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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have begged and pleaded and heard nothing.

32 replies

CanAnyoneHearMe · 05/12/2012 20:55

My Fiancé ended our 3 year relationship, I have a 14 month old DS and I found out 2 days after him walking out that I am pregnant.

I want him back, Plain and simple. I text him throughout the day pleading him to give us a chance and he doesn't reply.

We are meeting this weekend so he can see DS and I have said that I want to talk to him when we meet, He said that he won't change his mind.

I wrote a 5 page letter, Pouring my heart out to let him know how I feel as he walked out and didn't give me a chance to say anything.

I keep texting him and I can't help it, He left because he said that he had fallen out of love with me because I wasn't the girl he met (Have PND, Panic attacks and Anxiety, Which I am having talking therapy for. I had one session before he walked out) I understand it has been hard to live with me as I haven't been myself because of it but I am totally heartbroken and completely devastated.

It has been 1 week today, I need him, I want him and I cannot deal with life without him.

What should I do?

Sorry but AIBU has more traffic and I feel so alone right now. Confused

OP posts:
honeytea · 05/12/2012 20:58

I'm sorry you are going through this :(

Were you planning this pregnancy? surely he knew his feelings had changed a month ago but he was still having unprotected sex with you?

hugs

TandB · 05/12/2012 21:00

You've posted about this before, haven't you?

You poor thing. You need some real-life support asap. Can you have some extra counselling sessions? Speak to your GP?

It's only been a week - things will gradually start to improve, but the first step is probably to stop begging him to come back. It sounds very much as though that is not going to happen and you aren't even going to be able to start the healing process while you are still in denial. Do you have a family member who can come and stay with you and perhaps keep your phone for you so that you can't keep texting him?

McChristmasPants2012 · 05/12/2012 21:01

hugs to you.

i am sorry to say but there is nothing you can do, perhaps you could try being friends and then build on that.

mrskeithrichards · 05/12/2012 21:02

Oh honey I'm so sorry.

I think it'll transpire that this is for the best in the long run. If he can't stand beside you through shit times he's not a man you want to share your life with. But that means Jack shit right now.

squeakytoy · 05/12/2012 21:02

I am really sorry. It is a horrible feeling but you cant change someones mind once they have made it up, and as harsh as this sounds, the best way to win them back if there is any chance at all, is to look as if you dont give a shit about them. All the time that they know you are desperate for them to come back, they know their options are open and can leave you dangling there. Dont give him that power.

Original poster
CanAnyoneHearMe · 05/12/2012 21:03

The pregnancy was very much wanted, It was a shock when he walked out to say the least.

I am devastated, I have had no sleep, I have cried everyday. I am finding daily life a struggle and I just am generally heartbroken. Confused

I had my life planned with our babies as a family.

How do I get him back?
I would do anything.

OP posts:
EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 05/12/2012 21:03

I'm sorry. This is very hard for you.
You can't make him love you. As devastating as this is you can't change it.

Do you have support from your family? I know this feels like the end of your world but he isn't the man for you if he can walk out on you and his young baby.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 05/12/2012 21:04

I'm very sorry you're in this position. You must feel desperately frightened and bewildered, not to mention hurt.

He sounds like he has been less than understanding towards your situation after having your ds. He also, I'm afraid, sounds as if his mind is made up. Begging and pleading is not going to make him change his mind and is only going to injure your dignity. Please try to stop texting him.

Who do you have around you in RL to support you? Parents, siblings, friends? Try and talk to someone and allow them to look after you and your ds a bit. And take care of yourself - eat well, sleep if you can, get fresh air. Talk to your therapist.

The pain is terrible now but it will subside.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2012 21:05

I am really sorry, love. He has another woman, I would bet my house on it. You have to accept it is over. Please stop begging, please stop pleading.

You are diminishing yourself. Don't give him any more chances to make you do that.

You are a mother and your dc need you. You do not need a man, especially such a feckless and selfish one, this much.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2012 21:07

If you start to feel very low, please call The Samaritans and talk to someone

No man should have the power to make you feel like this. Take it back, take it all back. You can do it.

fromparistoberlin · 05/12/2012 21:07

poor you...

keep on with the therapy, and ... oh I dont know

I hope he comes back, but I dont know enough

get help and support, and good luck

could not read and not send you my best wishes

fromparistoberlin · 05/12/2012 21:07

aw anyfucker

you are always there, bless you

HollyBerryBush · 05/12/2012 21:08

You may love him and want him - but he has chosen an alternate path. We all have paths to tread, you cannot make him love you and want you by return.

You must be strong for yourself and your children.

Mind you, you havent said why he walked out.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 05/12/2012 21:08

I agree AF but didn't want to say it.

Men don't just leave. There is always a reason. Not always another woman but I'm betting the % is high.

honeytea · 05/12/2012 21:10

Is there something that might have happened to make him change his mind vey recently? Does he know your pregnant? I think that he at least owes it to you and your DC to be a everyday practical help to you and your DC. Also I think he has some emotional responsibility to support you especially whilst you are pregnant. It sounds like he is very decided on wanting to end the relationship but I hope he steps up supports you.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 05/12/2012 21:10

What happened to your other thread?? You had a lot of support there x

PowerPants · 05/12/2012 21:12

squeaky is right. Don't plead, just do radio silence. Stop giving him all the power.

I know how hard it is and I am very very sorry for you Sad

scottishmummy · 05/12/2012 21:13

prioritize yourself,let gp and therapist know situation
don't beg him back,if he doesn't want to return you can't compel him
you need all your friends,not a man who left you. it's all about you and the kids.not him

Snapespeare · 05/12/2012 21:16

You don't actually 'need' him you know. But your DS needs you. Why would you want to be with a man who treats you like this? Stop thinking so little of yourself that you are begging this man to be involved in your life.

We all have our lives planned out and then something happens and it goes shit shaped and we all have a period of hopelessness where we don't know what is going on. It's like the stages of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression acceptance. Those get a bit jumbled up sometimes and you may feel the first four similtaneously, but you'll get to acceptance... & I can tell you now your life will be brilliant and you will be amazing.

TeaAndTinselMakeChristmasShine · 05/12/2012 21:18

It isn't because of you that he left sweetheart. Whatever he's telling you now isn't the full truth. No-one goes from one month actively trying to expand their family to just upping and leaving without an external reason. Unfortunately, either another woman, or the thought that another might be a very real opportunity.

It wasn't PND or anxiety that made him go. He chose to go.

Who have you told in RL?

How are your children?

PropertyNightmare · 05/12/2012 21:19

I Agree that you cannot make someone love you, it's a fools game to try. Of course that doesn't stop it hurting like a bastard right now. AF's advice is correct, as hard as it may feel you have to pick yourself off the floor and make yourself strong. You don't want him back; the fact he can do this to you when you are newly pregnant tells you that this man is not worth having. It might sound harsh but you need to accept that he is not the person that you thought he was and for whatever reason you are no longer right for each other.
I am sorry that you are facing such turmoil. Try your best to focus on getting through today; then do the same again tomorrow. Concentrate on yourself and your child. You child needs you. Things will get better.

usualsuspect3 · 05/12/2012 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forbiddenfruit85 · 05/12/2012 21:32

STOP

I hate to say this, but begging and pleading for him to come back is NEVER going to work, it will only push him away further.

Take time to focus on yourself, address what problems you feel you have.

Keep contact to a minimum.

If he comes back now all the old problems will still be there. By focusing on yourself you will find that in time he will either want to come back or he won't and by that time you will have moved on.

Focus on you and your children.

EdithWeston · 05/12/2012 21:36

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You do need to stop texting. It won't produce the results you want.

Your first priority now is yourself and your DC. Caring for your DS will give you some structure for your days, even if you feel on autopilot. And your unborn DC needs you too: you must eat, and get what sleep you can.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to, and who might help you with the admin of daily life?

You do need to think about protecting yourself and your DC through this crisis. Is the roof over your head secure? Do you have an income? You do not need to assume any particular outcome, but you do need to sort out the basic family needs.

Then you need time to regroup, recover your strength and think about what this means and where it could lead.

You can only work on a reconciliation if he is working on it too. What do you need to find out from him at the weekend? Write down every thought as it occurs to you, but don't send the full version to him. Work out the key questions (maybe his reasons and his intentions). Muster your strength to be as controlled as you can be. Do not plead and beg. Present yourself as competent and coping (even if you're not). Perhaps tell him that you cannot make major decisions in the immediate aftermath of his dropping a bombshell.

Agree a schedule for when he sees DS, and state your financial and other practical needs. Secure those needs and you gain time to think.

The initial fog of the shock may take several weeks to lift. Try to avoid committing yourself, or boxing him, into any particular course of action in the short term.

And truly the best way to present yourself to him is as the one in control, and the one he'd be a fool to leave.

SpoonyFuckersWife · 05/12/2012 21:38

AF is spot on and beat me to it. He's met someone else, probably a while ago now. You don't need such a disgusting excuse for a man, who would abandon his wife and child while ttc.

I wish you peace, that will come with time x