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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross with DP for doing something I asked him to?

35 replies

ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:23

Yes I know I am but I am FURIOUS and feel a bit sick about the money spent. (This is long sorry as I don't want to drip feed).

The back story is that since I passed my driving test in April I have been looking for ways to get us access to a car, either via car ownership or car pool membership. The car ownership discussion involved several screamy, shouty rows after he said he wanted to spend no more than £1k on a car (that would mainly have been used to get him to work). We eventually got to a place where we were arranging to visit car dealerships to look at cars we liked the look of (around £3-4K after a large tax rebate). Then he got a job in London (I also work in London) so we decided to move to London in July, drop the car ownership idea and join a car club. He thought this was a better idea than dropping our savings on a car. I agreed. Cool beans.

After several months of asking him nicely to sign us up to one (I can't join one until April when I have had my licence for a year) and him finding every excuse under the sun to not sort it out as it was a hassle, I bet him £100 he would not sign us up to one before Xmas, as a joke. He accepted though has repeatedly refused to actually be drawn into a discussion about which car club, how much we want to spend, which one is best for us etc. Laughed it off basically and promise to do it when he had time.

(For your info he has since lost the job and we have had to economise in order to pay bills, rent etc. I have cancelled my gym membership etc. He is currently undergoing councelling for depression)

I came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to do it and resigned myself to the idea that I would just have to wait until April until I could sign up myself and drive myself and the two of us around. I had decided I would sign up to Whip Car as it is free to join and cheapest for day rental which I need to drive to my parents. I had told him this in semi-jest (ie "oh this is never going to happen I'll just have to wait until April etc")

Then I came home this evening to a call of "Guess what I have done? You owe me £100!"

He then said he had signed up to Zip Car, and it was "only" £59 plus £9.95 a month plus £29 to add me on in April. My face did this Shock.

AIBU to be quite pissed off that he refused to be drawn on any kind of coversation about this in the past without throwing a massive paddy, has spunked £200 on something that he could have got cheaper if he had agreed to have a discussion about this, spent money we don't have and expected me to be pleased about it.

He has just gone to his councelling session almost in tears as I wasn't pleased about the 'nice surprise' he had for me and I feel awful Sad but also v annoyed that he refused to do any research before throwing aload of money on something that I am unsure how often we will even use due to all the other hidden costs we have just discovered? Sad

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 10/12/2012 19:25

Presumably he can cancel within a certain time period.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 10/12/2012 19:27

why is he in tears? did you get angry with him?

RedHelenB · 10/12/2012 19:28

YABU since he has done as you've asked.

Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:31

he is in tears as he had been anticipating that I would be really pleased and I am not. He had a big rant about how he knew I was pissed off ( sat down and calmly pointed out the problems with epolicy and that I was cross with the company for talking him into paying a number of hidden costs) and he says that he feels he can't do anything right.

This is a very common claim and one in calmer times he says is part of his self esteem issues and depression, but seeing as it is really £200 of my money I don't think it is fair for me to be a bit unhappy with the policy he signed up for which wasn't what I had in mind at all. But he has refused to discuss the speifics of what we woudl like in the past.

@noble we were trying to figure that out before he left.

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:32

*fair = unfair

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 10/12/2012 19:33

YABU as he's done what you asked after what sounds like a lot of nagging. You might be cross at the details but getting mad at him won't have helped. I feel a bit sorry for him tbh.

ginmakesitallok · 10/12/2012 19:36

YABU - you nag him to do something, he does it and then you are Angry. Poor bloke is right - he can't do anything right. If you were sure about what you wanted you should have organised it yourself.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 19:36

Yabu. You told him to sort it. So he did.

of you wanted him to hunt around for the best deal, you could have looked and signed him up. Especially since its YOUR £200.

I think you are being really harsh and quite mean. Especially if he is depressed.

Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:37

No I am bu. I will have to find a way to apologise (and sort out what the hell he has signed up to) but I am knackered as I am workign two jobs at the mo and I am soooo irritable.

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:38

btw I couldn't organise it myself he had to do it due to restricitons on how long you have held a licence. I realise I am wrong but he refused to sit down and investigate this together for six months.

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 10/12/2012 19:40

YABU. But you knew that. Harsh and mean.

peeriebear · 10/12/2012 19:41

Any reasonable person would shop around surely?

Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:43

@perrie I think I am just shocked that he did absolutly no research whatsoever. And we had discssued a joinign fee of £30 and he batted not an eyelid when a £200 bill was spelled out to him.

Esp as I had spelled out that I wanted us to sit down and discuss the options open to us (including not signing up to a car club if that's what he wanted)

OP posts:
SantaisBarredfromhavingStella · 10/12/2012 19:44

OP think you're getting it the neck a bit unnecessarily tbh, YAB a bit U but I can understand why as due to his refusal to discuss this like an adult he has now paid over the odds. Hope you manage to get it sorted.

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella · 10/12/2012 19:50

I obviously meant IN the neck Grin

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 19:54

If YOU wanted it doing a certain way, then you should do it YOURSELF.

You could have looked up the info. The websites give you the information before you signed up.

Yes most people would shop around, but not everyone does.

That said i think he is depressed and you are knackered and i think its a small thing has got out of hand.

You should have a 14 day cooling off period so you can cancel it.

ENormaSnob · 10/12/2012 19:55

I would be pissed off too.

Yanbu

Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:59

@bady thanks for your reply. BTW I had looked at this provider's website before and it explicitly states no monthly fee. And the lions share of the cost (£120) is a monthly insurance fee. I am also cross with the company for talking DP round to this huge excesss cost. He says they dropped this cost in at the end off the conversation/sign up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelb · 10/12/2012 20:01

plus I had no idea there would be such a high hidden cost when I asked DP to do it. I didn't realise that delegating it to him could go this way. (btw I realise that this might be the right option for us, but we have done v little research so I don't know what the competition is like)

OP posts:
OurPlanetNeptune · 10/12/2012 20:13

I am not going to say you are being unreasonable because I can see why you reacted this way. However, I do have a lot of sympathy for your DP. My best friend is suffering with depression and she can barely motivate herself to do anything, but when she achieves something, even the seemingly mundane, it is a little victory. And we do rejoice. I know for a fact if she was in your husband's shoes she would have been devastated at your reaction.

Having said all of that you sound extremely tired and I feel for you. You sound like you have so much on your shoulders. I hope the burden eases soon.

PolterGoose · 10/12/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helenlynn · 10/12/2012 20:25

ethelb, I assume he joined online or over the phone, and if that's the case then the transaction is covered by the Distance Selling Regulations, and he has the right to cancel, but he has to get this done within seven days from today.

Step-by-step guide including template letter from the BBC here
Similar but slightly less user-friendly advice from the CAB here

FWIW I don't think it'd be unreasonable to be a bit narked that he didn't do this reasonable thing you asked him in a sensible way, and while "FURIOUS" is OTT it's pretty understandable if you're knackered from two jobs. It sounds a bit of a rotten situation for the both of you -- I hope you get it sorted/cancelled.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 22:29

He says they dropped this cost in at the end off the conversation/sign up.

Complain. Have the call listened to. They will then have to cancel if they haven't been clear.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/12/2012 22:35

YANBU

You had discussed what to do about a car and come to an agreement, but since then your financial position has materially altered - he has lost his job and you have had to make economies.

I would be annoyed in your position.

AutumnGlory · 10/12/2012 22:41

Next time you wanted something done our own way as you, like myself, like to shop around before buying things, and as your partner, like mine, act on impulse, I than suggest that you do the research, write every single detail and instructions on a paper and hand the paper over and stay put if possible should they need any help following the procedures. If you don't want to do it than it is pointless complaning about the way it was done. People do things differently. I understand your frustration though.