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Original poster

To think that maybe marriage is more important than I thought?

73 replies

FeuDeSnowyRussie · 07/12/2012 10:09

I've always thought that buying a property together or having a child was a far bigger, more important commitment than getting married. And obviously, loads of people have long, successful relationships without being married, when neither partner is interested in marriage. BUT there seems to be so many people who have a child together and buy a house together, and then one of them wants to get married but the other drags their feet and they eventually decide they don't want to be together after all. It seems like marriage is the only commitment where you are actually committing to each other, not to a child or to a financial investment, and so maybe marriage is quite a good proof that both partners are committed to staying together.

I know this ignores the fact that a few people get married knowing its the wrong thing to do, and people do change and marriages break up. I'm just saying, I've only just realised that maybe I was wrong to think that children and property are proof of a commitment to the person you're doing them with.

OP posts:
chrismissymoomoomee · 07/12/2012 10:14

Tbh DH and I only got married because I was pregnant and we wanted to have the same last name and for him to have automatic PR. If we didn't have children then we wouldn't have married and would have been quite happy living together.

Marriage is really just a piece of paper the little things that DH does every day, the times he has supported me, the way he knows me better than anyone else ever could and the fact he is always there for me are all more of a commitment than a few words we said and a bit of paper we signed nearly 12 years ago that we could get revoked any time we like anyway.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 07/12/2012 10:15

I had exactly the same thought the other day. Marriage is a commitment to put the other person before everything and everyone else (obvious exceptions to that if they are an abusive waste of oxygen).

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 10:18

Marriage id a commitment you make to just to each other.

However I think kids are a bigger commitment in general. You can sell a house or get a divorce and never see the person again.

Bu having a child you are forever tied to that person. there is no 'out'.

DeafLeopard · 07/12/2012 10:22

"Marriage is really just a piece of paper" - I couldn't disagree more on this point.

Having seen a friend's sister be refused access to her DP in hospital / not allowed to make decisions about his funeral / evicted from her home and left penniless because she did not have the protection of marriage I would urge people who are committed to someone, to enshrine this in law.

DeafLeopard · 07/12/2012 10:23

Obviously what I said above ^^ is putting aside the love bit Xmas Blush I did marry DH because I loved him and wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together.

Original poster
FeuDeSnowyRussie · 07/12/2012 10:23

That's true brady. Having a child together is a more important commitment I that sense. But you haven't committed to be nice to the other person, just to the child!

OP posts:
DeafLeopard · 07/12/2012 10:24

Brady - yes having a child is a commitment, but there are lots of threads on the Lone Parents / Relationships board where one parent (usually the father) has walked away and out of their child's life.

bowerbird · 07/12/2012 10:27

It isn't just a piece of paper. It is a public declaration of love and commitment to another person.

People can have kids, split up and still be parents to them. Children are not (and never should be) glue for a relationship.

chrismissymoomoomee · 07/12/2012 10:29

That sounds absolutely awful Deaf

To be fair though if they had went to a solicitor beforehand there are things that could be put into place to prevent any of that from happening. It is easier to just get married though, but essentially its a (legal) piece of paper.

E320 · 07/12/2012 10:29

A very old friend of mine killed herself in the autumn, she had been in a long- term relationship (think 30 years or so) they had a daughter, now at university, my friend was suffering from depression & anxiety - as a fully-qualified educational psychologist! I often wonder if her depression & anxiety were caused by not being married to her partner.
I was not that bothered about marrying my husband, but he really wanted it & my step-son was so thrilled that we all had the same name, so I agreed. I was very upset when my husband died & it has taken me a long time to get over - there was an innate sense of security in being married, for both of us. I do have a "boyfriend" now, but we do not live together & are unlikely to get married, certainly not before he retires in 7 years' time (he will only be 55 then, though).

chrismissymoomoomee · 07/12/2012 10:30

I disagree bower A wedding is a public declaration of love, a marriage isn't.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 10:33

But you haven't committed to be nice to the other person, just to the child!

I disagree. By having a child together being nice to each other benefits the child.

bowerbird · 07/12/2012 10:34

Ok chris, I see your point but we're splitting hairs a bit. The fact is that a marriage (in the legal binding sense) is not a private arrangement between two people. It is a publicly acknowledged and legally protected by the state and wider society. The wedding is a declaration, a marriage is the recognition - both public.

WorraLorraTurkey · 07/12/2012 10:36

If marriage is just a piece of paper, then so is the human rights treaty...or anything else that gets recorded on a certificate.

Anyone who reduces it to 'paper status' really shouldn't be doing it anyway.

LRDtheFeministDude · 07/12/2012 10:36

I think it depends on you as a person.

Married people are a self-selecting group, on the whole - it's possible the people who choose to get married are those who're just generally more likely to stay together, rather than that the act of getting married has some kind of mysterious relationship-glue effect.

I don't know if 'important' is the right word, though (to me at any rate). I mean, my marriage is important to me, but people differ in how much they mind the idea of splitting up with a partner/being with one person for a very long time. There's nothing wrong with that.

I know a fair few people for whom having children was hugely important, but having a long-term relationship less so, and I think that's valid, isn't it?

The problem is when one or other partner is being selfish, and goes along with gestures that the other partner reads as committment, while not actually intending to commit at any point.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 10:38

Brady - yes having a child is a commitment, but there are lots of threads on the Lone Parents / Relationships board where one parent (usually the father) has walked away and out of their child's life

I know that. Bu you are still tied to them. They could turn up at any point and change your life and that of your kids.

You are still both connected.

sieglinde · 07/12/2012 10:41

Interesting, feministdude.

I have been married for 26 years. We didn't get married for religious reasons, though we are RC. We didn't have children until 11 years after we married.

Frankly, simply, we really loved each other, and we still do. It worries me a bit to see how complicated everyone makes this. I believe in undying love. I live it every day. I want to say that you all can. Don't try to be too clever about it.

amillionyears · 07/12/2012 10:42

marriage should be a complete team.

chrismissymoomoomee · 07/12/2012 10:46

The legal side of things I agree is important, although if you were opposed to marriage then there are other things that can be put into place to protect the other person.

I don't think it means that there is a bigger commitment though, if someone is going to cheat they will cheat whether they are married or not, if they are going to leave they will do it regardless, people get divorced all the time, so really its not that big a commitment in my eyes.

I am married and have been for 12 years but I'm not any more (or less) committed to DH than I was before we were married.

LRDtheFeministDude · 07/12/2012 10:46

Well, maybe I am trying to be too clever. I don't know.

But I don't believe in undying love - I love DH to bits and he loves me, and I do hope we'll be together forever, but I think love is a lot more varied than people make out.

I guess what makes me uncomfortable about discussing marriage or children being more of a committment is, what's wrong with someone's consistent love being for their child, but not for a partner?

bowerbird · 07/12/2012 10:47

Sieglinde that's so lovely to hear. Makes a change from people complaining about their spouses.

MrsMelons · 07/12/2012 10:47

I completely agree and have always felt that way. I wanted to commit to DH and he did to me. We had DCs first as it kind of just happened and they will mean we are tied together always due to them even if we weren't together but you are right it is not a commitment to each other as such.

Lots of people have children together and don't stay together or even want to be together in the first place.

I love being married to my DH but I hated being married to XH. We were only married 3 years and luckily didn't have DCs as I would not have wanted to ever see him again. I guess in that situation I never have to see him but if we weren't married and had DCs then I would but IMO having DCs together is still not the same as committing to someone because you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them.

bowerbird · 07/12/2012 10:49

LRD, not sure what you're asking here, could you clarify? Are you saying it's ok not to love your partner/spouse as long as you love your child?

LRDtheFeministDude · 07/12/2012 10:52

bower - sorry. I mean, I'm not very comfortable with the idea that there's a right way to value different forms of commitment. Some people have a child and don't intend to stay 'committed' to that child's other parent, and some people hope they'll stay with the child's other parent but don't place as much of a premium on that as others. That doesn't mean they're less committed to the child or any worse as a person, does it?

StuckOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 07/12/2012 10:52

I still feel that deciding to have a family together is the biggest commitment - we have talked and decided that we want a future together that is stable and loving enough to bring children up forever - as they never stop being your children and family. As neither of us are particularly bothered about marriage, we've gone down the route of kids first.
However, the legal side of things as we prepare for the family is starting to feel important, and for that reason I am starting to think I do want marriage. Not for the declaration of love forever element, I feel we've already made that but for the legal aspects of protecting each other and our kids. I now have a romantic notion of going to a registry office when the little one is walking with just our parents and getting hitched!