to ask if you think you have been overlooked because of your perceived lack of wealth?

[suebfg]

I didn't used to think that this sort of thing existed (maybe I am too naive) but since DS started at school, I feel as if I have been bypassed by a few people because I don't wear certain clothes, drive a fancy car etc. Are people really so shallow?

I have definitely had people make snap judgements, even before I've opened my mouth. Then some people hear my (slight Manchester) accent and think I'm posh (ha!) as I don't drop my aitches or speak with a glottal stop and some think "Oh she's NORTHERN" with whatever stereotypes come with that. Some people definitely do stop talking to you deliberately because you aren't as wealthy as them. Also others feel intimidated by your intelligence and education and think you are more posh than them, maybe snobby.

Of course people gravitate to others where they have things in common, a similar world view and the conversation flows easily. But some definitely do judge very quickly on superficial things. Fuck em basically!

When my DH retired , he got quite a good lump sum to go with his pension . We had scraped and saved and got by , and made do for quite some years beforehand , but he had promised himself a decent Landrover as his treat to himself , as every other Landrover we'd had , had been at least 15 years old and a bit dodgy . So we thought , why not ? At last we were in a position to get one . The day after he retired , the money came in, and he woke me up from night duty to go and look . Now bear in mind I look really tired , no slap on, and frankly am barely awake . Add to that the fact the DH hasn't shaved for 3 days (because he didn't have to!) and is a natural scruff .

We walk into the dealership, and are comprehensively ignored . By everyone . We wander round , have a look at the new ones , still ignored . Go outside , have a look at the car we'd seen on the website , come back in , still ignored . As we almost turn round and leave , the trainee salesman is quite obviously told to come and see what we want . He's a nice lad , about 19 ish , we mention the car , and we go and have another look inside . Then DH says ' Do you work on commission ? '. and the lad says 'Um, yes'. 'That's handy ' says DH , handing over his debit card in full view of the whole sales team 'we'll take that one . Can you have it ready tomorrow? '.

Oddly when we went to pick it up the following day , they were all over us . And have been ever since .

I dunno. I find it all rather confusing. We are not outwardly materialistic and I know people have met us on holiday from time to time and looked us up and down and clocked DH's scruffy shorts and deck shoes and socks and my clapped out French car and me in an old pair of cropped M&S kegs and tatty top and thought and been a bit dismissive in conversation. Then they have asked where we are staying and have said "oh that must be quite expensive". Oh how I have enjoyed when I have said so sweetly "oh nothing, we rent it out when we don't use it ourselves. They think it here in London too sometimes (they stuck their little noses up when the dc started school and their faces were a little picture in the where do you live convo "oh a flat", "oh on the other side of the road" - er no actually) - it's quite satisfying really.

It isn't nice and frankly I couldn't care - it's the people who matter. I think in some ways that some people care so much it takes their focus away from earning the green stuff that would the fund the lifestyles they hanker after so much.

The most wonderful lady I know is dappily blonde, at least 80 now - never seen without black socks (with holes) and millets type sandals, a hippy skirt, etc.. Look at her face and you might notice the diamond earrings that must be worth at least 30k; gasps as she clangs off in an ancient golf in case the exhaust falls off. She and her husband sold their house adj. to Richmond Park - it needed a bit of work and was too big for them. The five houses that were built went for more than £2m at least 10 years ago. I so love the way "people" look down their noses at her in Sainsburys. She would never ever pay Waitrose prices .

The people who care really don't matter OP. Stand straight and look them in the eye.

I think there are two kinds of blanking. The first is simply "keeping distance" not wanting to have too many acquaintances, simply to avoid the burden of having to constantly small talk on the school run. Not judgemental, more like in the office where there are plenty of people who mutually recognise each other, but for whom daily contact would be impractical and unnecessary.

The second kind of blanking is judgemental, and it appears to be quite common. It is understandable where there is a large-ish social gap, common interests, issues and values tend to diverge. What's less understandable and less acceptable is when the blanking is done out of pure snobbery, as a means of claiming superiority. In those cases the problem is with the person doing the blanking rather than the one being blanked.

The one and only time this happened to me was when I was looking round some show homes on a new estate one Sunday afternoon. I was pregnant, and wearing jogging gear. I can't remember what DH was wearing but it definitely wasn't smart.

The show home lady took one look at us and said in a very uperty tone "Our houses start at £250K." "OK, that's fine." I said. DH had to point out to me that we didn't look like we could afford one of the houses, which is why she had been so off with us.

If it had been smaller item, such as something on a makeup counter I would have bought it to make a point, but even I wouldn't do that with something as major as a house. I just like to remind myself that she lost a sale as we bought a house nearby from a different builder.

Money can't buy you class though.

You can have a big house,a flash car a rich husband etc and still be a dick.

Oh yeah, I got blanked at baby massage classes because I live slightly about 5 roads down the hill from the 'middle middle class' area and the 'lower middle class' area down the hill and was a bit more Primark than Boden.

I put it down to the fact they were cunts and stopped going. I went to a class further down the hill with the other plebs like me instead.

Generally though I find that people who do things like this are unpleasant people who are not worth befriending anyway.

Incidentally I went to a private boarding school and my parents are wealthy and we didn't have this sort of thing at all there, everyone was just polite to each other and we had some girls there who were army and not at all well off and it never made any difference.

I find it's people who are a bit lower down and insecure in their own status that do this. It's a bit, well, common really.

It has happened to me, but I didnt notice or guess. It took another relative to point out to me what was happening.

Hmmn, its happened to me a little but I've noticed it only ever comes from, how can I put this, the uneducated. Tends to be those women who have been fortunate enough to get rich husbands, never worked or much education themselves, spoil their children, and assess people's worth on their material possesions.

I am a professional, very well paid and private school then prestigious university, but I don't flash it around or talk about it. Its obvious to anyone from a similar background that I'm well off, so I find it amusing when the type of woman I describe above looks down on me because I work for a living.

Ha ha!

I live in a fairly posh area. I used to live in the village when Ds1 was 5-6. I also had ds2 who was 1- ish. I used to march across the fields with ds1, and ds2 in a back-pack carrier, wearing wellies and paint stained leggings (I was doing up the cottage to sell, cos it was getting too small?) In my defence, I was also doing my MSc and had two kids?

Ds1 got on well with one wee chap at school, but his mum ? although chatty with other mums ? always used to stare through me whenever I tried to make small talk ? I thought I was imagining it at first, but it became clear I wasn't. I mentally shrugged, and moved on.

Summer comes. It is sports day. Now I am in paint stained shorts. We have moved, but am redecorating, and doing exams. Ex dh (then Dh) is there getting ds1 a drink, and now slightly older ds2 is hoofing it around in a happy fashion.

Our children are in the same race, and she deigns to talk to me.

"Isn't it hot?" she says

"It certainly is! Let?s hope it stays like this!" I exclaim

"It's lovely that your partner is here for sports day ? erm ? is he working at the moment?"

"Yes ? he is ? he's taken a days annual leave" I say shortly

"Well ? that's very handy ? my husbands work wouldn't spare him the time ? what does your partner do?"

"He's a G.P" I reply

"Oh!"

30 second silence whilst she recalibrates her social radar. Then.

"Would your Ds1 like to come to tea one day?.?"

I kid you not!

I have a posh accent, an Oxbridge degree, a private school education (thanks assisted place!) and the wife and I are double-barrelled (her taking my name, not a joining of names). So people are often very surprised to find that my family live in a 'compact' 2-up 2-down with subsidence, and that my dad is a bus driver with a rural Co Durham accent so strong that even people from the next town struggle to understand him.

This puts me in the situation of being both ignored by Made in Chelsea types and spurned by people I have more in common with economically... it's fun!

People avoid people for lots of reasons. At the school gate I was drawn to the pushy (usually professional) parents and avoided the let children be children homework is bad parents who tended to be not so well off. No doubt these parents thought I was being snobby.

Yes I do. I have a particular group of friends who I do quite a lot with. They go on foreign holidays together a couple of times times a year. Once one of them said they'd love me to come but don't ask because they know I can't afford it.

She didn't mean it horribly and she was right so I don't mind.

I did mind when another friend was having a group of couples around to eat once a month and said that I could come when I found a DP

Two tales....

When dd1 was at nursery I always picked up in jeans, trainers and t shirt, and when dh did he did too. He picked up more than a lot of Dads because he often worked at home, and dd2 was brand new. The catchment was 50/50 council and private housing. Most people happily had amid of friends. One lady wouldn't and was without a doubt very, very snobby in her out look.

One day dh drops off dd1 on his way to the office, in his suit. I go to pick up and this 'lady' ran up to me to be friends. Her first words were, "I saw your husband wearing a suit this morning!" I looked at her and replied that he had to go to court. "Oh.." she said and walked off. Obviously assuming that there's no way he could have been working in a court.

Tale two...

Land rover garage again. We walk in and look around, there's no staff about. An older couple also arrive. The sales staff walk back into the show room and both head towards the elderly couple. We walk out to our car, a new Audi A6. It is parked next to the other couples car an old VW golf. The salesmen must have
noticed and run out to talk to us. They had obviously made an assumption on whose car was whose in the car park.... Not that we could actually afford a car at the time!

These days it's not uncommon for young relatively low paid people to max out their income on designer brands so sales assistants tend not to judge your customer potential by appearance.

Well, things were a bit different when I was in my 20s. Despite having a very well paid job in the City I still dressed like I was still working for my former employet an engineering company in the Midlands. Top Shop as opposed to Armani or even M&S :-) Anyway, I had a number of experiences where a sales assistant tried to fob me off when I asked for a closer look at some display items with comments like that I was the wrong height so it wouldn't look right on me so why bother trying it on. After a few episodes like this I decided to stick with the larger stores which were more used to casually dressed European tourists.

... having said that, I dress in M&S and drive a 12 year old Honda and I've yet to be blanked by the rich parents at our DCs' Indies.

Agrees with APMF - I do much the same and have never felt overlooked. Many many mums at our dc's indy schools turn up in jeans and a jumper. I don't really think anyone gives a jot.

The nursery we send DD to can be a bit like this - the majority of parents drive large 4x4s, BMWs or Lotuses. I drive a KA. I have definitely been given looks by people when I get out.

Most days, though, I walk in with DD in her pushchair and I'm the only parent who does this on a regular basis (they have a buggy shed with only my buggy in it most days ). The looks I get from the parents in fancy cars are even more dismissive than when I drive my little car and they keep trying to run me over.

I look a right scruff bag, my house is small and falling to bits, my clothes are all from charity shops and supermarkets. My kids dress themselves so they usually do not look very groomed.... I don't buy branded products if I can help it.

I have just quit my six figure salary job.

If people "overlook" me because of how I look and the things I have then that is fine by me. I don't think it will damage my kids, they can make thier own friends for thier own reasons.

Now I'm wondering what the other mums think of me as we arrived a few years after all the others had started reception. it's a nice MC area school and I'm a scruff with a rough sounding regional accent even though we are very comfortably off. Wonder where they bracket me. Saying that they all seem quite nice.

APMF At the school gate I was drawn to the pushy (usually professional) parents and avoided the let children be children homework is bad parents who tended to be not so well off

Interesting but ultimately flawed, round here we have kids with DP & GPs in 'Professional' jobs who basically outsource their parental input to the school. They're not hungry for success because can't imagine anything else. Their kids don't work hard, they're basically buying brains. Inheritences will give them a cushion.

We also have a large cohort of people who have done better then their parents but are stuck in a job with little chance of progression. Those are the parents on their kids backs, education is an escape from a dull working life, it gives you options.

I know who I want my DDs to be friends with and it's not the ones with the swimming pool.

I think some of these sales assistants are getting a hard time on here and I certainly have never felt anything but attention - despite often looking a total scruff bag.

A case in point many years ago buying our new home. We took our best friends around with us - it was a building site but the show home was immaculate. Our friendship is started from being neighbours as we are from very different backgrounds. Friends have 10 o levels between them whilst we have a collection of degrees and professional qualifications. Best friend dresses very differently from us in ripped jeans and logo'd type t shirts hoodies etc. Anyway, I digress, just trying to set the scene.

Sales negotiator was drilled by our friend but answered all his questions politely despite him looking like he hadnt got 2 pennies to rub together and his kids were teething and being a general nightmare (along with mine I hasten to add).

The next time we saw her we mentioned that our friend was a multimillionaire and in property development himself and she didnt bat an eyelid. She said her experience in the field meant that she judged nobody by the way they looked - it just wasnt possible to pigeon hole people these says !