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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I'm silly to be feeling miffed

44 replies

HappyAsEyeAm · 06/12/2012 15:19

This relates to something from last Christmas. I haven't been thinking about it all year, and stewing - honestly! I was miffed at the time, but I forgot about it, and now that I'm remembering, I'm miffed again.

DH and I got married early last year. All lovely, and a very happy time had by all. DFIL took some snaps of his own at the wedding, including one of DH and his two sisters. It is a really lovely photo, and DPIL have it as their screensaver.

As part of our Christmas present last year, DPIL gave a large framed copy of the photo to us. As I said, its a nice photo of DH and his sisters, and DH put it on the wall in the study.

Am I being silly to be miffed? It is a photo taken at our wedding, and I feel that it excludes me, as I am not in it. And it was given in a frame, not as a 'here's another photo for your album' type thing.

I am being silly, aren't I?

OP posts:
aPirateInaPearTree · 06/12/2012 15:23

i think they honestly see it as a lovely photo of their children, and wanted your dh to have it as a lovely memory of him with his sisters, on a special awaited day.x hth

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 06/12/2012 15:26

I think it's fairly normal. I have 7 siblings and at all of our weddings a photo was taken of just the 8 of us together. My mum would be quite miffed if she didn't get one.

NervousAt20 · 06/12/2012 15:28

I agree with aPirate

wanderingalbatross · 06/12/2012 15:29

Your FIL is probably just really chuffed that he took such a nice photo of his kids :) it's really hard to get all the 'correct' photos at a wedding as all the guests are catching up and bride and groom flitting all over the place!

NoTeaForMe · 06/12/2012 15:31

Do you normally have a good relationship with your in laws? The Christmas after my wedding I gave my Grandad a framed pic of me and him from the wedding-no groom to be seen. Should my husband be offended? Ridiculous!

StiffyByng · 06/12/2012 15:34

Ha! I can relate to this, in particular also the 'I'm being silly, aren't I?' bit. I loathe having my photo taken and am completely unphotogenic, so hate almost every photo of me in existence. NEVERTHELESS, my PiLs have pictures of my husband, stepkids, my daughter, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and nephews all over the place and not a single one of me. Mostly because I hide, because the framed ones we've given them don't have me in, and because we don't have many photo opportunities. But even so, I feel a bit left out when I'm there.

StiffyByng · 06/12/2012 15:35

Especially because there's a photo of his ex-wife even, in a group photo they obviously want to keep. So even SHE makes it!

VinegarTits · 06/12/2012 15:38

tbh i think its a bit odd, why didnt he give you a picture of you and your DH? or one of all the family with you in it? nice that they have a pictre of their children for them, but its not actually a gift for you is it? more of a gift for your dh with no thought for you, im not suprised your miffed

LRDtheFeministDude · 06/12/2012 15:38

Like NoTea, I wondered if there was a bit more to it than you've quite put your finger on in your OP?

I can sort of see where you're coming from, in that it's not exactly a gift for you since it doens't have you in. If you had a lovely, happy relationship with your inlaws, I would think this wouldn't bother you. But if not, or if you don't know them well, I can see it might be a little thoughtless.

You might send them a framed photo of the two of you, since they like wedding pictures, and that would give them the subtle hint that you are part of a new family now, as well as being the partner of one of their children. It's likely if they meant nothing by their photo, they will just be pleased, but you'll soon learn!

NoTeaForMe · 06/12/2012 15:40

The thing is vinegar they had both said what a lovely photo it is and it is of the OP's husband and his sisters, on his wedding day. I don't understand the problem at all.

VinegarTits · 06/12/2012 15:43

it might well be a lovely photo, but its not really a gift for her is it?

silvercup · 06/12/2012 15:46

YANBU.
If it was a present solely for your DH - then fine.

As it was a joint present though I think they could have chosen one that you were both in.

NoTeaForMe · 06/12/2012 15:48

Why? It has her husband and sister in laws in it! The photo was given to her and her husband not just her.

LRDtheFeministDude · 06/12/2012 15:48

I'm with vinegar. It's not a gift for her really. My parents keep telling me the 'stand out' photo from my wedding is one of my brother and the 'best bit' was seeing him dance with my SIL after we'd gone, so I can sympathize with the OP!

I'm sure the PIL are quite genuine in thinking their children all look lovely together, and that is very sweet. But I think they should also be making some effort to welcome their new DIL into their lives, and this is a bit dodgy in that context.

Mrsjay · 06/12/2012 15:48

I think it is alovely present for maybe your husbands birthday but not as a joint christmas present thats a little strange you were not even in it, id have been miffed too ,

NoTeaForMe · 06/12/2012 15:50

Clearly I'm in the minority here.

still think there's other issues between the OP and her in laws

LRDtheFeministDude · 06/12/2012 15:51

No, I think that too tea.

Original poster
HappyAsEyeAm · 06/12/2012 15:51

I feel that I should say that it was one of a few gifts and the others were very much for us both and were lovely. I think I might be making too much of this, but it did make me feel excluded.

I have no issue whatsoever with the photo of the three of them being DPIL's screen saver. They were their three children. But giving the photo to us, n a big size, framed, for us to obviously put on our wall, as a Christmas present, when the photo was taken at our wedding, was an action that made me feel not 100% welcome and I did feel excluded.

But I completely accept that I may be being over-sensitive. As I said I feel miffed, rather than irate or sad or whatever. Probably need to get more of a grip.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 06/12/2012 15:51

errr because she is not in it, it was her wedding day and she gets a gift of him and his sisters Hmm nah i would be miffed too, and im sticking with my opinion thanks

user12785 · 06/12/2012 15:52

My MIL was given the the book of proofs of our wedding photos, so she could choose one to have framed. She chose one of my DH & my SIL Hmm I was miffed for years!

thefirstmrsrochester · 06/12/2012 15:53

Know where you are coming from op. At PILs ruby anniversary party they insisted on 'siblings only' professional shots. Fair enough. Till the pics came - DH, all 3 SILs 'avec' their own DHs, moi, wasn't asked to be part of it Xmas Hmm
PILs are ridiculous and the very definition of passive aggressive so there was must certainly were making a point of leaving me out.
Hurt at the time, now I don't care.

Mrsjay · 06/12/2012 15:53

But I completely accept that I may be being over-sensitive. As I said I feel miffed, rather than irate or sad or whatever. Probably need to get more of a grip.

I dont think you were being over sensitive id be pissed off too,

user12785 · 06/12/2012 15:55

Oh yes, and she has been known to ask me to move out of shot when she's taking a photo, so that it "has just family in it"... Believe or not, we do get on usually, she just doesn't engage brain sometimes!

AbigailAdams · 06/12/2012 15:57

YANBU.

Mrsjay · 06/12/2012 15:57

MY mother inlaw shoved me out of a picture at BIls wedding I am only half in a 'family picture' yet dd1 was right in the middle Shock my Mil was weird though

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