To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

Jesus, carabos! That sounds horrific, glad you got your boy back.

She sounds like a loon. You definitely need some legal help with this one

Good grief, op sorry to hear you are having to go through this, it sounds like an utter nightmare.

You have had some great advice from others on here, kungfu definitely included in that, I hope you take it all on board and manage to take control of the situation.

I am fully behind you, as are a lot of others here, just remember we might all be strangers but the support is fantastic, I hope you take strength from that.

Good luck x

I have no advice to give I'm afraid. But the advice from kungfupanda is excellent. You really need to take this seriously.

And as others have said I don't know how you have put up with it until now.

Carabos that is utterly terrifying. I don't know what else to say.

You need to get some legal advice OP. I would move I think.

Loads of great advice OP, esp KungFu. You have been incredibly patient and kind with her. The Munchausen's and the wheat allergy makes sense.

Get passports hidden for sure.
Keep the diary.
Express to exp that contact between you about kids is only to be between the two of you.
Talk to school/nursery about what has been going on and ask them to have you authorised any absences before they happen (i.e if they are about to let ds out of school for doc appointment etc)

What happens if she does get pg? Will your dc be dropped? I grew up with an evil stepmother where this happened. After she had my brothers my sister and I became persona non gratis virtually overnight, it was horrible and confusing as a small child. Now I have no contact with any of them, basically because she was (and still is) so toxic.

That woman sounds crazy manipulative. She'll have her claws right in too. Well done for holding out so long. Make sure you keep your cool when dealing with her and rise above her antics. My evil step mother was very good at manipulation and emotional blackmail and had no hesitation in using children as her pawns in her games. Please protect your kids from becoming the same.

I wish i had useful advice (Kung Fu Panda has that covered). But i didn't want to read and run. I am in awe of your managing to stay so calm in the face of such a total bleeding fruitloop. I will fume on your behalf that she is daring to manipulate things to this extent. I wish you the best of luck op (and a shit hot lawyer) to get this total horror of a woman out of your and your children's lives.

Hide the passports and see a solicitor ASAP.

Hi OP, I am a step mum to two young DD's, I often get accused of "overstepping" by their mum, but certainly not to the extent that this woman seems to be! She actually sounds a little bit creepy.

However, remember she doesn't need your permission to do somethings, like haircuts, as if she has your EX's permission (presuming he has parental responsibility) that's enough. Although I'd be pissed if someone was taking my kids and changing / ruining their hairstyles.

So, my opinion of your numbered points in your OP:

1. Facebook photos - I have loads of my SDD's and so I can see why she would too. But "mummy time" is fucking creepy!

1. I would have told her to leave my house if she was taking over, in fact I think you were very nice to even invite her at all.

1. Wheat allergy thing sounds a little bit mental, if it's not true. But she didn't necessarily have to have your permission to call school if she had your EX's permission. Have you taken him to a GP to see if he does have a wheat allergy? Not saying she is right but at least then you have proof shes lying!

1. Haircuts, see above, she will have or they will say that your EX gave her permission, same with the GP and dentists. EX should have informed you of all those things though.

1. 6. and 7, 10, 13, 15 Sounds like she's a total loony bitch, keep nasty or abusive messages and report them to police if necessary now or later.

1. Not much you can do about this, maybe your EX encourages lots of chocolate and sweet, just different parenting styles (although I'm with you on this one).

1. Perhaps your EX though she was ready for it? I'm not excusing her behavior by the way, just wondering why you think it is her not the EX.

11. I would have booked a separate appointment and attended alone and then let her and your EX (or just her in his absence) attend a different appointment. I also attend nursery / school appointments, meetings and parent consultations with my DP for his DD's and I feel it helps as we both look after his DD's when they are living with us.

12. Wrong! She definitely shouldn't have done this. Was there a reason they couldn't go to Australia though? Sounds like a once in a lifetime trip and I bet school would have granted it as it was for a parent's wedding. Again, not excusing her disgusting behavior, it never should have been raised in front of the children!

13. You cant stop her buying them things really. "Disney" parenting trying to buy the child's love won't work, so you don't need to worry.

She TATTOO'd you children's names on herself? WTAF????

At the moment this woman has no legal rights whatsoever to contact with your children, and you might be able to get a restraining order forbidding her to see them or communicate with them at all. Definitely talk to a lawyer.

You poor, poor thing. This is the stuff of nightmare, and if I were you, I would want to kill this woman.

I would only allow your ex to have contact for now, at your place, his parents or a contact centre. She has no right to it. Seek legal advice ASAP.

I'm still thinking about this situation... Starting IVF within 3 months of a new relationship is very worrying. It sounds like she wanted a sperm donor and the fact that your ex also provided a ready-made family made him irresistible. Why though did he get into this mess? I think that a solicitor and GP etc would understand your concerns.

How long have this couple been together for?

Kung Fu Panda is spot on!

She sounds like a fruitloop, get legal advice ASAP, literally as soon as you have a spare moment, you need to get this sorted.

As a step parent (and parent to my own DC's), there's a line to be drawn at where responsibility lies, she crossed it a long timeago and as a parent myself, I am worried about her. She needs psychological help.

As a Step Mother myself I came to this thread suspecting that you may be being unreasonable and perhaps to suggest that you should consider it a positive that the woman in question was showing such a positive interest in your DC's welfare.

Having read your post, I must confess my blood ran cold. There is something VERY disturbing about her behaviour and it crosses a number of boundaries that in my view characterise a healthy and positive relationship between a child and a Step Parent.

First and foremost, she is clearly not putting the children first. This is all about her. The suggestion to your PIL's that she wants the children to live permantly with your Ex and her is a clear example. No decent, sane person with a child best interests a heart would want to separate children from their mother when there were clearly no grounds to do so (from your post you sounds like a caring, loving mother, so unless you have some serious issues you are not disclosing this alone is very telling behaviour on her part).

I would be very worried about her taking the children from school without your prior agreement, for whatever reason. I cannot imagine a circumstance where I would feel this is appropriate and to cite another example, yes I have done "haircuts" but only after having agreed with "Mum" including the style etc in advance.

Like other posters above I think you cannot let this continue. I fear otherwise this will just continue to escalate. I would start keeping a record of issues and seek legal advice.

This isn't in the end about you or her. It's about your children and I genuinely do not believe she can possibly be (based on her behaviour you have mentioned) a positive influence on your children.

She is clearly manipulative and lacking in clarity about what is really best for them, deluding herself that their best interests are served by what she wants. You really do need to stop this in its tracks as soon as possible.

Best of luck xxx

What the fuck? She's a total head case :(

Poor you!

Some brilliant advice on here already. Just to add that when you see a solicitor ask to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent your ex and his GF taking your children out of the country without your permission.

Can you book a day off work tomorrow and see a solicitor then?

What about "fruitloop"?

Don't really have anything to add, except as the stepmums have said, make sure you sort the "petty" stuff (haircuts, uploading photos not the comments! ) from the just plain scary stuff when you speak to the solicitor, or it will make you sound like the spurned woman.
Good luck! and another well done for keeping your cool so far

I would stop all contact and take legal steps to uphold that.
Make a diary in retrospect.

I am a Stepmum too and I would never have dreamed of behaving like this woman. She sounds an absolute nightmare.

I dont have any suggestions because I cant see how you can reason with someone so crazy.

She sounds like she has mental health issues !!!!

This sounds scary and above all, not at all in the best interests of your children.
Kungfu gave you great advice and you have taken a step in listing everything here. Get as much as you can think of documented, you'll be surprised and probably horrified yourself when you see it written down and it may help your exh to understand your concerns should you decide to discuss them with him.
Good luck

This is the scariest thing I've ever read on MN.

Kungfu has given you a good plan to follow, also SnowWhiteWinter has raised some valid points as to what she is allowed to do with and for your DC if she has their fathers permission and if he has equal PR to you.

For example, my EX hates my family because they supported me when I split from him, but my mum often helps me out with school, nursery, hospital and doctor appointments. EX doesn't like it but my solicitor said he can't stop it.