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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

worried about my sister (and dh!)

79 replies

MichelleHud · 09/12/2012 19:29

my sister has been staying with us for the past few months (recently divorced, no dks, moved to our area for work). even though we are close in age tbh i was not very close to her growing up, but was happy to help her settle in here (she has a very good job here). everything was fine for a while, but lately i am concerned about how she is getting too close to my dh. might be i am just too sensitive...

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 09/12/2012 21:06

I think the posts are going to change now that you have said you are younger and slimmer. It will be seen as bitchy.

Maybe your sister sees how busy you are at work and is trying to help by doing bits you would - get drinks for him, chat to him when you are busy.

Or maybe she wants to shag him.

CoolaYuleA · 09/12/2012 21:07

I think you sound resentful more than jealous. It sounds like she is doing the things you wish you had time to do, except you have work, a house and a child to look after as well as trying to fit in time with your DH.

Your DSis on the other hand just has work and then comes home, where she has time to chat with your DH, watch tv (think the wine is just basic manners tbh) etc whilst you are ferrying your DC about to hobbies, doing house stuff and everything that goes with being a wife or mother.

From what you have said it doesn't sound like there is anything at all going on that you need to worry about. But it does sound like you don't feel you have enough time with your DH because life and the demands of work, home and DC are taking up time too, and you have become aware of this because your DSis is showing you it.

Perhaps if you were less busy your DSis would talk to you/watch tv with you too? As you aren't available she is chatting to and watching tv with the person who is.

If it's bothering you this much you need to work out ways to get more time with DH. Maybe get your sister to babysit one night a week so you can have "date night"? Ask her to cook one or two nights a week and spend that time with DH drinking that glass of wine and chatting? Get DH to do some of the taking DC to hobbies so you can have a drink and a chat with your sister? Get DH or both of them to pitch in on the household stuff so that you can ALL sit down and chat together once everything is done.

I do think this could all be resolved quite easily. It sounds like you have NO time, and they both have plenty of time to chat etc. Even out the division of labour so that you can have some time to join in, or spend alone with your DH.

maddening · 09/12/2012 21:07

Why has he got loads of free time to drink wine and chat with your sister while you're running around - in my mind everyone would chip in to get the jobs needed doing done and all sit down together. A couple of evenings dsis could babysit so you can go out with dh - to both pay back for your hospitality and acknowledge that her being there means you have to go out to get some time alone as a couple.

squeakytoy · 09/12/2012 21:10

can someone show me where the OP has said she does all the cooking, housework or childcare please? Or is that just feminist projection...

TidyDancer · 09/12/2012 21:10

Sounds like you trying to talk yourself into believing there's no reason for your DH to be attracted to your DSis.

I suspect you are jealous that your DSis has more free time than you do and that she is with your DH when you're not. That doesn't mean he wants to shag her, or her him. This is your issue, not theirs.

HildaOgden · 09/12/2012 21:12

I think 2 women in the same nest rarely works.

Regardless of whether anything is going on (and I seriously doubt it is,from what you've said),it's unsettling you that another woman is having a more positive experience of living with your husband that you seem to be.Friendlier,warmer,whatever.

Start moving her on (nicely though,she hasn't done anything except be friendly),and then learn some lessons from this.Be nicer to your husband,ask how his day was (Im not saying that in a fifties housewife way!!!)....just generally treat him the way someone should treat their friends.

Because he's not just your husband,he's your friend too ....make time for the 2 of you.

onedev · 09/12/2012 21:13

I would say trust your instincts - simple as that. There may or may not be anything in it but if it doesn't feel right to you, then change it.

Mollydoggerson · 09/12/2012 21:18

I would forget about all this thinner/fatter stuff. The op only mentioned it when she was accused of being jealous.

How long will dsis stay? Has this been discussed? If not I think it should be.

What's that saying 'After 3 days all house guests start to go off'.

Does dsis pander to you, get you wine, watch your tv choice?

It sounds to me like she is doing a bit of sucking up to the homeowner that is there most often. She should know herself how long is reasonable to stay, I think perhaps she needs to give the couple of the house a little more space and couple time, could you suggest that to her?

Too many alpha females under one roof is not a good thing.

Original poster
MichelleHud · 09/12/2012 21:18

i'd consider myself somewhat attractive, for my age! 39!!! i get along well with people well superficially. am easy to be with i think, but my sister has had a series of partners and is very "open", i've just had two and no great drive in bedroom to be honest. i like it most of time, but just prefer to get it done (sounds bad?). just writing this has helped me i think.

OP posts:
ujjayi · 09/12/2012 21:20

I agree with others who are asking why on earth you are run ragged and yet the other two adults in the house have time for wine and chat?

squeakytoy · 09/12/2012 21:22

again, where does OP say she is run ragged? She says she goes to the gym and has hobbies and a part time job.

Original poster
MichelleHud · 09/12/2012 21:24

i am very busy, but i am not run ragged tbh. i do lots of the house stuff, but dh is better than most in the respect, at least i think so.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 09/12/2012 21:48

I think you need to spend more time with your dh

VitoCorleone · 09/12/2012 22:00

Sounds to me like your sister is just being friendly, and that you're insecure and starting to feel threatened that she's getting on so well with your DH

Original poster
MichelleHud · 09/12/2012 22:24

i do spend lots of time with dh, but i know what you mean. i need to make more of a conscious effort with dh. sis talks about things openly with me (and sometime/often with dh present) about boyfriends. while i am indeed attractive, i also am very conservative, never been too interested, very bad experience in uni which did not help, and even my sister jokes about my smile in our wedding photo (i think you know the joke, but for me it was serious!). i'm worried it might make me seem very dull/boring in comparison to sister; so that may be the cause of my worry. maybe he'll think about her in a way that he does not about me? anyway, this has helped clear my mind. i think i understand myself a bit more.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 09/12/2012 22:39

Is this for real? Good god OP. You either trust your husband and sister or you don't, and if you don't you need to say something to one or both of them about it. You sound very jealous and insecure, although of what I don't know.

peaceandlovebunny · 09/12/2012 22:58

availability is what men look for in women. is she available? if so, at least get her out of the house.

chrismissymoomoomee · 09/12/2012 23:07

Just when I think I have read the most cynical thing I could ever read MN proves me wrong again.

Availability is what men look for in a woman?

Maybe the men you know peaceandlovebunny the men I know have higher standards than that.

quoteunquote · 09/12/2012 23:13

availability is what men look for in women

Not the men I know, terrible generalisation

If your sister there, you have a baby sitter, go out together a lot, she can look after the children while you and your husband go out and have fun, reconnect and reinstall some trust.

cumfy · 09/12/2012 23:20

we have 6 y dd
+
but my sister has had a series of partners and is very "open", i've just had two and no great drive in bedroom to be honest

Confused So you have had recent extra-marital relationships ?
ilovesooty · 09/12/2012 23:25

I don't think your sister is the issue at all tbh.

Viviennemary · 09/12/2012 23:25

If you are worried then show her the door.

ilovesooty · 09/12/2012 23:26

If you show her the door it doesn't sort out your insecurities does it?

Tamisara · 09/12/2012 23:31

I don't think it's just insecurity.

If my Dsis came to stay, I would expect her to spend sometime in her room, not taking my position on the sofa, fetching wine for my DH, laughing at his jokes, cosily watching sports together, while I'm not there.

I think that in an ongoing situation (not just a short-term stay), then there should be some realisation that there are boundaries, and respect of them. That includes realising that the primary relationship needs privacy, and space.

Tamisara · 09/12/2012 23:33

Mind you, this is borne out of uncomfortableness with my sister.

She did used to parade around in her undies, in front of my DS's dad, when I was heavily pregnant, asking if she looked sexy.

She flirted with all my exes, to the extent that one of them still asks how she is, and it irks me Hmm

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