To not want DS' father's gf to have photos of ds on her fb

[guccigirl666]

She regularly uploads pictures of ds, including as her profile picture on occasion. I am not comfortable with this, I have only met her once (they have been together for 4 years) I don't know who is on her fb so I spoke to ex asking for her to take them off. He said he'd talk with her, but she didn't take them down.

After more discussion with ex the profile picture got changed (to her doing to Vs at camera, I guess aimed at me, charming) but other photos stayed up. I began to get angry that I had requested them taken down and whether she agreed or not she should have just bloody taken them down. So after huge effort I found how to report them to facebook and they removed them. However now she has blocked me so I have no idea if she is still uploading photos of ds (he is 4).

AIBU to not want her uploading photos of my ds? I am happy she loves ds and appreciate the effort she puts in with him but putting it into perspective, she see's him for 2 days a month and should surely respect my request for the removal of the photos?

I can answer this quickly from the perspective of a step-mum. DSS (4) comes to stay every other weekend and every Wednesday. I have never put photos of him on my FB (apart from once, and then with his dad's permission) and rarely mention him not because I don't think he's brilliant but because he isn't my son. If his mum (who I get on with very well) asked me to take photos down I would be narked for about 5 mins at having been reprimanded and then taken them down and not think about it again. He's not my son, I don't have the right to publicise pictures of him if either of his parents don't want me to. It's not really something I struggle with.

So, in short, YANBU

Yanbu if you don't want pics of your children on FB at all. I don't, and I won't be uploading any. It's not private enough, and I think it's something for the child to decide about when he/she is older. But even though I take your point about not knowing who the GP is friends with on FB, it would undermine your case a bit if you had pictures of your ds on your own profile. Do you really know every FB 'friend' of your own well enough to want them flicking through your family photo album?

YANBU. This is something that really bugs me, not just with my DS but when I see my friends uploading pics of step kids, the way I see it is its like they're showing them off and they have nothing to show off as the child isn't there.

My DS's dad's gf has only done it once and although I didn't particularly like it I wasn't too bothered because it was just the once and she never even mentions him on fb but if it was constant I think it would really bother me.

One of my friends has her profile pic of her, her DP and 2 DSD's, a nice little family pic, but every time I see it it makes me cringe. Their poor mother. He left her for this new girl and almost straight away they were playing happy families.

In 3 years of me being with DP I've never posted anything on fb about his kids, no pics, no mention of them. I don't really like their mum but I respect her enough to not go showing her kids off as though they are mine.

Hmm it is a tricky one - I am a SM (please don't judge me eekk) and I do upload picture of DSC on FB frequently my DSC are slightly older 12 and 8 and I am also friends with 12 on FB.

That said DH and I take DSC on all holidays and often the pictures are taken with my DS on them so it would limit my photos if I had to exclude one's of DSC. We also have EW access so am more involved I suppose than your Ex's GF and I am married and have been for 7 years to DH so have been part of DSC lives for ages.

I know it used to sometimes upset mom a bit if she saw pictures of me and DSC together on some of pictures but we are not friends on FB so she only saw these if she logged into DSD FB.

If he is 4 and they have been together 4 years was she involved in breakdown of your relationship? Are the picture inappropriate in any way? Do you just feel she is rubbing your nose in it?

Her response to your request was clearly childish but then I have acted childishly in past and you do not know how Ex ut the issue to her in first place. If she has blocked you then you are not likely to ever know now but if your son is part of her life then I would assume she would continue to do so on some level I am afraid

Yanbu, its equivalent to a babysitter putting photos online. She has no real parental input if its only every 2 weeks. Like you said its nice she cares about him, but she should respect your wishes. Having him as her display picture sounds like she's trying to pretend she plays mum role with him for attention really, bit strange.
if they're on ds's dads profile and she's tagged as she's in a photo with him then fair enough but otherwise not necessary.
Again maybe if it was 50/50 care its reasonable as they'd be a big part of each others lives, but they're not.

Is there any friends you have that know her who could check if photos are still on?

I don't out pictures of DD on FB so this would nark me. However, if you do, it's tough to argue that she is now part of your DC's life and if she wants to, it may be a good thing. Means she values your family.

The hardest part of being split from your DCs dad is accepting that someone else will be a big part of their life

You will have to let this go for your own sanity really

Depends if you put photos of him on there. If you do you're being unreasonable as you're making it about her and not your DS.

If you don't put photos up because you prefer it to be private then you are not being unreasonable.

If your ex gave permission to her then you also have no right to object either .

YANBU

I also think that if you have photos of your DC on your own fb profile that it undermines your position somewhat. If you can approach it from the point of view that anyone can see them/ upload them onto their own profiles then I think you have a case.

I do have photos of ds on my page, but I know all of my facebook friends and my page has maximum security - hers didn't. I have to admit it bothered me even more when I asked for them to be removed and she wouldn't - I didn't see her as having any right to refuse.

She also had constant status updates about ds, the one that made me feel sick was "Can't wait to see my boys" in reference to ex and my ds. She was involved in breakdown of relationship, but she didn't know I was looking at her profile so I don't think it was done to spite me, which is even worse.

I just don't understand how she is so concerned with ds when she see's him for 2 days a month. She has nieces and nephews who she see's far more but there's never a mention of them (ex has told me that they are very close).

Oh and they have no dc together as of yet, photo's that have been taken of family that ds is included in would be different - these are photos of her and ds, and ds alone with the occasional one of ex with ds.

I'm going to shout... STOP LOOKING AT HER PROFILE. Shouting over. Live well, move on and accept that if your ex doesn't want to deal with this, you can't.

I agree it depends whether you put pictures of your ds on there or not.

YANBU to not want his picture on FB, but YABU to think you can control what the other side of your child's family does with him. His father has as much say in this as you do.

My ex's new DP has put a couple of pictures of my dc on FB in the past, both times when my dc have been spending a week or weekend away with her and their Dad and her children. It doesn't bother me because we get on fine and it was nice to see what my dc were doing while they were away having a great time. I prefer pictures to be sent by text, as I do to show their Dad what they are doing when they're with me, but it's not that big a deal. No harm is going to come from it so its not a battle worth fighting.

They have been together 4 years - she is not a casual GF she is his partner and your childs acting 'step parent' - he is part of her life and she obviously feels that - hence the pictures

His father trusts her and you have to trust him - a picture on FB wont do your child any harm

My ex is still with the woman he left me for - 4 years next year - she has their pictures on her FB page as do her teenage daughters - because they are part of their lives whether I like it or not

You have to suck it up I think

I think you are being slightly unreasonable. She has been in your and her BF's sons life for 4 years - not just a few months. She doesn't see your child very often but your son knows her and they are a family.

The pictures and facebook comments were not done to spite you and if she has the permission of the father then that is good enough.

I think she has an interest in your son as she is his dad's girlfriend and a long-term one at that. Don't get me wrong, it must irk that she was involved in your break-up and I don't condone that at all. But that really must be kept separate to any dealings with your son.

It doesn't affect you and doesn't do your son any harm. It really isn't worth worrying about and it will only bother you if you keep looking at her profile!

I also think YABU. It is something you have no control over if your ex, her partner has said it's ok. It's better she has blocked you. You won't keep getting annoyed looking at her profile.

I don't put photos of my kids on FB because i think it is utterly babyish because I'm not into social media, but I have to say I'm a bit about some of these reactions. To all intents and purposes she is his stepmum, has been for 4 years, of course she has a parental relationship with him. And if EOW contact means "its equivalent to a babysitter putting photos online. She has no real parental input if its only every 2 weeks." then WTF should that amount be seen as standard contact for children with their other parent?

It wouldn't have bothered me if DD's stepmum had put pictures of them together on fb, she is a lovely woman who has given DD loads of support and love over the years. Fair enough, she wasn't the OW, (there were lots of them) but even so, maybe just a bit of getting over yourself might be an idea.

If she regularly uses fb, puts up pictures of events etc, what message does it give the child when there are no pictures of him?

They don't live together and never have. Last year, ex moved and they are now living at opposite ends of the country so although they have been together for 4 years I don't see how they are a family unit. They broke up briefly 6 months ago so I also am unsure as to the stability of their relationship. If they were living together, in a strong relationship with plans to marry etc maybe I'd see it differently. I don't know... Although it does seem I will just have to "suck it up"

Ok.. if she's been around for 4 years, she's a pretty stable part of his life (as opposed to being a new girlfriend) so I think you have to accept that this woman is part of your child's family and with that comes a whole load of emotional... floopiness.

I think her involvement in the breakdown of your relationship may be clouding your judgement a little bit, which is understandable. I have no lingering romantic feelings for my ex and get along well with his wife, but if I caught wind that one of his few and far between weekends with our son included seeing the woman he cheated on me with (one of his friends) I would still feel sick to my stomach at the thought of her being anywhere near my child. Maybe not an entirely rational feeling, but it is what it is. The difference with your situation is that this woman is an ongoing part of your life, so to some degree you need to work on accepting that and more importantly that she has a role in your son's life. Once you get your head around that, you may find you feel less strongly about the facebook photos and much less inclined to look at her profile.

On the whole, I think she IBVU to have not removed the photos when you asked, and I would apply that to any person, not just your ex's partner. My mum has lots of photos of my kids on her profile and if I asked her to remove any, I would hope that she would. It's pretty standard facebook etiquette to not post photos of someone else's child without their permission.

Ah, just seen the recent post about them splitting up. Disregard my entire point about her being a stable person in your child's life then!

you should be pleased that she obviously loves your child. Are you jealous?

does your ex have pics of your son on his FB page and do you know all his friends and his security settings?

I'm not jealous - ex treated me terribly and mutual friends have told me he's doing the same to her as he is to me. We were only together for 1 year when we were teenagers, since then I have grown up and changed - me and ex are 2 very differently people to who we were when we were 18. I have a DP who adores my ds and I (he doesn't upload photos of ds) and me and ex actually have an amicable relationship. He has been quite reasonable about the whole thing and has spoken with her, it is her who has refused to take them down.