finding ways to bring some extra money into the household. What are your skills, OP? Can you find a way to bring in some cash?

Kiwiinkits · 13/12/2012 23:04

OP, it also sounds like you were scrimping and budgeting based on an assumption that he was too. Had you talked about it? Did he know that that's what you were doing?

Arisbottle · 13/12/2012 23:14

It is not that my DH's ex wife expects me to support her child, rather she does expect my DH to and we are a financial unit.

We also respect the fact that she put her career on hold to be at home with our stepson and lost years paid into her pension.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 13/12/2012 23:30

Ok. This is getting silly now. A man and woman have a child. They have parental responsibilty of which financial responsibility comes part and parcel. Man and woman split and get new partners and have other children. Again the respective parents have parental responsibility and financial responsibility for respective children. The end!!! I am a lone parent, my DD is mine and her fathers financial responsibility. If I meet another long term partner it will be his CHOICE not his obligation whether or not to financially contribute to DD. However he will have no right to decide where she lives, her education or even to attend her school play if tickets are sparse. So does he have a legal or moral obligation to pay for her?...NO, its a choice and if he has his own kids or other financial responsibilities should he be vilified for this? Absolutely not. OP YA fucking NBU FFS!!

Moominsarescary · 13/12/2012 23:33

My exh pays maintenance, a whole £25 a week but he's on a low wage.

I don't expect his other child to have to go without so he can take ours to mcd or buy expensive presents. I think it's odd that anyone thinks that children from a second relationship should be raised on whatever's left because the first dc deserve treats.

PoppyPrincess · 13/12/2012 23:37

So if the theory is right that any child who is here first should come first, is that the same in a family where the parents are still together? Because surely that's the same right?
I just find that a totally ludicrous theory!
Does that mean that if my DP was to spoil his DC before we had our baby then I get to spoil my DS the way I could before I had baby? No of course not! If DP lost his job then does that mean he should still carry on spoiling the kids the way he used to, well after all why should they suffer? No...if there is less money to go round then yes it's crap but its just the way of life and its a valuable lesson in life which will do children no harm to learn...you can only spend money once. It doesn't matter what the reason is, new baby, new house, new car, no job...if the money isn't there they can't have hundreds of £££££ spent on them.
This is what is wrong with the youth of today, they're spoilt and everything is handed to them on a plate. We were so poor growing up but I honestly think I have turned out a better person for it. I know how to save, I appreciate nice things, I know the value of money, I look after my stuff etc. this next generation just want everything handed to them on a plate because parents don't want their poor darlings to have to save for their precious iPads!

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 13/12/2012 23:37

No one, whether chronologically the 'first' or 'second' family, should have to raise their kids on what is 'left over' from the others. Budgeting should be done with all the kids in mind and considered fairly. It just doesn't sound like that is happening here.

PoppyPrincess · 13/12/2012 23:47

kiwi omg so now you want OP to go out earning whilst she's on mat leave?! Now I've heard it all!
The point is that her DH should be taking financial responsibility and ensuring that they can cope financially, not going out spending ridiculous amounts of money on his dd's, probably in an attempt to over compensate for the fact that he has a new baby.
HE should be looking after money so that OP doesn't need to be worrying, she should be looking after her baby not going out at night to earn extra cash to fund his spending!
I do really feel for OP, I imagine for once in her life she probably just wants to be looked after, not having to scrimp and scrape whilst her DH obviously isn't worrying about money!

Redbindy · 13/12/2012 23:53

This situation is a good example of why the bible forbids adultery.

exoticfruits · 13/12/2012 23:55

People have more than one marriage without committing adultery!

Arisbottle · 14/12/2012 00:02

I don't think it is about one child being worth more than another, rather you should not have another child if you can't meet the needs of the existing children , whatever the family arrangement .

However when you have a situation where one parent has left the family home and set up home with another partner , extra care has to be taken to ensure the previous family are not left feeling abandoned or neglected .

Arisbottle · 14/12/2012 00:04

Poppy if you don't spoil your children in the first place they will not have to adjust when another child comes along ,

Moominsarescary · 14/12/2012 00:12

My dc doesn't need iPads and mcd.

You don't know that he left the family home and set up home with someone else. They could have been divorced for years.

Me and exp had been separated for 7 years before either of us met someone else and had more children

Arisbottle · 14/12/2012 00:17

My husband was divorced before he met me. That doesn't change the fact that he was married to someone else and had a child with her and then left. Ok it was a few years down the line before he married me but he still left a family and created another one.

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 00:36

However when you have a situation where one parent has left the family home and set up home with another partner , extra care has to be taken to ensure the previous family are not left feeling abandoned or neglected

That shouldn't have to revolve around money.

Narked · 14/12/2012 00:38

His DC by the first relationship have their father contributing to their upkeep 1) through what he pays to his ex and 2) through what he buys them from his own bank account. And they have their mother's contribution. And they stay in the home that's 50% paid for by the OP eating the food that's 50% paid for by the Op.

His DD by the second relationship gets what he pays into the joint account. Half of which comes from their mother. And he's taking money out of that to treat his other DC. And any extras are bought by her mother.

Kiwiinkits · 14/12/2012 00:40

Poppy it's a case by case basis. I had two pretty easy going babies and managed consultancy contracts throughout both my mat leaves. Only a few hours per week but managed to bring in some extra income. Some babies sleep a lot and are pretty easy work.
Admittedly, this guy's taking the piss if he bought ipads for his DDs from family funds without discussing it with his wife. I'd go apeshit if my DH did that.