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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

hospital visiting - how frequent?

38 replies

marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:15

My mum is in hospital, she has had an op and been in 2 weeks with no end in sight. I have visited everyday. But I have 3 little kids and dh is getting fed up putting them to bed every night alone.

I am and only child and my mum has few other visitors but she expects me to visit every night. I was a little bit annoyed when I went tonight as she had had 3 friends visit this afternoon yet didn't text me not to come tonight.

Do you think it is reasonable for my mum not to have visitors some days? She would be very upset, but dh is furious with her and says she is being selfish to expect me to come daily when I also have so much else on - a young family, job and I have to call in eveyday on my dad who is ill too.

What do you think?

OP posts:
pepperrabbitanddesultorytinsel · 07/12/2012 21:20

i guess it depends on how long she will be in for?
I think I would warn her in advance that i wouldn't be there on say Tues, and suggest she arranges for friends to visit that day.

HollyBerryBush · 07/12/2012 21:23

She's your mother.

Cant legislate for workes in your house but I had a 5 month old, was pregnant again, working uptown and my father was critically ill for several months. So my life was leaving work, throwing DS1 @ DP, sitting in a hospital every night for 3 hours, coming home, and sleeping, work, ad infinitum.

But I loved my father, his life was limited, BUT my DH understood because we did the same when his mother was ill.

Way I look at it, your parents love you and bring you up, you repay that, and hopefully your children will pay it back to you in 40 odd years.

HuggleBuggleBear · 07/12/2012 21:23

I think after a week or so its difficult to maintain daily visiting. Could you speak with her friends/ other family members and make sure visits aren't on the same days.

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:25

I think she will prob be in for another week. So not a massive amount if time.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/12/2012 21:25

Can you not talk to her friends to find out when they are going visiting so you can have a night off?

frootshoots · 07/12/2012 21:26

My dad was in hospital during the summer for a month after a stroke. I have 6 siblings, we all went every single day at whatever visiting hours we could, including my mum. I think you have one of each parent, and she has been there enough for you over the years, so if you can now be there for her, then that is great. But that's just us, and what felt right for us.

If you're not happy visiting so often, explain to her your situation. She's your mum, she'll get it.

HollyBerryBush · 07/12/2012 21:26

Is it that difficult to give your mother some time?

longingforsomesleep · 07/12/2012 21:26

Bit difficult to say without knowing what your mum's in for, how old she is, how far you have to travel etc. Could you get in touch with her friends and explain that you want to make sure your mum sees a friendly face at least once a day, but that you're finding it difficult so could they maybe commit to a couple of visits a week so you know you don't have to go in on those days?

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2012 21:28

I don't think your dh is very supportive tbh Sad

Shakirasma · 07/12/2012 21:28

I wouldn't want to go without visitors in hospital, what a miserable day that would be. I certainly wouldn't do that to my parents either.

It is a temporary situation, it's hard but needs to be done. Your DH sounds like the selfish one! Poor him, having to put his own kids to bed whilst his MIL is hospitalised. boo flecking hoo.

When my dad was in hospital my DH did everything he could to make life as easy for me as possible, he certainly did not try and make me choose between him and my sick dad!

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:30

Her situation is not life threatening. I see that you would visit do what ever when someone is very seriously ill. Also please note hollyberrybush I said i also visit my dad everyday - he is also ill and only has me to look after him - my thinking is my mum is in hos, so has an army of health care professionals to look after her.

OP posts:
TravelinColour · 07/12/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffeh · 07/12/2012 21:31

I spend a lot of time in hospital and I never expect someone to visit me daily. My DP will usually come daily but when he looks tired I tell him to take a day off visiting.
If you tried explaining the situation to your mum would she be ok with you visiting less often?

SirBoobAlot · 07/12/2012 21:32

Think your H is being unreasonable. When someone you love is ill, and in hospital, you visit them. Hospital is an utterly miserable place to be. Especially if its just another week, he should suck it up.

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:35

Hi ivykaty - my dh has had to reorganised his work hours some days to accommadate visiting and he also is not well himself - so working all day and putting 3 kids to bed alone is hard for him.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/12/2012 21:37

Tough one really. What are the visiting times? Can you go in earlier and leave in order to put the kids to bed later or can you go after the kids are in bed. Maybe even popping them to bed a bit earlier before going back out to the hospital?

However, I wouldn't expect DH to say anything to me if it was my parent in hospital unless he needed to work late and there was a childcare issue in the evening. My mum would understand if I couldn't come every night and I would speak to her friends about trying to co-ordinate some days where they go to visit and I don't.

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2012 21:37

mary - so is life not hard for you? Your mum is sick and in hospital you work and have three children to look after and on top of that your husband is complaining about the fact you are visiting your sick mum in hospital.
it is tough on both of you not more tough on him than it is on you

DontmindifIdo · 07/12/2012 21:38

what do you want to do? Your mum wants you to visit, your DH wants you at home, do you want to go to see your mum every night, will you miss it if you dont or would you like to have some time with your family?

If you would like to go less often, then go every other day, perhaps call some of her friends or other family and ask if they can do some evening visits this week to make it a little less stressful for you/make you feel less guilty about staying away.

FredFredGeorge · 07/12/2012 21:43

Your mother is BU to expect you to visit every day.
Your DH is BU to expect you not to visit every day.

You are BU though to not give your DH any time off for many weeks when your mum's situation is non life threatening, you wouldn't visit her every day normally, so why simply because she's recuperating in hospital.

Floralnomad · 07/12/2012 21:48

Why doesn't your husband go for a short visit and you put the kids to bed . She'll likely have less to say to him so he'll be home quick.

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:49

I don't feel in a position to ask others to go - and to be honest there are not that many others that would visit.

But I suppose the whole reason for my post is my annoyance that she has visitors today and never asked me not to come, she know I am run ragged and could have give me a break tonight, but she never does. It just feels like she never realises the other pulls on me. I feel pulled in too many directions. Too much to do, to little time and I am very stressed!

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 07/12/2012 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:54

My god Floralnomad - mother does NOT let you leave till the bell rings for the end of visiting. I try to go a little bit later, but def no leaving until it it is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:55

btw he would go and visit - he gets on with her well enough - and he does his bit with my dad - but it is jusdt too much for us both.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 07/12/2012 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.