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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp expects me to be late for work so that he doesn't have to get sweaty! Grrrr.

27 replies

Moominguru · 05/12/2012 18:12

A quick bit of background first - DP is generally pretty decent chap. Mostly pulls his weight and is great with our DS. He is a part time SAHD. I have a full time job and earn most of our money/pay most of the bills. When I had DS he agreed to be a SAHD, as he was only doing casual work anyway. Once DS was born and was a few months old he got offered a new job - still casual, but better than his old job and with potentially good prospects for him. Most of the work is evenings and weekends but he does sometimes have to work during the day so we found a brilliant, flexible childminder that we all love. However, she does not like to work before 8am (has quite a few of her own kids and doesn't need the extra hassle of getting them ready with mindees in tow I guess!), which is totally fair enough. I don't normally start work until 9am so it's usually fine anyway.

However, every Wednesday I have to attend a whole staff meeting at work, with all out senior managers from 8.20am. This is part of my contracted hours. It takes at least 20 mins and often more like 30 mins to drive from childminders to my workplace, therefore as I can't drop DS off before 8am I will probably end up being late for work if I have drop him off on a Wednesday morning. Today is the first Wednesday that DP has had to work, so this has never been an issue before. He was starting work at 9am today. Childminder's house is a 10 minute walk up a hill from our house, then his work is 15 minute bus ride from there. We were all up in plenty of time. At 7.30am DP announces that he is not willing to drop DS at childminders because "pushing him up the hill (in pushchair - he's 1) will make him sweaty, and he will doesn't want to be sweaty and stinky all day at work". After a brief discussion of this I realised we were just both getting cross and time was being wasted, so in a huff I agreed to drop him off. Therefore I end up dropping him off, which did indeed make me 10 mins late for work. Grrrr.

I have been seething about this all day. I do feel a bit bad as DP has been working some very long days recently and he is working 9am - 10pm today in a fairly physical job, but I just don't think it's fair to expect me to be late for work (and look bad walking in late in front of my bosses) just because he can't be bothered to push the pushchair up the hill and get in a bit of a sweat!

AIBU?

OP posts:
nocake · 05/12/2012 18:15

Send him off to the gym. If a 10 minute walk makes him sweaty then he's terribly unfit.

scarletforya · 05/12/2012 18:15

If he's working a physical job surely he gets sweaty anyway? Confused

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 05/12/2012 18:16

I think neither of you are.

If pushed I would side more with you. But it actually sounds like you are both stressed and knackered.

Wanttowrite · 05/12/2012 18:16

Take it in turns when you both work on a Wednesday? So his turn next time it happens. . .

Dramajustfollowsme · 05/12/2012 18:17

If his job is physical, is he not going to get sweaty anyway? Confused I think in future, he should drop him off. If he is concerned he could take a change of top and some deodorant. Grin
Not fair that you end up late when avoidable. If this became a regular thing you could get in trouble.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 05/12/2012 18:17

If he cant walk 10 minutes up hill without getting sweaty, he needs the walk desperately!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 05/12/2012 18:18

So hes doing physical work all day but walking up a hill will make him sweaty?

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 05/12/2012 18:18

Sorry are you in the UK, how will he get sweaty taking a 10 minute journey on foot in December? At what mammoth speed does he usually pilot the pushchair? Is your DS a very well-nourished child aged 1?

YANBU!

LaCiccolina · 05/12/2012 18:18

Well u can't do this every week can u?

U r nbu to say "u really peed me off this morning for deciding so late u needed a lift" which seems to be what actually annoyed u.

U r nbu to start a conversation along the lines of I can't do this every week, what are we going to do? Can he go in a jumper then change to a shirt? (Kids only 1 ffs). Just know he might not like it and have a plan b....

He was an arse, but u didn't need me for that one!

takataka · 05/12/2012 18:21

there is no way you should be 10 miutes late for work, if he can do it and not be late.

May be get up earlier, so he can walk at a more leisurely pace and not get sweaty?

there has to be more to this? no normal person would expect you to be late, so they can avoid a 10 minute walk? Confused

Narked · 05/12/2012 18:21

Drop them both a few houses down from the childminder at 7:40am. Your DP can loiter for 20 minutes.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/12/2012 18:23

How ridiculous for him to not walk 10 minutes!

If he left ten minutes earlier then he could walk slowly and therefore not sweat at all...

Narked · 05/12/2012 18:23

If it's actually about sweat and not just that he can't be arsed and wants you to do it, then ^ that will work for him.

Rwep · 05/12/2012 18:30

Could the childminder be persuaded to start 10 mins early on a Weds for an appropriate bonus?

That said, I don't understand you OH's POV. He can leave earlier, take his time and not get sweaty if he wants, but if he's working in a physical job anyway, why does it matter so much? Or what everyone else said!

Original poster
Moominguru · 05/12/2012 18:30

I think part of what made me so annoyed was that I also thought "but you're going to be lifting and pushing boxes around all day anyway!", but he does only have a thick coat, it is a steep hill and he's just one of those people that overheats quickly I suppose (and DS is a chubby little chap - but as you say, he's still only 1!). I suspect it was more a laziness issue - he was out until midnight last night & he perhaps just didn't fancy it because he was a bit tired.

Anyway - he's just called in his break and been very apologetic. Said he didn't realise it was Wednesdays that I started early and had assumed I would take DS, so wasn't thinking he had to do it and wasn't prepared. So I suppose we should have just had a proper conversation about it last night and sorted it rather than both assuming the other was doing the drop off! DS has been ill over the weekend so we are both a bit knackered.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/12/2012 18:31

Rwep - why should the childminder disrupt her morning because the OP's DH is too lazy to walk up a hill?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 05/12/2012 18:32

Narked - well done you. My brain is too tired to have come up with that today!

Op - if he's doing a manual job all day, does it actually matter if he gets a bit hot & sweaty before he goes?

Also, where the hell does he get off deciding he 'isn't willing to do this'? Why are you the default parent? What would have happened if you had walked out and said 'Tough, it's not negotiable'?

hatesponge · 05/12/2012 18:33

Sorry but this is bollocks, he can't walk 10 minutes without getting sweaty Hmm

Seems to me that's just a pathetic excuse because he clearly feels having to drop DC off on a day when he is working is beneath him.

FFS when my DC were little I had to do a 30 minute walk to our childminder pushing a buggy with a 1.5 year old and a 4 year old balanced on the back (in the days before buggyboards!) then walk 10 mins back to the bus stop for a 45 minute bus ride to work! I have absolutely no sympathy and to put it bluntly he needs to man up.

Also I don't think it gives the right impression to your employers that you've made yourself late simply to accommodate your DP, especially given the level of the meeting.

In your position I would flat out refuse to do it again, you are the main breadwinner therefore your job is more important!

BrianButterfield · 05/12/2012 18:35

He's being a twat - I push a one year old in a pushchair for 20 minutes before work every day and manage not to stink at work.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 05/12/2012 18:36

Ok - another option (maybe) could DP take him to the childminders for 8, go home shower and then go to work from home instead?

I get hot quickly too - I was the only person in a t-shirt yesterday. A coat - I rarely take a coat anywhere - he can put his under the buggy.

How could he not realise it is Wednesdays you start early??? Has he not been looking after DS in the mornings??

Narked · 05/12/2012 18:36

Hopefully sorted then.

Casmama · 05/12/2012 18:38

If it happens again I would say that you can drop him and ds at the childminders at quarter to eight and he can then wait until 8 to go in- sweaty or cold, his choice.

Original poster
Moominguru · 05/12/2012 18:42

Thanks all - general consensus is I am not BU then. I think DP has realised this too given his apology. Neither of us are very good in the mornings and DP & DS often cuddle in bed in the mornings til after I leave for work, so I suppose I can forgive him for getting my early start day muddled up. Hopefully it won't be an issue again, but some useful advice and ideas from you all if it does.

OP posts:
Rwep · 05/12/2012 18:43

Aliibaba, I didn't say the childminder should , but if the money was right, she might want to. No expectation at all, just a possible solution

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 05/12/2012 18:51

Your household would go under if you lost your job.

You are the main wage earner, so you both need to focus on making sure you do your job as well as possible.

Making you late for work so he doesn't get a bit sweaty is so stupid and out of order I don't know how you aren't way more pissed off.

You have to be a special kind of useless twat to pull the "your little woman's job doesn't matter" shite if your partner is the one bringing home the bacon.

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