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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is this other mum?

31 replies

Clary · 07/12/2012 23:31

Was picking up from Scouts last night and another mum was there with her DD - it was very very cold and drizzling, so I made some comment (as the girl was in her jammies!) about ooh you are brave to come out with mum, wouldn't you rather be at home! I can't get anyone to join me at pick-up time!

SO anyway mum replies, oh well, DH is working away this week so she had to come out. I didn't know what to say tbh as the girl is in year 8 and in fact turned 13 last month.

Surely anyone would leave a 13yo at home for max half an hour (I know they live pretty locally) while you walked to Scouts and back (at 9.30 btw so pretty late to be coming out unnecessarily!). I felt like saying that actually, but then thought it's not my business what they do.

But really? Am I way off the pace here? DH was here, but if he wasn't, I would have no qualms, I mean not a single one, about leaving eg DS1 (13) and Ds2 (9) at home, in bed or not, while I picked up DD (11) at Scouts. Is this just me? Am I missing something? Or do you all do this and this other woman is a bit bonkers over-protective???

OP posts:
FelicityWasSanta · 07/12/2012 23:33

Yabu for giving a shit about this non issue.

lookingfoxy · 07/12/2012 23:33

I suppose it depends on the 13yr old, some more mature than others, she may not have wanted to have been left in the house alone.

chrismissymoomoomee · 07/12/2012 23:34

She obviously has her reasons and they are none of your business.

threesocksfullofchocs · 07/12/2012 23:34

why do you care?

whois · 07/12/2012 23:37

Why shouldn't she? OP sounds intereste to hear if it's normal to leave kids at home.

I think so. Mums net generally thinks not.

Original poster
Clary · 07/12/2012 23:38

I don't think it's a non-issue really.

I suppose I am after some reassurance that it's generally considered OK to leave a 13yo alone, because I would assume it was, but now I'm starting to think I am making a bad error; I leave my 11 and 13 and also my 9yo on their own in the house quite often (not the 9yo on his own for more than a very few minutes tbh), is this then not generally done? I don't want people in generala thinking I am a neglectful mum and wondered if I was badly off the pace, that's all.

OP posts:
freddiefrog · 07/12/2012 23:41

I would have thought leaving a 13 year old home alone for half an hour would have been fine, but then my DH had a shitfit when I left my 11 year old home alone for 20 minutes so maybe my judgement is off

FlourFace · 07/12/2012 23:41

"none of your business" "why do you care?"

Mumsnet would be very quiet if people stuck to that!

I'm not a mum but leaving a 13 yr old at home for half an hour doesn't sound unreasonable.

AgentZigzag · 07/12/2012 23:41

The DD probably asked to come out with her mum? Maybe she's spooked staying at home at night on her own?

I don't take your OP as you condemning them though, you're just saying the private thoughts most of us have about other people.

Although you did kind of say it to the mum, which is why she was defensive... Grin

chrismissymoomoomee · 07/12/2012 23:43

I leave DS in the house alone and he is 11, I wouldn't leave DD in the house alone, she is 8. Thats my children though, there are some 11yo children who aren't mature enough to be left alone, there are some 8yo children that maybe are. You know your own kids as that woman knows hers, I wouldn't be basing a choice like that on what everyone else does.

Brycie · 07/12/2012 23:46

I would leave a 13-year-old at home, I would say that's normal to leave a 13-year-old at home. But she might be scared of the dark or something. She might have had a horrid experience with a weirdo, you never know.

fanoftheinvisiblebigredman · 07/12/2012 23:47

Maybe she doesn't like being left at home alone. Mum would still likely just reply she had no choice (given that it is go or be alone). It is unlikely she realised she had to justify herself to you with the full ins and outs.

Original poster
Clary · 07/12/2012 23:47

No, I really didn't say it to the mum, I properly bit my tongue (that's why it hurts today Grin) I really think I just said ooh I would have stayed at home - not knowing that dad wasn't there at the time.

When she said, oh well DH is away this week so of course I couldn't leave her, I really bit back my retort of gosh why not just leave her on her own??? - realising that of course it would be quite rude to say that, and as others say here, they must have their reasons. I mean if the reasons are she wanted to come out, or she is notoriously very very silly when left alone, then fair enough. If the reason is ooooh goodness you can't leave a 13yo at home! then I was a bit surprised. And wondered if I was alone in this.

That's all.

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 07/12/2012 23:48

Of course it's fine

But you don't know if the 13yr old has any issues about being left alone.

Original poster
Clary · 07/12/2012 23:48

Hmm she don't have to justify herself to me!!! It's me that's seeking justification here I think!

OP posts:
Geeklover · 07/12/2012 23:49

I actually think threads like this are quite interesting.
partly because I often wonder if I'm too laissez faire (incidentally iPhone auto corrected that to laid sex Shock)
I have just started leaving my 9 year old dd in the house for a short time, I mean less than 10 minutes while I nip to the shop 5 doors up from our house but I don't know anyone else who would do that.
Nice to hear other perspective on things.

ZacharyQuack · 07/12/2012 23:49

YABU to have asked the daughter if she wouldn't rather be at home, and to come on here and judge another parent's decisions.

However, you have given a good demonstration that that the reason why people judge other people is often because they are insecure about the wisdom of their own decisions.

Petsinmypudenda · 07/12/2012 23:50

Daughter may not have wished to be alone at home or the mym might not think her daughter is ready to stay alone

It's not really your business really And does it really matter?

BOFingSanta · 07/12/2012 23:50

I'd leave a 13 year old at home. If they wanted to come with me, walking, in the rain, I'd insist they put some proper clothes on.

That said, yeah, who cares Xmas Grin

CoolaYuleA · 07/12/2012 23:53

It's not a 13 year old though, it's this 13 year old. Some kids are fine being left, some aren't. Some like it, some don't. Whether or not people leave a 13 year old depends on the individual child. So you might get a wealth of people saying they would leave a 13 year old, but likewise there will be some who won't, for whatever reason.

It's neither right nor wrong to leave them or not leave them. It's the choice of the parent and maybe the child to make an informed decision - you don't have the information about this child, so what other people do or don't do makes no odds.

fanoftheinvisiblebigredman · 07/12/2012 23:54

That's not really the tone you give off though in your op. You do refer to her being bonkers and ask if you are missing something which does imply you think she is wrong. She may be bonkers and overprotective but she might not.

Original poster
Clary · 07/12/2012 23:54

I don't actually think it's foolish to leave my DC at home when I do; but I do wonder if I am the only person I know who does this and if this will get me a bad name!

Not gonna stop doing it tho (well I couldn't work if I thought it was unwise to leave a 13yo at home as there is nowhere else for him to go!) Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Brycie · 07/12/2012 23:56

Basically despite the fact that you are obviously a really horrible person for e even thinking about this ever, how dare you Hmm..

..yes most people would think it fine to leave a 13-year-old and most 13-year-olds would be happy to be left

.. but this one could have reasons why she doesn't want to be alone or ..

YES the mother could be neurotic

she really could but the thing is, no you are not wrong to think it's unusual

Original poster
Clary · 07/12/2012 23:56

Cool Yule that's a good point, mum may have been saying "I couldn't leave her [because of reasons which are specific to us and which you don't know about and which are not your business, true enough]" rather than, as I have interpreted it, "I couldn't leave her [because no-one in their right mind would leave a 13yo at home]"

Fair dos. Will shut up now I think (unusual for me)

OP posts:
mrskeithrichards · 07/12/2012 23:58

It's fine to leave a 13 year old but no the other hand there 1000 reasons why mum didn't want to this time and I'd guess she didn't want to go into them with you.