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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to work...

34 replies

skiesmylimit · 07/12/2012 12:52

Ok, DH has really pissed me off, he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

He is meant to be finishing work at 2, he is on set shifts, they've asked him to stay till 6 as overtime. We have a 3 year old and a 7month old, I'm pissed off as I start a 12 hour night shift tonight at 7! Hed get in at 6.15. I'd have to leave for 6.45. I won't get any sleep.again. And he's also broke a promise to DS so he can stay at work. They have been planned to go swimming for a week, DS1 was really excited.

Now, he has also told me he's working 8-4 on sunday. I'm at work 7-7 on sunday. So now he's expecting me to sort a baby sitter out. I only take on shifts when I know he's home to have the kids. Now he's left me in a mess. Fucks sake why does he put work first all the time. The agreement was I go back to work on bank shifts so he doesn't have to do overtime.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 07/12/2012 12:57

Depends how he's been "asked" really. In a lot of workplaces the assumption will be they'll do the overtime/extra shift unless they have a really good reason not to. And whilst it sounds like it'll be difficult for you, it doesn't sound impossible (though I'd maybe get him to sort out the babysitter on Sunday :) )

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/12/2012 13:01

Why is it up to you to sort the childcare? You start before him and finish after him, and had your shift booked first, so he should sort the childcare.

You can't go to work with no sleep, surely he must see that?

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 07/12/2012 13:13

Its because over the past 2 weeks I've managed to go to work with no sleep, and no sleep the following day. Leaving me feeling absoluetly terrible but I got over it.

And as for sunday, he won't sort out childcare, never does!

He had the option to say no.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 07/12/2012 13:16

If you're continually going days without sleep I think you need to rethink your working pattern. Even if DH had come home straight after his planned shift, you would have only got 3-4 hours sleep.

MuddlingMackem · 07/12/2012 13:19

YANBU.

And for those saying he needs a good excuse to turn down the extra hours, er, surely childcare responsibilities is a good reason. Or is it only a good reason if it's a woman using it?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/12/2012 13:22

Well if you refuse to sort childcare and leave in time for your shift - then he'll have about an hour to sort something, won't he?

Jingleflobba · 07/12/2012 13:22

You are going to make yourself ill carrying on with no sleep for days. Counteract any arguments he might make calmly. DH needs to help you out more, yes more shifts would mean more money, always useful just before Christmas but having you in a state of utter exhaustion isn't exactly helpful.
The DC's need time with both parents, not just a knackered Mum, it's not fair on anybody.
If you do get ill through lack of rest he will have to take time off to care for DC's.
He has to learn to say no and sort childcare himself if he can't.
YANBU.

flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2012 13:23

YANBU.

And about Sunday, say it's up to him, if he wants to work fine, but as your shift was booked on the basis he will be there, he is in charge of sorting out childcare.

As you will be leaving for your shift first, he will have to sort it out unless he will otherwise leave the kids home alone, which I assume he will not do?

KatzGold · 07/12/2012 13:23

skies - what would happen on sunday if you didn't sort childcare, presumably you have to leave first, so just go, let him sort the mess out. He's prepared to do it to you so why not do it to him?

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 07/12/2012 13:24

Its bank work, I'm a care assistant so the shifts I'm offered, I take. Especially as their trying to cut down peoples hours. I will only ever take a shift on though if I know DH will be able to have the kids.

He does expect me to run on empty,a few nights that I worked, I had to have kids till 2 in the afternoon, when he got in from work. I went to bed and he woke me up after half an hour in bed.

What's getting me most is the deal was I go to work, so that he doesn't do overtime. Fair enough his job is more than double p/h than what I get, but we're not short of money. My wages are savings/things we want.

OP posts:
Fakebook · 07/12/2012 13:24

You're going to suffer exhaustion at this rate. Can he afford to decline overtime? Is it like this because of the Christmas rush? Maybe things wi calm down once Christmas is over.

sweetfluffybunnies · 07/12/2012 13:25

If you only went back to work so that he didn't need to do overtime, and he's still doing overtime, then maybe you should stop working!

Seriously, you need to sort this out now, because you can't go on like this for very long. Your health, your relationship,and your family will suffer.

Have a heart to heart with him and try to explain how you feel. If he can't or won't understand then I'm afraid you have a real problem on your hands.

CailinDana · 07/12/2012 13:27

Why why why did he wake you up after only half an hour in bed?!

DuelingFanjHoHoHo · 07/12/2012 13:27

tell him that you've decided to stop working as clearly it's not working out.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 07/12/2012 13:29

I have no idea what hed do if I didn't sort childcare, he wouldn't leave them.

He already said what about their nan, but I don't like them at her house. Can't go too indepth but there's no heating, and un hygienic.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 07/12/2012 13:30

Honestly. I work nights, my DP works days. I never sleep before a night shift. I do not sleep much in school hols. I do sleep fairly well the day between two of my night shifts. He is working to get money for the family. Give him a break.

Some0ne · 07/12/2012 13:32

If you only went back to work so that he didn't need to do overtime, and he's still doing overtime, then maybe you should stop working!
This. And you really do need to have a serious conversation with him about the fact that you physically can't function without sleep.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 07/12/2012 13:32

No the overtime he does now, will be in januarys pay. We are not short.

He's always been like this, he gets a lot of overtime in the summer months, and has regularly left me struggling because he can't(won't?) say no

OP posts:
OhDearNigel · 07/12/2012 13:35

What's getting me most is the deal was I go to work, so that he doesn't do overtime. Fair enough his job is more than double p/h than what I get, but we're not short of money. My wages are savings/things we want.

Well as he's doing overtime regardless I would just tell him that the next time he does overtime you will stop doing your shifts

earlyriser · 07/12/2012 13:35

Does he use overtime as an excuse not to look after the children? Does seem very coincidental overtime comes when you are working or during the summer holidays!

fatcuntroller · 07/12/2012 13:36

He needs to sort childcare for Sunday. And you need to tell him that if he can't committ to being there to look after his children when you are at work, you will have to give up work.

OhDearNigel · 07/12/2012 13:36

And trust me, I am in a very similar position where DH and I pass like ships in the night so I know exactly what you're going through.

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down unless you need the money to survive

Unlurked · 07/12/2012 13:36

From what you've said your husband sounds like a bit of a twat. I really think giving up your job would be a very bad idea. Giving up your husband might be a better one Wink.

OhDearNigel · 07/12/2012 13:37

He's always been like this, he gets a lot of overtime in the summer months, and has regularly left me struggling because he can't(won't?) say no

Have I been posting in my sleep again ? I feel like a single parent in the summer as DH is literally never at home

OhDearNigel · 07/12/2012 13:40

He is working to get money for the family. Give him a break.

This is complete garbage. OP has said that they don't need the money, it's spending/saving money.

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