AIBU to tell the kid not to hit my child?

[Iggly]

DS is 3 and goes to preschool. When waiting to drop off, he likes to play with his friends outside.

However on occasion, one particular boy who's a bit older will hit and push ds in a jokey way although he doesn't like it (and tells me). Usually I just move him as don't want to cause trouble - I am friendly with his mum. I'm always a bit though as he does it a lot and she never stops him.

I was thinking that next time I'll tell the child to stop it. WIBU to do so? I'm worried that this might go on during preschool too so want it to stop.

Well I would tell him. Very clear,

"No, don't hit ds. He doesn't like it and we don't do that here."

If he persists you'll have to speak to the mother.

What have preschool said about it?

YANBU

In situations like this I always give the parent a chance to intervene if they do not then I will say something.

In my experience, many parents would consider it unacceptable for you to reprimand their child unless you are very longstanding friends. When I have been in similar situations to the one you describe, I tend to position myself between my child and the child who is trying to hit or kick them. This will usually defuse things.

if his mum's there and hasn't done anything, i think you want to be very affectionate in your dressing-down. massive smile and i'd say something like, 'stop pushing ds, johnny darling, he absolutely hates it, did you know that?' and then when he says he didn't know you say 'well now you do, you won't do it again, clever boy' etc.

i always think 'we don't do that here' etc makes the person sound like a total dick (apols onewithhair). they are just kids mucking around, it's just his mother's (and by extension his) definition of mucking around is broader than yours. and in any case 'here' is outside his nursery, where the shoving has been going on for yonks, so it's not even true. they do do that here, you just don't like it.

Yanbu they are 3 and not babies I would say something to him like please dont do that X doesn't like it and

If you're not long standing friends, it hardly matters if they don't like it.

I would say something, yes. Think I probably would have before now, TBH.

Don't overanalyse. I think people should go with their instincts a bit more. Just tell him "no, don't hit/push him, that's not nice" at a normal volume but using a firm voice and I would do a frowny face too. And teach your DS to do the same in case it happens again. If you see it happen again - "I told you not to do that." Hopefully that will be the end of it. Couldn't care less what the mum thinks, your DS is more important.

I would too.

I remember when my son was small and he went to an after school club and there was a rather boistrous (for want of another word) kid there. As I turned up one day I saw him kick my son.

I went over and told him that only mules kick and to keep his feet to himself.

3b I have done this and he still does it which is why I want to say something.

I've not spoken to preschool yet - that's my plan today.
I've told another kid off before st a party once but that felt awkward, however, it worked.

Judging by most responses I think I will say something - I hate seeing ds just stand there while the kid does it (I do diffuse it but need a more permanent solution)

again, 'that's not nice'... why make your child into a snot like that? there's no need at all. 'we don't do that', 'that's (you're) not nice'... these are really unpleasant things to say to someone. why cause more trouble, when this is evidently the first time the child has heard that his behaviour is causing a problem. give him a chance to be decent about it.

YANBU. I wouldn't have stood by and said nothing either. The child needs to know in a firm way that his behaviour is not acceptable. I've stood up for children who are not mine too in the past. Older kids pushing and shoving younger ones in soft play. Often it's out of excitement, not nastiness but they do need to be called up on it.

Also speak to the school. They need to have it brought to their attention, although I would be surprised if they don't already know. A warning shot across the bows is in order here. Let them know you have noticed, that it's not acceptable and they need to address the issue.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell the child not to hurt my child. Why wouldn't or shouldn't you.

Tough if the mother doesn't like it. She is standing there, it is not acceptable behaviour. I normally find parents who don't intervene normally don't mind if you do.

Fwiw I don't care if I sound like a dick saying "that's not nice" or if it hurts the other child/parents feelings as long as my child is not getting hit and kicked.

i'm not proposing standing around letting kids get knocked, though, am very pro-intervention personally. i don't even bother with this business of standing between kids, i pipe up straightaway. however, i try to bear in mind that (particularly if the mother isn't the sort to discipline) it might be the first time the thought has occurred to the thumpy kid that the other children might not like it.

you have to give them the chance to come to the right conclusion themselves, without shaming them. (especially if you suspect the kid is just a little shit, because embarrassing them is a sure-fire way to make them resent you and pick on your child more subtly).

I understand Aitch. I was going to just tell him please not to hit and leave it at that. Most kids aren't used to another random adult telling them to do or not do something. Hope thatll be enough

But if they are at pre-school it is very unlikely that this child is unaware that hitting is wrong...

you can tell a child not to do something without telling they are naughty it is easy to do

You need to either tell the child or tell the mother. It's OK to protect your child if it happens right in front of you. Don't just let the hitting continue. Your son needs to learn that it's OK to tell someone to stop hurting them.

teach your son to say stop too

I knew someone who perfected the death glare while sounding perfectly nice, it worked but you might find that simply stating your DS doesn't like getting hit loud enough for his mum gets the message across.

"WileyRoadRunner Tue 04-Dec-12 10:19:18

But if they are at pre-school it is very unlikely that this child is unaware that hitting is wrong..."

in this instance the actual MOTHER isn't telling him it's wrong, and she's his primary carer... it may not actually be wrong, as such, the OP says it's 'in a jokey way' so the kid might just have older sibs and be more used to rough and tumble. but the bottom line is that it is not being received jokily and the 'aggressor' needs to be made aware of that.

agree totally that we should teach our children to say stop if they don't like something, but do think that saying 'did you know x really hates it when you do that?' give the kid a get-out that 'do not hit' just doesn't.

Actually I don't think saying "we don't do that here" is so awful. If he's allowed to do that at home then he needs to know that it isn't acceptable elsewhere.

If that makes me sound like a dick then so be it but I'm not going to worry too much about embarrassing or confusing a child who is regularly hitting mine b

but that's ridiculously petty. he's a child.

you're an adult... you knowingly embarrassing or confusing him is infinitely worse than him bopping your kid.

i'm pretty gobsmacked at many of these answers, tbh. like mrsjay says, it's so easy to deal with this stuff without calling them naughty (or confusing or embarrassing them). i'm wondering if you're actually quite okay with being vindictive to a kid... because they started it?

No not at all. I wouldn't knowingly embarrass or confuse a child at all. That's not what I said.

However I still don't see what is wrong with telling a child that in this situation, at this time, we don't do it. I'd have thought it was perfectly clear. It doesn't have to be said in a nasty way. It can be quite gentle.

what's gained by the 'we', though? other than to vociferously judge in front of the mother? and you did say you, an adult, wouldn't be worried about upsetting a pre-schooler who'd upset your pre-schooler...

actually, the more i think about it, the 'we' is so silly. 'you' aren't hitting, he is. he's fine with it. if you're not, say so. but what you do or don't do is presumably of no interest to him.

which is why i think it's adult-speak for 'ffs boy's mother, will you do something?' but you're directing that through an uncomprehending child.