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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think a gift should be just that, without conditions

42 replies

MordecaiMargaret · 12/12/2012 09:27

My husband's mother and stepfather offered to give us a substantial amount of money towards buying a house. They also offered to buy a house with us, going on the deeds as co-owners but, in their words, with 'no strings attached'. I was quite reluctant to accept the second offer. A bit of history - she's quite controlling, my BIL was left her sister's apartment but she insisted on choosing the furniture and deco, he's not 'allowed' to smoke there or get a dog, even though its his place. Last Christmas they came to ours armed with their own decos from their place and proceeded to put them up in MY house without asking. Aaaanyway, dh really wants to buy a house sooner rather than later and I don't want to sound ungrateful, it's a lovely thing to offer and we really do appreciate their help.
I suggested to dh that they put the money in our savings account. Since we've started looking, MIL has said that they want to review the house we want, what bank we choose, basically everything before they give us the money. I know it's their money and they're entitled to do what they want with it but I think it's unreasonable to expect to have a say in our choice. My dh thinks its fair enough and they just want to make sure we're doing the right thing with the money but I feel like they don't trust us to know what's best for us. My dh is 36 ffs and we've never been irresponsible with money.
Every time I speak to her she tells me what kinda houses to look at and completely dismisses whatever I say I like. It's causing stress between dh and I because he thinks I'm being ungrateful and I should just do what they want, it's making me feel like a teenage brat...am I being one?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2012 09:32

Nooo, I think you're trying to be an independent adult, which is quite reasonable really considering you are one. If you think she's pushy now, imagine what she'll be like when she officially part-owns the roof over your head. (Am not quite understanding the BIL thing btw; did his aunt bequeath him the flat and now his mum is telling him what he's allowed to do with it because it used to be her sister's?)

If your DH is used to this and doesn't see anything wrong with it, I suspect he'll take a lot of years to de-programme. This is not generosity, as you rightly say; it's control.

BigShinyBaubles · 12/12/2012 09:36

I agree with Annie, I would not accept the money. She sounds like she would be a complete nightmare if you take it.
Wait and buy your own home with your own money.

ilovecherries · 12/12/2012 09:37

I think the issue is about whether this is a gift, or an investment. If the former, then they have no right for further input. If its an investment, then yes, I could see why that would want to call the shots - but given what you have said about her, I'd probably rather not accept the offer of an investment, as I couldn't stand having someone interfering so much.

Spero · 12/12/2012 09:39

Don't accept the money. If they are on deeds as co-owners, this is absolutely about their control. There are many strings attached here! If you all fall out they can get the house sold from under you. Their attitude doesn't sound healthy and I don't think this is worth the risk.

HaudYerWheeshtFannyBaws · 12/12/2012 09:41

You would be totally mad to accept. They are far, far too controlling.

MrsLyman · 12/12/2012 09:42

There is an easy solution to this just don't take the money.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 12/12/2012 09:46

If you take the money, then do so knowing they own you! They will decide everything and likely throw it back in your face.

If having your name on a home is worth that, then do it.

but if you do it - neither you nor your husband should ever moan when they tell you where to live, how to decorate, give you a list of rules and come and go as they please and remind you every day in a hundred ways, that this is their house.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/12/2012 09:48

Run as fast as you can from this! Once she part owns the house you live in, she'll be turning up on your doorstep whenever she wants and telling you how to decorate etc. and she will be able to because it will be her house too.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 12/12/2012 09:51

Actually I think it's really easy to say 'don't take the money', but the bare truth is that it is pretty much impossible to buy a house in certain areas of the country at the moment on the majority of jobs' income.
Is one of them more reasonable than the other? Basically if one of them wants to give the money to you to help you (or more realistically your DH) then I think you need to persuade them that the best thing for you as a couple/family would be to be able to choose/buy your own house on your own terms, and if they would like to help you with that then that would be very generous, but you don't feel that it would be in the best interests of anyone's relationships to have the boundaries blurred. Obviously if your DH could drive that talk, that would be even better.
Then if it is a gift, they should adjust their will to reflect that (avoids inheritance tax after seven years).

LineRunner · 12/12/2012 09:52

I do agree with the others about not accepting the money under these conditions.

The difficult manouevre will now be to discuss it with your DH in such a way that he can see where you are coming from.

Katisha · 12/12/2012 09:54

Suspect there are deeper issues of your DH refusing to acknowledge her controlling behaviour and not wanting to break the habit of a lifetime of enabling it? You need to have a really good talk with him. And then if you decide to go ahead have a proper talk with mil about her desire to place conditions. You really need to get all this out in the open, not just seethe and expect her to suddenly change. Probably no one has ever stood up to her before.

BiBiBroccoli · 12/12/2012 09:54

Don't do it!!!!! I foresee years and years of MIL threads from you if you do. You have my sympathies though, sounds like a very awkward situation.

TheCraicDealer · 12/12/2012 09:56

This deal has more strings attached than a bumper pack of Tampax. Don't do it! You have a chance to put the clampers on things before you get in too deep, no money has changed hands yet. Ok, so you might be waiting a bit longer or have to lower your expectations, but at least when you finally buy your own place you'll be able to have a dog, decorate how you want and put up your own fucking Christmas decorations.

pigletmania · 12/12/2012 10:00

Do not accept any money, if you do you will be tied to them. My DM gave me a substantial amount towards a house as is tradition in the mediterranean culture and she lives independently from us. It's fine but she does occasionally sayits her house even though dh has paid haf of it and tries but failes to contol

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 12/12/2012 10:01

Don't accept it. I speak from personal experience of a mother exactly like yours. There will always be strings attached with a controlling person. Just find your own way in life and keep her at arms length.

Original poster

MordecaiMargaret · 12/12/2012 10:03

Hi, thanks for the replies, I've told dh I don't want them on our deeds or their 'help' that way, he's since said that to them and now they're offering to give us the deposit as a gift as it would be dh's inheritance anyway, but they still want to know a lot of the details of which lender, rates etc. it's hard to know how to put it with dh because as someone said above, he's used too this and thinks they just want to help. She's always saying I want to see you enjoy your inheritance before I'm gone. I've refused to have their names on the deeds or accept the money in any capacity as an investment but my husband thinks I'm insulting them by not even accepting some money as a gift. In some ways I think he should be able to accept his inheritance like this and it's his choice, but I hope it would be just that, his gift/inheritance to do what he wanted with and not answer to them.
The story with his brother is, his aunt bequeathed the apt to him but because he had about 10g outstanding debt, she paid that for him and he then let her do whatever she wanted. To be fair, I think that situation is as much to do with his weakness in not standing up to her as it is in her need to control.

OP posts:

Furoshika · 12/12/2012 10:04

I think you can see that this is a bad idea.
If your dh is so wedded to taking his parents' money then it's going to be hard to change his mind, but somehow he's going to have to see that you shouldn't have to cope with her overbearing interference: lay it firmly at his door.
I have done this with my MIL on one issue, I now just say 'oh talk to DH about that' and she still tries but I refuse to 'give' and the conversation just dies. It's a mindset as much as anything.

Kendodd · 12/12/2012 10:05

Just say "thanks but, no thanks" easy.

LineRunner · 12/12/2012 10:08

You were spot on in your first post, OP. Money as a gift (a generous gift!) should be transferred into a solvent bank account. Preferably an interest-bearing one. The benefactor should be thanked profusely. Advice may be offered but not necessarily accepted. Well that's the theory.

However I fear you will never hear the last of it.

Original poster

MordecaiMargaret · 12/12/2012 10:08

By the way those Christmas decorations were taken down and replaced with our own in the exact same passive aggressive way they were put up 'we want to start out own Christmas traditions as a family'

OP posts:

5dcsandallthelittlesantahats · 12/12/2012 10:11

YANBU. My mil is doing the same and refused to come with us to look at the houses because she wanted it to be ours. If its a gift, your MIL should give it as such if not then I would leave it tbh.

bigladsdiditandranaway · 12/12/2012 10:11

I think you've decided to accept the money, because your DH wants to buy a house and you can't afford to without their help.

So, unfortunately you're probably going to have to accept the strings that are attached.

In an ideal world, they'd hand the cash over and never refer to it again. That's not going to happen though.

I doubt the interference will end once the house is bought though. I think any time you spend a large amount of money, MIL will have an opinion.

Original poster

MordecaiMargaret · 12/12/2012 10:18

To be honest, I don't think I'll change his mind about accepting the gift, he thinks I'm making our relationship with them extremely difficult if we do. He has suggested that I just don't speak to them about it. As Furoshika said above, 'talk to dh about that' is what he's proposing I do. They already think I'm odd because I won't accept their offer of their paying for private school for ds or their offer of paying for ds' health insurance. I've already put in place certain boundaries like asking us our plans before they book their flights to come visit - they're in Brisbane we're in Sydney - and asking me before they buy sweets etc for ds. Dh says if we refuse this offer of help they'll be really hurt.

OP posts:

Corygal · 12/12/2012 10:18

You CAN'T take the money. It's a killer but MIL will ruin your lives. It'll get a lot worse than Xmas decs when she's got ownership of your home, trust me.

It must be infuriating. wouldn't delegate the issue to DH on condition he stands up to her - I don't think he will, and she'll think of something else to kick off about anyway.

What you might want to do is work out a way to get the money without getting MIL - ask for it as a loan or suggest they invest in a buy to let and hand over the rent, for instance. Or ask MIL to put it in trust for the children, for instance.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 12/12/2012 10:18

Tbh it sounds like she is and always will be an interfering nosy cow, with or without the donation. At least if you accept it you will get on the property ladder.

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