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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be cross with DP for doing something I asked him to?

35 replies

ethelb · 10/12/2012 19:23

Yes I know I am but I am FURIOUS and feel a bit sick about the money spent. (This is long sorry as I don't want to drip feed).

The back story is that since I passed my driving test in April I have been looking for ways to get us access to a car, either via car ownership or car pool membership. The car ownership discussion involved several screamy, shouty rows after he said he wanted to spend no more than £1k on a car (that would mainly have been used to get him to work). We eventually got to a place where we were arranging to visit car dealerships to look at cars we liked the look of (around £3-4K after a large tax rebate). Then he got a job in London (I also work in London) so we decided to move to London in July, drop the car ownership idea and join a car club. He thought this was a better idea than dropping our savings on a car. I agreed. Cool beans.

After several months of asking him nicely to sign us up to one (I can't join one until April when I have had my licence for a year) and him finding every excuse under the sun to not sort it out as it was a hassle, I bet him £100 he would not sign us up to one before Xmas, as a joke. He accepted though has repeatedly refused to actually be drawn into a discussion about which car club, how much we want to spend, which one is best for us etc. Laughed it off basically and promise to do it when he had time.

(For your info he has since lost the job and we have had to economise in order to pay bills, rent etc. I have cancelled my gym membership etc. He is currently undergoing councelling for depression)

I came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to do it and resigned myself to the idea that I would just have to wait until April until I could sign up myself and drive myself and the two of us around. I had decided I would sign up to Whip Car as it is free to join and cheapest for day rental which I need to drive to my parents. I had told him this in semi-jest (ie "oh this is never going to happen I'll just have to wait until April etc")

Then I came home this evening to a call of "Guess what I have done? You owe me £100!"

He then said he had signed up to Zip Car, and it was "only" £59 plus £9.95 a month plus £29 to add me on in April. My face did this Shock.

AIBU to be quite pissed off that he refused to be drawn on any kind of coversation about this in the past without throwing a massive paddy, has spunked £200 on something that he could have got cheaper if he had agreed to have a discussion about this, spent money we don't have and expected me to be pleased about it.

He has just gone to his councelling session almost in tears as I wasn't pleased about the 'nice surprise' he had for me and I feel awful Sad but also v annoyed that he refused to do any research before throwing aload of money on something that I am unsure how often we will even use due to all the other hidden costs we have just discovered? Sad

OP posts:
PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 10/12/2012 23:16

Yanbu, imo

He feels like he can't do anything right because he didn't do it right ffs. He rushed out panicking to prove a point and signed up to the first one he found despite 6 months he could have used to research and make an informed decision. I used todo that. When i was 12. Buying stickers and plastic jewellery Xmas Hmm

InExitCelsisDeo · 10/12/2012 23:22

I hope you find a solution.

It all sounds very unhappy to me, but maybe that is because it is outside my experience.

dreamingbohemian · 10/12/2012 23:22

I think possibly YABU.

Surely after your DH lost his job and you had to economise so much, a car club is a bit of a luxury, living in London? How often would you need it?

And if you can sign up online, why would your DH have to physically be the one to do it? Couldn't you do all the research, run it by him, then sign up in his name using his license and whatever?

It clearly meant a lot to you and nothing to him, so why nag him for months when you could just do it yourself?

But mostly, it sounds like you are both not doing well, and need to try to be kind to each other.

misterwife · 11/12/2012 02:06

The bet is what went wrong here.

You are right to expect a reasonable discussion about a significant financial commitment, especially in your current straitened circumstances.

However, he has taken your 100 pound bet at face value rather than as a joke. So, in his mind, the car club ownership thing stopped being something that had to be discussed with you, and became a challenge which you had set him. I am now going to generalise. Blokes do not like, and will not generally accept, a collaborative approach when someone sets them a challenge. Generalisation over.

So, having expected a reasonable discussion, you put yourself in a situation where you were much less likely to actually get one.

Having said all that, you are definitely right to take a dim view of his earlier rejections of any kind of discussion of the matter.

Softlysoftly · 11/12/2012 03:05

Do you know he didn't research and just got talked into hidden charges at the last minute?

Have you called your choice and checked? Bet there's hidden charges there too as with such a large disparit why would anyone choose zip?

He should have discussed it with you but I think you turned this into a game which he was set up to fail. We can all be guilty of the "well he an bloody do this one thing" approach. You went on about it, privately knew who you wanted only mentioning in jest, challenged him with a bet. I just think it was done all wrong by both of you.

EllenParsons · 11/12/2012 03:12

You are being massively U, I think! Feel sorry for your DH on this one.

LoopsInHoops · 11/12/2012 03:33

Why don't you communicate with him? You'd done your research, you knew what you wanted, yet you tasked him with it, betted he wouldn't do it and set him up to fail by reusing to share your information.

Poor guy.

LoopsInHoops · 11/12/2012 03:34

bet and refused. Sorry

EldritchCleavage · 11/12/2012 13:17

It's a communication problem, on both sides. He was massively unreasonable to refuse to discuss it with you and fob you off for months. You were very unreasonable to have kept from him that you'd done the research and had a preferred option that was cost effective, yet continued asking him to set it up. Why? As a test? Now he's failed it, where do you go from here?

Talk about it, as a communication issue first, and only second as a car club issue.

diddl · 11/12/2012 13:27

I think that YANBU-sounds as if he has done it just to win the bet.

With such an alteration in circumstances, I would have assumed that the bet was off.

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