...to think a gift should be just that, without conditions

[MordecaiMargaret]

My husband's mother and stepfather offered to give us a substantial amount of money towards buying a house. They also offered to buy a house with us, going on the deeds as co-owners but, in their words, with 'no strings attached'. I was quite reluctant to accept the second offer. A bit of history - she's quite controlling, my BIL was left her sister's apartment but she insisted on choosing the furniture and deco, he's not 'allowed' to smoke there or get a dog, even though its his place. Last Christmas they came to ours armed with their own decos from their place and proceeded to put them up in MY house without asking. Aaaanyway, dh really wants to buy a house sooner rather than later and I don't want to sound ungrateful, it's a lovely thing to offer and we really do appreciate their help.
I suggested to dh that they put the money in our savings account. Since we've started looking, MIL has said that they want to review the house we want, what bank we choose, basically everything before they give us the money. I know it's their money and they're entitled to do what they want with it but I think it's unreasonable to expect to have a say in our choice. My dh thinks its fair enough and they just want to make sure we're doing the right thing with the money but I feel like they don't trust us to know what's best for us. My dh is 36 ffs and we've never been irresponsible with money.
Every time I speak to her she tells me what kinda houses to look at and completely dismisses whatever I say I like. It's causing stress between dh and I because he thinks I'm being ungrateful and I should just do what they want, it's making me feel like a teenage brat...am I being one?

YANBU. If she is giving the money as a gift, once it has left her account it is yours. She has the right to offer advice but not to "review" your choices; you have the right to make your choices taking their advice ino account or not, as you see fit.
Why does your dh think you should do what they want? It will be your house, not theirs!
Tbh if you can avoid accepting the money I would or maybe use for additional expenses like stamp duty if applicable, or solicitors etc and be clear that's where their money has gone as I think your MIL will make you pay in other ways for this. Bringing her own decorations to your home is just bizarre.

To be honest, I don't think I'll change his mind about accepting the gift, he thinks I'm making our relationship with them extremely difficult if we do. He has suggested that I just don't speak to them about it. As Furoshika said above, 'talk to dh about that' is what he's proposing I do. They already think I'm odd because I won't accept their offer of their paying for private school for ds or their offer of paying for ds' health insurance. I've already put in place certain boundaries like asking us our plans before they book their flights to come visit - they're in Brisbane we're in Sydney - and asking me before they buy sweets etc for ds. Dh says if we refuse this offer of help they'll be really hurt.

No yanbu I would feel the same. Unused to Hve a controlling mil who wanted I buy me and ex p a house only to find out it was purely because she wanted her name on it so if we ever split up I wouldn't et a penny from it! If she offers you help towards a house then it shud be just that and you should be able to choose the house yourself!!

Dh says if we refuse this offer of help they'll be really hurt.

Have you told him that if he continues to put his mothers feelings above yours then YOU will be really hurt and the long term consequences of that could be far more wide reaching than a stroppy mother. Ask him if his marriage and family life is really worth less to him than being a good little boy in the eyes of his mum.

The other problem is that if MIL or FIL need care in old age, your house will be sold beneath your feet to fund it - unless she gives you entire ownership.

You'd be surprised at how vast care bills are - a 5 year stay is about 350k sterling, and your house would be first on the line to go because it's an asset that's not their main home.

Sorry to double post, it's good to hear that everyone else thinks I'm right to have reservations, my family and friends think I'm mad to think about refusing it, GoldPlatedNineDoors, you're right she will always be like this whether we accept or not but at least I won't feel I owe her anything.

I think if they are not going on the deeds and it is a gift with respect to the deposit, it isn't so bad that they are asking about interest rates etc.

The other controlling behaviour is worrying though.

The thing is, he doesn't usually put her feelings above mine, he's refused a lot of things and said we're not comfortable with some of the ways they interfere offer to help and he always does it as if its him who feels that way and doesn't blame me but of course he loves them, doesn't want to hurt their feelings and really wants to own a house. He thinks he's already compromised by refusing their offer of buying half the house and I should compromise a bit now too.

Just to be clear, we'd have entire ownership of the house if we accepted deposit as a gift

You cannot do this, for a start your privacy will end, probably taking your marriage with it.
The big doozy is tho, like someone pointed out up the thread, if either of them require residential care, in home carers or any other kind of care, which, let's face it, is likely for most old folks now, your house will be taken from you, unless they have a LOT of money.
Despite what you might read online they cannot wriggle out of this. Trusts blah blah.

Or of course, they will move in with you so you can look after them because you will be so grateful, and or desperate not to lose your home.
For fucks sake DO NOT do this. It's a lose lose situation.
Did I mention don't do this.

Oh my goodness - I have exactly the same situation and often feel like I am an ungrateful bitch for wanting to choose my own furniture etc. we have just bought a new house with a substantial amount of money from PIL. This is the second time they have given us money and so this time I knew how to stand my ground. We bought a house they didn't like in an area too far away from them for their liking! Now they keep telling us to extend things and knock down walls to increase the value for resale. It's bloody annoying and really controlling and I think you have to choose between not taking the money (is that best for your children as it gives you more financial freedom for their futures) and being bloody minded and pissing them off by not doing as you are told! I personally get great satisfaction from pissing MIL off so that's hat we chose!

It doesn't matter if you have entire ownership, or how long ago they gave you the money btw.

Thanks MyCannyBairn though your reply was a bit ambiguous, are you saying I shouldn't do this They have a investment property, own their house outright and have stocks & shares so I don't think (hope) that would be too much of an issue. Going to have a long chat with dh tonight and discuss it, thanks so much for all your replies, helped me sort things out in my head.

MM I think if they properly gift you the deposit there should be no comeback re care home fees, but worth getting a legal opinion, I'd've thought.

I think you ae in Australia? Don't know how law operates there, but in UK I would say you have to make it crystal clear at the outset why they are giving you the money. Otherwise the could say at a later date you were holding it on trust for them and they do actually 'own' part of the house.

I don't understand why they would first want to be on legal title and now are happy not to be. That doesn't ring true.

If offered with no strings, it's a lovely generous gesture, but if there is any hint of string, this could all blow up in your faces down the line, very messily and expensively. So if you do it, get legal advice and put everything in writing.

My inlaws didn't give/lend us any money when we bought our house, but we did invite them to the second viewing, despite my misgivings that they would use this as an excuse to interfere.

MIL now refers to our home as 'the second SURNAME home', moves my ornaments and expects to be involved in decorating/renovation decisions (she's not). In my experience, if they're interfering before living together/marriage/children, they're a bloody nightmare after.

Be firm and don't accept the gift. It sounds like there is way too much emotion and family politics involved already. If your PILs love your DH, his relationship with them will survive it. If it does not, then his parents are not well-adjusted people. They should trust their son far enough to pick, and live contentedly with, his own house. It sounds like they do not, if they want to pick the bank, view the places you're thinking of, etc.

Being firm and insisting you'll be independent might cause some drama, but drama tends to pass. Interference left unchecked, on the other hand, tends to escalate. Believe me, I know! I've been through interference-resistance with my own ILs.