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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset to see £1000 has gone out of our joint bank statement to DH's brother?

33 replies

wolvesarerunning · 09/12/2012 08:14

Just discoverd this when statement arived yesterday.DHwokss abroad and earns a lot more than me. He is likely to say he is entitled to help his DB ouBIL hashistory of this but this just upsets me deeply.

OP posts:

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 09/12/2012 08:16

I'm not surprised you're upset.

Couples normally discuss such kind of things.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/12/2012 08:19

YANBU he should have asked first.

DoingTheBestICan · 09/12/2012 08:31

He should have discussed it with you first,but if you can afford it and it was to pay the mortgage and not just to piss up against the wall i wouldnt mind too much.
I'd be more upset at not being told.

Original poster

wolvesarerunning · 09/12/2012 08:38

Just makes me feel sad really feel BIL is being considered over me and the children. If I query I am sure I will be told it's a loan or an investment but it's the not mentioning it in the first place which hurts.

OP posts:

CanonFodder · 09/12/2012 08:39

Do you and DH also have seperate accounts where you keep money just for yourselves? If so I'd be narked that he took it out of your joint funds wihtout talking about it first.
But then again it depends on how much you have. If £1000 isn't an awful lot to you, you haven't had to save for it and have nothing you need for yourselves and your kids then I'd say it was rude of him to to mention it first as a matter of courtesy.
If you are like us and £1000 is a significant part of what little saving you have and you have all sorts of things you need to do with it then I'd be furious. I'm sure if his DBro is in genuinely dire straits then you'd have agreed to help him anyway, but any spendng that makes a significant dent in your joint funds should always be discussed first IMHO.

mrskeithrichards · 09/12/2012 08:40

Is it leaving you short?

peaceandlovebunny · 09/12/2012 08:42

if you have so much money that he can give it away without consulting you, you are in a good position indeed.
if the loss of £1000 will have a negative impact on your family - no food, no christmas presents, no heating - then he genuinely is putting his brother first.

i'd say ltb but it sounds like he's a good earner with a generous personality and they're few and far between...

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 09/12/2012 08:43

yes is it leaving you short? how will it effect you?

I agree he should have discussed the matter with you first.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 09/12/2012 08:44

Whether he should have given ot to his brother depends on lots of things. Like is it alot of money to you and your family? Does the brother genuinely need help? Will you have to go without because of this?

However he should have discussed it with you first?

Does he do this alot? Is money divided unequally? Does he keep what he earns.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 09/12/2012 08:45

I would be furious if DH took £1000 if our family money for any purpose whatsoever without getting my agreement.

I wouldn't dream of doing it myself.

TheSkiingGardener · 09/12/2012 08:49

Regardless of whether you can afford it or not its totally unreasonable for him not to have discussed it with you first. That would be my issue with it, whether we earned 50p or £50,000 a month.

JenaiMathis · 09/12/2012 08:54

I know this is AIBU contrariness gone mad, but on reflection I think both dp and I have done similar, although with lesser amounts.

Context is all, really.

JenaiMathis · 09/12/2012 08:58

He might also have transferred the money to his brother's account so he could do some Christmas shopping on his behalf.

Fakebook · 09/12/2012 08:59

I think even if they can afford it, it's still a bit rude of the DH not to tell OP. my DH has given money to his family members often. We are luckily in an okay-ish position, but he always tells me in passing that he's doing it. I think hiding things like this causes a lot of friction in a relationship.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 09/12/2012 09:06

"He might also have transferred the money to his brother's account so he could do some Christmas shopping on his behalf."

Makes no odds.

When you live as one economic unit, buying presents is a shared cost that needs to be discussed in advance if the cost is high.

JenaiMathis · 09/12/2012 09:10

Not in this household it isn't. Having said that, it was from the joint account which changes things maybe.

I still wouldn't go off on one.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 09/12/2012 09:10

DH helps his DB, however his DB is definitely financially needy and (small Tesco online grocery shops aside) would always discuss the amount to be given to me.

I'd be annoyed, but I guess it depends on context, if you can afford it easily and DB genuinely needs the money for something specific such as rent/heating then fine. If not, then I must admit I would be tempted to start siphoning a bit of money off for myself as your DH clearly doesn't see it as joint funds.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 09/12/2012 09:14

Well sure, you can live with the fiction that your finances are separate and that there is such a thing as a genuine gift from one to the other.

But in reality, money spent in presents is money taken from household assets, so there is no scope for generosity, just little bits of casual thieving g that make the "giver" feel good about themselves.

TheNebulousBoojum · 09/12/2012 09:18

I think the problem isn't the amount, but the lack of any discussion.
It seems as if your DP regards any money he earns over and above what is necessary for your immediate family is his to dispose of as he sees fit.
You say BIL is being considered over and above you and the children. Has the loss of the money actually made a difference to your circumstances?
He probably sees helping his brother as entirely different to spending a grand on golf clubs, but he should have discussed it with you as his partner.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 09/12/2012 09:35

YANBU. It's a large amount of money and you, as an equal partner in the relationship, should have been consulted. The way you write it sounds as though this kind of thing has happened before and that you are routinely not taken into account and/or your objections are not taken seriously. That's not a healthy sign in a marriage.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/12/2012 16:40

Have you asked your DH about this yet? What did he say?

Pantofino · 09/12/2012 16:51

Context is everything really. I sent a friend of mine some bits this week as she was having a hard time. That money came from the joint account and I did not discuss it with DH at all. £25 or £1000 depends on your own financial circumstances.....

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/12/2012 16:52

You need to give more of the background to this story. You are probably not being unreasonable to be upset, but you might be.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/12/2012 18:59

If I earn the money and all my bills had been paid and everybody in my house had what they needed then I wouldn't feel I had to ask anybody's permission

mrskeithrichards · 09/12/2012 19:30

Only on here would present giving between partners be called casual thieving!

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