to not want to take my child here.

[CreamOfTomatoSoup]

My DH's uncles, aunts and a whole branch of his family live abroad. They live in a country where the middle classes have guards around their houses, security gates on their bedrooms and live in fear of kidnappings, car jackings and armed robberies. It's also on the equator, so it's pretty warm.

These in laws are lovely people and they are so hospitable and welcoming. We went to visit them a few years ago and since DS (7mo) was born they've been going on about how they can't wait for us to bring him to see them. It's a family tradition to go for Christmas every few years and spend it all together in their holiday cottage by the coast.

AIBU to not want to take DS for SEVERAL years because:

1. The security risk. I would think that the kind of crimes they are worried about, ie kidnapping for ransom, would be easier to do if you just snatched a little one.
2. The heat, neither I nor my baby cope with the heat very well.
3. The sun. I'm VERY white and missed a spot with the suncream when I was there and it was agony. DS is mixed race but seems quite pale. The idea of having to make sure he's constantly smeared in suncream/hats/56 tshirts seems like hell.
4. The tummy upsets. I got a nasty one last time we visited, it was very uncomfortable. The nearest hospital to the holiday cottage is at least an hours drive away on bad roads and I'm not sure the quality of the hospitals is particularly great.

The family are all more than welcome to stay with us (and can afford flights), I just don't think I want to take a small child out there. I feel under pressure to do so though. Every time we speak to them they mention it. This makes me feel quite guilty. I don't want to be seen as a bitch who wants to keep DS and DH from seeing them.
AIBU? WWYD?

YANBU. I love travelling but I wouldn't want to go somewhere where there are armed guards outside of my house.

Hard to say without knowing the specific country. If you said Afghanistan, I'd say no. If you said South Africa, then perhaps I'd say yes.

Is it South Africa?

YABU. Ask her how many babies have been kidnapped lately?
It's only for a short time - don't spoil everyone's fun. If you don't like the heat/sun, just stay inside.

I think YAB a bit U.

Many up about the heat and stay in the shade or indoors when it's hottest. Get your baby one of those long sleeve sun suits and a hat to minimise suncream requirements. Tummy bug? You can pick that up in England!

Kidnap risk is hard to assess without you telling us where but if you jaw guards then I would have thought that an easier target / more important target would be gone for.

YANBU. The thought makes you uncomfortable at the moment. I wouldn't be happy either. You're the mum, its your call. Just be kind, as they clearly mean well.

I'd be concerned and I hate travelling anyway so would feel very uncomfortable going to a place like you describe.

However, I think when you became part of a family that lives there, you kind of owe it to your DH to make the effort a bit - does he know how you feel about it?

Or could he take the kids on his own?

Spoil their fun , yes worrying over her child's life is such a bore....

YANBU we want to take the DDs to pil home country but are waiting until they are bigger due to security and medical treatment availability.

I don't think YABU not to want to go, I think you ought to go.

I think traveling us part of the deal for marrying someone from another country.

His family deserve to see the baby while it's still a baby and they deserve the right to entertain you in their homes. Also if you go to them, I guess you will see extended family and friends who wouldn't travel here.

Your DH probably misses home a bit, even if he says he doesn't.

Small babies are far far easier than to take to child free houses than pre-verbal toddlers who look for accidents to have.

Go this year and go when you have a 3-4 y who is beginning to understand no and is likely to enjoy the adventure.

Aha I missed the equator bit, but was just thinking of 2 countries where people would live with armed guards and where it can be hot where one I would go to and one I would not go to. Can't be Afghanistan either as it's cold at Christmas!

I'd read the FCO advice on travel, maybe search out a forum for that country where you could ask families how easy it is for their families to travel there and what it's like.

Columbia?

I'd go, stay indoors during the midday heat & have a lovely time. It's not expected every year & it's natural your DHs family want to meet your baby.

I think while your DCs are babies, it sounds like it will be hellish for you. When they are a little older it might be better. Could you invite them all to you to experience an "English Christmas"?

you also have to remember that what you think of as insanely dangerous is their 'normal' - they probably don't register how odd it is to need security guards because everyone does and that's just how life is. Have you talked to your DH about your fears? Now that he's away from it and sees what your view of "normal risk" is compared to his childhood, does he see your point or does he still see it through the eyes of a 'local' that it's perfectly reasonable to live that way?

I kind of think YANBU, I couldn't be persuaded to leave the country until youngest DC was 2 and then it was only to go to a Mediterranean country in Spring so it wasn't too hot, where English is widely spoken and I have relatives who could be called on in case of emergency!

If you are not going to be able to relax you'll have a horrendous time and no one will enjoy it. Just invite them to visit you.

My friend has a similar situation with her in-laws in Nigeria and just says no. Her Nigerian husband backs her up. Even when he goes alone he has to pay for protection. It just ain't worth the risk and they come here to visit instead.

Maybe a little unreasonable. I had a similar experience with DH's family who live in SA. I was really dreading the visit (mainly because of flight and disruption to routine), but was very pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed myself. DD was 10 months. The sun wasn't especially a problem, it was fairly easy to stay in the shade (I have pale Irish skin). And it was lovely to be spoiled and not worry

YANBU. My dad spends a lot of time in a country which sounds similar with his partner (who is from there). He is talking about living there, there is no way i hell I would take the children there. Its more difficult as they are your DHs family but the kidnappings alone would put me off tbh.

I have a friend in a very similar position, and even her dh agrees that his home country (Nepal) is not safe enough for small children. That surprised me, but presumably her dh knows his own country.

I think YANBU. I wouldn't go myself, let alone bring my children, to anywhere where armed guards are needed. The sun/tummy bug I think isn't much of an issue, the kidnapping thing, no way if Hell froze over. Invite them over for a traditional English Christmas and play up the fact that its likely to snow this year? I get that its hard, I'd feel horrible but wouldn't be able to stomach the risk to my child.

You've not said what your DH thinks?

DH is fine with it. He sees why I don't want to go.

Startail- DH doesn't miss home because he was born here. He hates the security there.

His family are obsessed with security. You can't walk around the capital city, you always drive because of these risks. It only struck me when DS was born that you have to be even more careful with a baby/toddler running everywhere.

Also, keeping out of the sun at the hottest times is difficult because you can get burnt from about 9am to 3pm and staying out of the sun means you have nothing to do apart from monopoly!

YANBU. They can hardly claim it's safe when they're all going round with security. And as British visitors you would be more of a target for kidnapping as you will be assumed to be well-off.

My guess is Nigeria. Hot, Christian and dangerous!

And Muslim too I know. But they don't celebrate Christmas.

I don't think YABU, I'd feel the same as you do. I have a friend who has relatives in Guatemala (dh's side.) So they spend time there with their small dc. I'd be terrified.

Columbia?