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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for my friend to have a party!?

84 replies

charlmarascoxo · 06/12/2012 19:16

Good friend of mine is having her first dc in less than 2 months. She has two older sisters who have decided to throw her party/baby shower as a surprise.

One good friend (who is also invited, she is going to Godmother) has forwarded on to me a text saying that the sister is asking for donations towards the food and decorations for the shower.

I found it rude that I wasn't asked by the sister herself and that I'm expected to contribute too as it sounds like its compulsory. If its not paid before the party then we should give her the money when we get there (shes hosting it at her house).

We were told that we didn't have to bring gifts if we didn't want to, but obviously I am going to get her a gift.

She is a good friend and I want her to have a good baby shower but why should I and all the guests be expected to pay for it?

AIBU?

OP posts:
BOFingSanta · 06/12/2012 21:46

Really, is there any need to react so defensively? Not even defensive actually; more like aggressive.

Original poster
charlmarascoxo · 06/12/2012 21:49

stifnstav I don't see any advice being given by ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey to be fair.

OP posts:
LaCiccolina · 06/12/2012 21:52

If it makes u feel any better u haven't actually featured on my radar at all. Had no idea all those posts were the same person, much less that it was u.....

icclebabyjesusheave · 06/12/2012 21:54

grow up much? Xmas Confused is that a sentence?

They're having a do and wondered if you'd like to chip in. You're offended that it was a forwarded text and offended that you were asked to chip in.

I'm detecting a wee bit of pent up anger and aggression here. Would you like to talk?

LaCiccolina · 06/12/2012 21:56

Ohdearnigel if ur firm is US based/centric, then if guess no issue. If not, either show them friends/kardashians as theirs are right. If everyone's uk based u might judging by this thread, have an issue...

I'd just be clear what the donation buys up front. Might be different politics for an office....

OhDearNigel · 06/12/2012 21:59

i really don't get why baby showers attract so much rage. We have parties over here for all sorts of stupid stuff - engagements, hen parties, golden weddings, housewarmings, divorce, graduation. Yet the biggest thing, most life-changing thing that can ever happen to you doesn't deserve a bit of a knees up ? I find this really, truly odd.

If getting married deserves "one last night of freedom" then surely creating an entire new human deserves a few friends turning out for a couple of sandwiches and a party popper ?

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 06/12/2012 22:01

I wouldn't be best pleased to be suddenly asked to contribute cash unless it had been discussed in advance. I would happily take food, and usually do to any social gathering as I enjoy baking. I would also take a bottle of wine but would be miffed at someone asking for my cash when they are hosting an event unless it was something that had been agreed in advance.

So no YANBU

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 06/12/2012 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoHats · 06/12/2012 22:01

There is no way guests are going to consume £10 of food and drink each, that is outrageous! I would offer to take a bottle and some snacks but not hand over cash.

OhDearNigel · 06/12/2012 22:02

La Cicc - I think what I'll probably do is work out what we're going to eat and divide it up round those coming. Then I'll pay for drinks, decorations and sundries. We "do" parties in our office - we went to a conference yesterday as a unit and arranged a bring and share picnic lunch as no lunch was provided. We were the envy of the conference Wink

BOFingSanta · 06/12/2012 22:04

I think there was implied adviice in there actually: if this sort of thing happens all the time, perhaps it's time to consider the possibility that it's not them, it's you. If I attracted that much rage, rudeness and confrontation, I would start to examine whether I was doing something to provoke it, or at least wonder why I was surrounding myself with so many negative people. Is it possible you have self esteem issues, or a need for drama, or similar? It's worth at least considering.

OhDearNigel · 06/12/2012 22:04

I suppose it depends on whether the hostess is going all out and buying lots of balloons, party favours, personalised stationery etc in this stylee. If you look at baby shower stuff on pinterest Americans must splash some serious cash when hosting them.

If it's £10 for a curled up sarnie and glass of cheap cava you've been ripped off but if the hostess is doing a lovely meal, candy bar, small bar and paying for nice decor and games then I can easily see how the cost mounts up

OhDearNigel · 06/12/2012 22:06

TwoHats, I organise quite a lot of parties, both personal and for our Rotary club. You'd be surprised how easily costs mount up when you include everything

stifnstav · 06/12/2012 22:08

Is there not a chance that the sisters have sent the text to the godmother with the intention of those three putting in £30 for food and the godmother has got the wrong end of the stick and forwarded it?

suburbophobe · 06/12/2012 22:09

They wanted your wedding dress and now you are being commandeered (sp?) to go to a baby shower and pay for food/drink/present...?

Frankly, I wouldn't even give these people the time of day.

I will decide myself what and when/if I want to do something, thank you.

These people are not your friends.

festivelyfocussed · 06/12/2012 22:14

Fwiw if this is a good friend, in your position I would just have handed over the 10 quid and bought a pressie by now.
I don't see baby showers as grabby, just a way of celebrating a big life event with family/ friends.

Janeatthebarre · 06/12/2012 22:15

Artex What exactly is your problem? This is a forum for people to sound off about things that are bugging them. It's fun and a way of venting without upsetting people in real life. Why are you going back over OPs posts as if she's doing something wrong. She's using the forum for its given purpose.
Your posts sound a bit weird and stalkerish.

RudolphTheRedNosedGiraffe · 06/12/2012 22:18

I thought YABU until I read that they've actually asked for a specific amount of money, and a ridiculous amount at that, for drinks and nibbles at someone's house. If it was a request to "chip in a few pounds" I'd find that much easier to take, personally I'd rather bring food than money but it'd still seem reasonable. But £10 is way too much. I wonder if stifnstav is right and they didn't intend for the text to be sent to you.
But if it was me I'd do it anyway, for the sake of my friend and not creating bad feelings.

FivesGoldNorks · 06/12/2012 22:22

Lurks

Original poster
charlmarascoxo · 06/12/2012 22:44

suburbophobe I think you may have misunderstood, these are different people. One a friends sister and the other a work colleague. Neither of them I would consider to be a friend.

BOFingSanta I write a few posts and suddenly I have self-esteem issues. Really?

I think you should read what Janeatthebarre has said.

OP posts:
Original poster
charlmarascoxo · 06/12/2012 22:46

festivelyfocussed I never once stated that baby showers are 'grabby'

And I also stated right from the start that I am and was always going to buy her a gift. Regardless of having to contribute £10.

OP posts:
ellee · 06/12/2012 22:56

It's a bit weird though isn't it? I thought the purpose(ish) of a baby shower was to kit the new mum out with stuff for the baby? Here, the "hostess" is snaffling the contribution for the party food!

I think it's v off personally. Really crass to ask for money and then to ask by a forwarded text!

Are they that hard up?

BackforGood · 06/12/2012 22:59

Thing being, when the baby has arrived safely is when I would go round, admire said baby, see if there was anything I could do to support new Mum and generally make a fuss of her, and take a gift. If I have understood it correctly, these baby shower things happen when the new Mum is still a Mum to be. There's many that would say it is bad luck to have things in, before the baby is safely here. Personally, I'm not that superstitious (although have met many who are), but I actually like the chance to go round and meet the new baby and be able to offer my support as I take my gift once the baby is born

ellee · 06/12/2012 23:00

I think stif might be right actully, they're hardly asking everyone for £10! Must be a mistake.

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh · 06/12/2012 23:15

I helped organise a baby shower with 2 friends and we shared the cost. 4 of the non-contributing invitees turned up (after already going to the pub first), ate loads of our prepared food, didn't seem that arsed about games, or getting to know anyone they didn't already know, and then left after an hour ish... to go on a night out. I'd say the person organising the one you're going to wants a bit of cash as a deposit, to ensure you that if you do this kind of thing as above, then you've at least invested some effort into it.

Me and me organiser friends felt quite disappointed that they saw the event as a halfway house between pubs, just for the free food. If it's a reasonable amount, say up to £5, I would pay up. But if you really feel uncomfortable doing this (as they want £10), then why not offer to help out in some other way, like setting up on the night.

Some of the women at the shower I was at didn't even bring presents, which I think defeats the object of the term 'shower', but that's none of my business, they might be waiting until baby arrives.

I remember your wedding dress thread OP, you sure do hang out with some weirdos... do you really want to go to this party?