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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé left me nearly 2 weeks ago, I can't cope.

55 replies

CanAnyoneHearMe · 10/12/2012 11:00

With my Fiancé 3 years, He finished the relationship 2 weeks ago.

We have a 15 month old DS and before he ended it we were TTC and I found out that I am pregnant 2 days after he walked out.

We met on Saturday so he could see DS and I tried to Beg Talk to him about getting back together. He listened and in the end he said 'I don't want to talk, You're making this harder than it needs to be for both of us' In my head I feel that this means that he still loves me or am I wrong?

I have asked him to meet me so I can talk to him alone about how I feel and to sort things out with DS but he is flat out refusing.

I am having the hardest time I have ever had in my life Hmm

I haven't stopped crying, I get 4 hours sleep at night and I am struggling to look after DS because of how much this is getting to me.

I have family support however a very close family member has fallen extremely ill so that is the focus at the moment so I don't really have anyone to talk to Hmm

My DB said that he would drop me off at his house so he would have to hear me out.

My DF has said that he will ring him and ask him himself to talk to me because of how much it is affecting me.

I am heartbroken, Devastated and see no reason to live without him.

Shall I just turn up at his house and say you need to hear me out, Shall I wait until Saturday when he picks DS up get in the car and say we need to talk?

I don't know what to do anymore Hmm I have lost all of the happiness in my life.

OP posts:
FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:06

I'm so sorry this has happened. Please stop begging him though, you're worth more than begging some idiot who doesn't know when he has a good life.
Focus on yourself and ds and the baby, assuming you are continuing the pregnancy. Can your brother support you?
It sounds like he's got someone else. Shell no doubt be in this situation herself in a couple of years. You will have a wonderful new life. You will be happy again and you can cope. If you feel suicidal please talk to someone or call samaritans.

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 11:06

I remember you posting this last week, and I am sorry that you are not feeling any better. But you have to put your child first now, and start to accept that this man does not want to have a relationship with you. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you are an adult, your child NEEDS you.

Please stop getting your family to put pressure on him, this isnt going to make it any better.

Ask yourself this, if he came back, only because he felt guilty, would that make you feel any better in the long term?

He doesnt want to talk to you. I really think you have to accept this for the moment and concentrate on your child and yourself. It will get better, and you will be happy again.

HazleNutt · 10/12/2012 11:09

Sorry about this and of course you must be feeling horrible.

But no, I don't think the sentence he said means he still loves you. An ex who said that to me just meant that he has made up his mind and does not want to have anything to do with me any more.

Why do you think talking would make him change his mind? I'm sure he already understands that you are feeling horrible and want him back, but that has not changed anything.

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 11:10

"He listened and in the end he said 'I don't want to talk, You're making this harder than it needs to be for both of us' In my head I feel that this means that he still loves me or am I wrong?"

I am sorry but no, it doesnt mean he still loves you. If he still loved you he would be with you. What he is saying is "please stop begging me, I am not going to change my mind". :(

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:15

I'm sorry op he does sound like a loser. Do you plan to continue the pregnancy? Does your family know you're pregnant?

Pandemoniaa · 10/12/2012 11:15

'I don't want to talk, You're making this harder than it needs to be for both of us'

I'm sorry but this is no indication that he still loves you. Instead, it comes across as an indication that he has no intention of coming back to you but wants to try and make the break as free of grief as possible.

I also read your other post and I'm sorry that you are still so heartbroken but as others have said, it's important to try and move on and in the meantime, concentrate on your child and your health. Even if you forced him back into a relationship (and it doesn't sound as if this is likely) it would be unsustainable since an unhappy person will always break free eventually.

Please don't drag your family into things either. The best thing they can do is support you right now, not attempt to force your former fiance into meeting you against his will.

I know everything must seem hopeless right now but you will move on and you will find happiness again.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 11:16

I am so sorry you are so sad.

But its clear he doesn't want to be with you. He is saying you are making it harder, because you are. Not because he still wants to be with you.

I haven't read your other threads but it sounds like he is trying to be kind but firm and honest.

don't let your dad put pressure on him. You have talked and he still doesn't want to get back together. Putting pressure on will only cause more problems.

I know you must be upset. But your child needs you. You need to put your child first. You can not used visitation time to beg and pled. It has to be for your child to see their dad.
And you child needs you to look after him, he needs his mother to be his mother.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 10/12/2012 11:17

why do you keep pestering him to talk? love, I've read all your threads regarding this break up, and i feel for you, I honestly do. BUT, you had a talk, he listened, and when you went on and on, he effectively told you he doesn't want to hear anymore, he's made his mind up and you can't change it
I'm sorry if that seems harsh,but it's true, you HAVE to face up to life as a single Mum, your child needs you, you are all he's got. Please please don't consider leaviing him motherless.Now, what about the child you are carrying? Are you intending to go ahead with the pregnancy? I really feel you need to talk to your GP at this point, honestly, they can help.

Keep posting, we can hold your hand and help with any practical questions you may have, but you MUST start fighting for your future, and your child's future.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:17

Trying to be kind? He's discovered he doesn't love his fiance just as she conceives their second child. He's a waste of oxygen.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:19

And always will be. You, op, will be back to normal with a loving family and secure in your own right within a year.

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 10/12/2012 11:21

Awww love, how horrible for you. So sorry Thanks

However, (and I don't say this to be harsh) it sounds like he doesn't want to know. If you have to beg/cajole someone into getting back with you, then they really don't want to be with you. And even if he did get back with you now, would you want to be with him knowing that he was only there because he felt pressured into it? You're better than that so I am hoping that the answer to that is no Wink

Also, I think that you'redoing that thing that most of us have done when we've been dumped; reading positive messages in the most inane of sentences. God knows, I used to be the Queen of deciphering messages when my ex left me. "See you around" meant that he was planning on bumping into me etc etc.

I know that you will be told that time is the best healer but to you, now, it won't feel that way. But you must know that it it so true. He sounds a nobber. You were TTC then he left you with a 15 month old?! What a cunt. You won't see it now because at the moment, you're still thinking that the sun shines out of his arsehole but trust me on this, in 6 months, a year, you will be thinking "what a twat". Honestly.

Concentrate on your DS. Make christmas special for him and you. You need to understand that this is your life now and no amount of sobbing over that deadbeat is going to change that. It really is about making the best of things now.

LDNmummy · 10/12/2012 11:22

How awful OP Sad

I agree with Squeaky above.

Allergictoironing · 10/12/2012 11:23

I'm sorry OP but 'I don't want to talk, You're making this harder than it needs to be for both of us' does NOT mean he still loves you. It means he's made up his mind and you begging & pleading him to stay isn't going to change it. He doesn't want to talk about it and doing so would make him feel guilty, therefore easier for him if you don't - remember that this is his priority. He's also suggesting that you should just accept the fact he's going as that would be (in his mind) easier on you than living in the forlorn hope you can sort this out.
I know I seem cruel and heartless putting this so bluntly, but I'm pretty sure your comment about feeling in your head he still loves you is denial on your part that he really doesn't want to be with you any more.
Yes you do need to talk, but initially only about the arrangements for your DS and any financial issues - you don't say in your post whether you lived together or not, the current child care & money situation, and whether there was any indications with hindsight that things weren't perfect. If you try to push the issue of getting back together you are likely to just drive him further away, which could affect him seeing your DS.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 11:23

Trying to be kind? He's discovered he doesn't love his fiance just as she conceives their second child. He's a waste of oxygen

norks that's your opinion. he decided he didn't want to be with her. Unfortunately the timing of his decision was shit. But he wasn't to know that.

What would have been shit is going back because she was pg, even though he didn't want to.

Allergictoironing · 10/12/2012 11:25

Damn bloody phone ringing, meaning I took forever to post & repeated what everyone else said!

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:25

He obviously managed to ttc with her. Just not be in the same room as her. He has treated her dreadfully. And he has another woman - I'd put money on it.

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 10/12/2012 11:26

I was thinking the same, Norks. Hmm

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 10/12/2012 11:26

He didn't find out about the pregnancy until they had split, I'm not sure though if this was a planned baby.
You OK OP?

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:27

They were ttc.

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 11:28

OP didnt know she was pregnant until he had gone. We dont know both sides of this story. The man had his reasons for leaving, and speculating that he has another woman is unfair to assume and not going to help the OP at all by suggesting this.

All the OP can do for the moment is concentrate on herself, her child, and plan her future basing it on him NOT being in it.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 11:28

He obviously managed to ttc with her

never mind norks clearly people have never changed their minds a put ttc or being in a relationship.

I don't think speculating over his motives his helping the OP. You have your opinion of the situation and I have mine.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 10/12/2012 11:30

I remember your last two posts about this.

Sweetheart he isn't coming back. He has another woman I'm sure.

Devastating for you I know but you have to start accepting it. Because you and your children deserve to be happy again.

LDNmummy · 10/12/2012 11:30

I also think he is a waste of oxygen. His fiancé is going through a hard time with PND and he leaves because she isn't the same any more. Hardly committed to the mother of his child.

He should be supporting her so she can get back to being the person she was before this started affecting her.

OP please ask your GP for more support because it sounds like you are having a full on breakdown. There are organisations out there that can help you by offering support with childcare and daily tasks while you get to grips with your life. Have you explained what has happened to your counsellor?

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:30

Ok, yes,and I don't want this to move away from support for the op. But most people manage to take responsibility for their feelings and actions without leaving their partner alone and newly pregnant. He didn't.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 10/12/2012 11:31

yes, sorry they were ttc. He might well be the biggest twat on earth, doesn't help her though does it?

OP I think after 2 weeks you are feeling suicidal, you need to go and see your GP.

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