to get pissed off with friends who are always late?

[Ilovesunflowers]

I have a couple of friends who are always late when we arrange to do something. It is starting to piss me off. On Sunday, for example, one was 35 minutes late as she'd missed the bus (again!). I was stood out in the cold waiting so I ended up having to go into the restaurant and wait for her as it was freezing cold. I hate waiting in restaurants as I was taking up a table that someone else could have used.

Tonight I was doing another friend a favour. She was coming round for me to look at her essay. She's just text (40 minutes late) to say she hasn't finished it so she won't be coming. I could have stayed in the pub with another friend but came home early to help her out.

I am starting to get annoyed about it now. It's always the same two friends. They both come from a country that is more flexible about arrangements and are a bit more chilled about these things. Time doesn't really matter to them. AIBU to still be pissed off about this despite it being part of their culture?

I don't think Dozer - meant to be rude, but rather, to be nice! By suggesting you put yourself first sometimes. Don't always work your schedule around others, but let them work around you - especially when you're doing them a favour.

I feel your pain, I'm habitually punctual and get really antsy when I know I'm going to be late, since I know it will be inconveniencing people. That other people don't feel like this makes me think them quite selfish.

Which probably makes me a bit martyr-ish and in need of taking Dozer's advice myself.

I have friends that do this.

Our solution is to tell them we are meeting at a certain time say 8, and then turn up at say 8.30 ourselves. Always works, and they seem to think they're late when they turn up when you know they're not late, you just haven't sat there for half hour waiting or them

When I was young I had a friend who was chronically late and it used to make me feel angry and insignificant, Then I used to feel bad about being angry (self esteem anyone?)

It was just her though. She went for a job at the BBC and was an hour late for the interview. She didn't get the job - which isn't surprising as involved having responsibility for the pips.

After I had kids, I found it tricky to be on time. I read an article quite recently that really made sense to me. The theory is that late people don't perceive that they're late until much nearer the appointed time. Punctual people can work backwards more accurately and plan to be more timely.

And some people are just rude feckers.

I can't abide lateness either. So rude. My ex was late for everything and it used to get right up my nose. I made it very clear when DP was late to our second date that there was not to be a repeat. Fortunately it worked

I have a friend who used to drive me wild when she was young - she would always turn up but could be up to an hour late - and this was before mobile phones. She did it to everybody - now she's better as she has a big job. I don't think it was malicious it was just her - the adult her can understand how her behaviour was disrespectful.

I am glad we're still friends although many's the time I could have stomped off in a huff.

It's unusual to get a set of near-unanimous AIBU responses and still the OP feels the need to get shitty with someone.

Sunflowers - try re-reading Dozer 's comments and actually understanding them.

pimp - oh, I could have written that, do we know the same person?!

My mate would regularly turn up hours late. There would be frantic apologetic texts after the first half hour, lots of 'I'm just there! On the way!!'. The last time I saw her she turned up two hours late to her own birthday party, leaving me chatting awkwardly to a bloke I didn't know while the rest of her mates waited, equally awkwardly, in a different bit of the pub wondering where the heck she was (as she'd only texted me and I didn't know who the others were). It was ok when we were younger with loads of time on our hands but it's annoying now.

Funnily enough I've not seen her since. TBH, I am sneakily a bit glad, I was sick of feeling like a mug wasting my time.

Hate lateness. DH and I are terminally punctual. And it's catching; DD is the the grumpiest fecker in the morning and would rather lie in bed, but is she ever late for school? Never.

The only worse thing is people arriving early to your house. This has happened twice recently: Oooh, we got here early, so you don't mind, do you?"
Yes, I fecking do. Go down the road. Walk on the beach. I want to put my gameface on.

YANBU, I have a friend who is always late and totally disorganised, after a period of getting annoyed I now expect her to be late and tell her things start 30 mins before they actually do, I have also just chilled about who she is.

My chronically late friend was late for my wedding! Her excuse was that her DD (who is 1, not a newborn) needed changing just when they were leaving - but they were leaving her with the GP, not bringing her, so a) GP could have changed her and b) even if they were bringing her, for a wedding surely you leave so much extra time that this wouldn't have been a prob? She seems to think its a bit of an "in joke" that she's always late but actually everyone is getting really pissed off with her. I have tried to tell her that people are getting fed up but she really doesn't seem to connect the two things of her lateness with other people waiting around

DH is late for everything. He gets in the shower 5 mins before we need to leave, has to come back at least twice when he leaves the house for things he's forgotten etc.

When we were first married I'd say "phone, keys, lunch" as he left the house, now I'm too busy saying the same to DS. They are both dyslexic which is a contributory factor but it still drives me crazy.

If timing is important I lie to DH about the time we need to arrive. His sister is the same and I just add an hour onto her ETA. After 20 years I think it's chronic optimism on DH's part. One of his most frequent phrases is "It took longer than I thought it would." At 5 DD would say "Daddy says he'll be home at 7, that means 8 doesn't it Mummy"

Bugs the hell out of me. It's tedious.

I just turn up 10 mins late myself now as I know I'll still arrive before always late friend.

My friend done this a few weeks ago we were supposed to meet at 7 and i got a lift off my dp as he was dropping us in town.
I go over to her and shes just washed her hair,i was hopping mad i just havent been out with her since.
She is the type to meet at 12 but she would only leave her house at 12.
I was late once slept it out and she gave out to me for being late ,so i told her she is constantly late.Drives me nuts,

I have one 'friend' who is constantly late. When we meet up we frequently meet at a venue that is very near to her, and a longer journey for me, yet she still manages to be over half an hour late most times.

What works for me now, is to make sure that she is the one inconvenienced rather than me being inconvenienced waiting for her. The majority of the time now I will only meet her if there are other friends meeting us too. So if she is late, the rest of us are already settled with coffee, snacks, kids playing etc when she arrives, so she has to then sort herself out when she arrives. and miss out on chat whilst she is doing so. Or if we are having a meal somewhere, then I will just order as normal and won't wait for her to arrive before doing so.

The other thing I do, if I'm meeting her and no one else, and she is late, is still leave to go home at the planned time. So say we are meeting at 11 and I plan to leave to go home at 1pm, and she turns up at 12.15, I will still leave to go home at 1pm and when she arrives I usually say something like 'It's such a shame you were late, we have to leave at 1pm as we've been here since 11 so we won't really get much time to chat today'.

I accept I can't change her as a person and change her lateness habit, but doing those things makes me feel in control and less like a doormat for putting up with it. If I'm honest I am phasing her out now, as she does do other things too that are annoying and selfish.

I had a friend who was always an hour late with her family. There were three families that used to get together so we used to tell said friend to come an hour earlier than she was expected. It worked too.

YANBU. I agree with the mirroring. Be punctual with those who are and similarly late with those who aren't punctual.

Some people are just disorganised and their friendships are worth it. Some people are just rude and think everything revolves around them and that their time is somehow more important than yours. Get shot of the latter types.

Hmmm. I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow so will keep a check on the time she arrives. If she's going to be late though, she usually rings me on my mobile which is usually switched off because it's for emergencies and being late for lunch is not an emergency.

Yes I have a friend who is always late too, and I agree with MrsMangel that the best way to deal with it is to make arrangements whereby the late person is the one inconvenienced.

So if I arrange to meet my friend at the zoo, I go in without her and she has to find me; if we arrange to meet for coffee or a meal then I go ahead and order and still leave at the time I had planned to leave; if we arrange to meet at the cinema I just go in and start watching the film. I always just approach the event as if I am going by myself, and then it is a pleasant surprise if she turns up and I have some company.

She says that she can't be on time, but she manages to get to work on time (usually) so it really is just rudeness and disorganisation. She doesn't seem to be able to work sensibly backwards from the meeting time, so she will start getting ready half an hour before, even though it's a 40min bus journey away.

I found the recent long thread on lateness fascinating as I hate being kept waiting. One key thing that emerged that a number of the chronically late didn't consider themselves late until it was past the time they were due to meet. So if you are meeting at 2 and it is an hour to get there, I'd consider myself running late if I haven't left home by one, whereas many of the chronically late don't consider themselves late until 2, even if they're still sat at home at 1.50.

OP, did you tell the essay friend that you had come home from the pub specially as you were expecting them? If not, why are you protecting them from the consequences of their casual attitude to time?

I think one reason people are late/inconsiderate is because we are culturally hard wired to smooth things over, which means that we facilitate it.

I agree Quodlibet. People only 'can't help being late all the time' as everyone facilitates it and enables it. For me, a friend would have to have some extremely redeeming features before I would even consider tolerating a permanent lateness habit.

I do what nokids does. I've got a friend who i've known for over 30 years. I always add an hour on and then she's on time. Even when we were teenagers i used to be sitting watching Brookside with her mum whilst she titivated her eighties perm for forty minutes

One way of getting your message across if it constantly happens is just to go home. Then when they ask where you were just say you got really tired of waiting on your own.

The two most punctual people I know are my best friend and my husband. This is not coincidental.
I've also noticed that of people I've met since becoming a mother the astoundingly punctual are much better looking, better dressed, more intelligent and more successful. The sort you have girl-crushes on and want to be when you grow up. And the mother who was chronically late had an almost stereotypically uncool job and was always lurching from crisis to crisis in a sort of unwashed way. It turned this idea that it's somehow cool and loveable to be late on its head.
I don't subscribe to the arrive later yourself theory. I'm not going to come down to their level...