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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

hospital visiting - how frequent?

38 replies

marymary40 · 07/12/2012 21:15

My mum is in hospital, she has had an op and been in 2 weeks with no end in sight. I have visited everyday. But I have 3 little kids and dh is getting fed up putting them to bed every night alone.

I am and only child and my mum has few other visitors but she expects me to visit every night. I was a little bit annoyed when I went tonight as she had had 3 friends visit this afternoon yet didn't text me not to come tonight.

Do you think it is reasonable for my mum not to have visitors some days? She would be very upset, but dh is furious with her and says she is being selfish to expect me to come daily when I also have so much else on - a young family, job and I have to call in eveyday on my dad who is ill too.

What do you think?

OP posts:
WoollySocks · 07/12/2012 22:02

I think most posters are asssuming that the op's mother is a loving mother. Whereas it sounds like she is being selfish as her dh is pointing out.

Having no understanding or appreciation of the stress her daughter is under is unkind imo.

I would give yourself a night or two off this week op. You have done a lot and being exhausted will help no-one.

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 22:12

Thanks woolly socks - iam not sure you respose was necessarily the one i was looking for - i just wanted to canvas opinion - but I have to say I did feel I relief when i read your reply.

Yes the second coming she would have visited me- morning, noon and night.
and no - there is no one else can help with me dad - long stroy but he really does need me to visit him.

OP posts:
whathasthecatdonenow · 07/12/2012 22:22

It is hard. For all of my life until his death when I was 25 my dad was in and out of hospital. Never more than 3 months between hospital stays. When he was in London we would only visit once a week, Manchester 3 times a week. When he was in the local hospital we would visit every day. I would take my mum. I'd get in from work, eat quickly, be at the hospital for 6pm and leave at 8pm. I'd drop my mum home and then work from 9-12pm marking and planning and then start the day again at 6am.

I still feel guilty that some days I resented it. However I went and I know how much he appreciated those visits. To me it is one of those things you suck up. It is bloody hard and knackering, but it is worse to be ill and in hospital. Nurses really have little time to spend with patients so it can be awfully lonely.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 07/12/2012 22:24

Can you get your DM a mobile phone?

Most of our patients have them on the ward's these days because family cannot always visit. Doesn't mean they are not loved any less because their son or daughter can't visit one day.

I think some posters are being harsh.

She's not seriously ill, if she were then im sure you wouldn't want to leave her side.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 07/12/2012 22:26

Sorry for typos. On phone Blush

apostrophethesnowman · 07/12/2012 22:29

your dh is being unreasonable. It's not doing him any harm having to put his own children to bed every night.

My mother was in hospital for eight weeks, before coming home to be nursed by me for a further eight weeks at home, before she died of her terminal illness. My father was terminally ill at the same time as her. While I was looking after my mother at home my dad got worse and was hospitalised, so I had to visit him in hospital and nurse my mother at home at the same time. I had four young children to look after too. They died five months apart, both in their early sixties. My ex-DH was fully supportive of me doing what needed to be done, even when I had to give up work to look after two terminally ill parents

It's just what you do when you have parents, the same as it's what parents do for their children.

Do what you can for your parents, you're not always going to have them.

apostrophethesnowman · 07/12/2012 22:30

Oh sorry, meant to say...I visited whichever parent was in hospital every day.

BackforGood · 07/12/2012 22:42

I too think some posters are being harsh.
It's exhausting visiting hospital every night. It's pretty tiring having a job and 3 young children tbh.
It's also pretty exhausting looking after a parent in OP's Dad's situation. To do all of these at once can just be beyond draining.
Yes, we all know there are some superwomen on here who could do it all, but I don't think it's unreasonable to tell your Mum you will be going on {say} Sat, Sun, Tue and Thurs this week, so she might want to arrange for other visitors on Mon, Wed, Fri. OP has said she's recovering well after an operation - she's not in for the final few weeks of her life. I suspect she will need further support when she comes out. OP's not going to manage that if she's collapsing under the weight of everything herself now is she ?
So no, YANBU.

Original poster
marymary40 · 07/12/2012 22:49

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat -yes she has a mobile

Gosh = apostrophethesnowman - you sound like you have been through the mill. I just feel like although both my parents are both ill - neither is terminial. Which obviously is a good thing - it also means there is no end in sight, that sounds awful i know. I think I am just not a nice person.

OP posts:
longingforsomesleep · 07/12/2012 23:01

Mary - if you weren't a nice person you wouldn't be trying to go in every day and feeling guilty about everything. Nobody can really say what you should be doing as it's impossible for us to assess your situation. Easy for some posters to say you should go every day but everyone's personal circumstances are different, as is everyone's capacity to deal with stress and competing demands on their time and attention. My very elderly mum is on her own now (still living independently) and I visit her when I can, but feel permanently guilty about her. However much time I spent with her it would never be enough.

I think you are being pulled in too many directions - you feel guilty about your mum, your dad, your dh - and probably about your children if you're not there at bedtime. All this will be having an effect on you and you need to remember that you can only do so much and be a bit kinder to yourself. If you try and keep everyone happy you will make yourself ill and then everyone will have to fend for themselves!

Provided your mother isn't very old, frail, confused or terminal, it sounds like you need to be firmer with her. Maybe visit every other day and phone her a couple of times on the days you don't go?

apostrophethesnowman · 07/12/2012 23:03

marymary don't say you're not a nice person. If you personally are unhappy with the visiting every day, that's ok. Not everyone can cope with it. It doesn't make you bad.

I honestly was more concerned for you that you're not being supported enough by you DH. I thought he sounded selfish because he complained about having to put the children to bed every day.

If you want to cut down visiting that's fine, but do it because YOU want to do it, not because your DH is guilting you into it.

As I say, we're all different and have different levels of stress that we can cope with. Only you know your limits.

muttonjeffmum · 08/12/2012 17:44

I wish I still had my mum to visit..... sorry not very helpful.

cozietoesie · 08/12/2012 17:48

I must be very weird - I hate being visited in hospital but it's difficult to persuade people that you're not just being polite.

I'd take a day off at least, OP. It sounds as if it's all too much for you as a family.

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