AIBU to tell the kid not to hit my child?

[Iggly]

DS is 3 and goes to preschool. When waiting to drop off, he likes to play with his friends outside.

However on occasion, one particular boy who's a bit older will hit and push ds in a jokey way although he doesn't like it (and tells me). Usually I just move him as don't want to cause trouble - I am friendly with his mum. I'm always a bit though as he does it a lot and she never stops him.

I was thinking that next time I'll tell the child to stop it. WIBU to do so? I'm worried that this might go on during preschool too so want it to stop.

Ok the 'we' is there so that the child doesn't feel singled out. It's meant to be inclusive.

And yes I confess that my main motive would be to get the child to stop as soon as possible. Especially if my child was upset and being hit. The upset of the other preschooler would not be my main concern.

I think my saying I wouldn't be worried was wrong on my part. It's also not true. It just meant that my first concern would be to my own child iyswim.

Tbh aitch I think you are projecting very adult emotions onto pre-schoolers.

There is nothing wrong with saying "do not do that", "we don't do that here" or "it is unacceptable to hit" or even "that's not very nice".

I do not believe a 3/4 year old would be upset, confused or humiliated by that. I think they would respond quite positively to a direct instruction.

Mollycoddling bad behaviour is what has made it so prevalent in schools/society.

i give three and four year olds a lot of credit for having quite complex emotions, yes. including confusion, shame etc.

tbh i think it's po-faced doublespeak such as is on this thread that causes a lot of problems. if we don't want to take it up with the mothers (which we don't, because we're scared of the trouble it might cause us) then i think we should use care in speaking to the children themselves, for the same reason.

your kid is going to be muuuuch happier tumbling into nursery school with an older kid who is not feeling like he's just been ticked off by you, which is perfectly possible if you give the kid the chance to stop and change his behaviour before you give him a row. that's not molly-coddling, not at all, that's just being fair, especially given the fact that you are three foot taller than they are.

like i say 'did you know that x really hates it when you do that?' has always worked nicely for me as a very early intervention.

interestingly, wiley, only one of the four examples you give is a 'direct instruction'.

i would tell the child very directly.

one of my dds had this when she was at nursery. i asked the mother to stop her child pulling my child's hair. she didnt.

next time she put her hands towards dds head, i knelt down, took her hands, looked her straight in the eyes and said. "do not touch dd. it hurts and she does not like it."

she never did it again. dont really understand why anyone would worry about saying that to a kid.

see i think that's fine, personally. mother loses all privileges if she doesn't intervene, you were completely direct and explained the situation.

the 'did you know?' thing works if you're trying not to piss off the mother.

I use the "we don't [hit]" line because we don't. It's the DC who is doing it, the rest of us aren't. The point of it is to draw attention to how everyone else is behaving and get the DC to see themselves as part of the group that doesn't hit. If said in a judgy voice I can see how it could be shaming, but if done in a gentle, friendly and matter of fact way it isn't.

Having said that, I don't think it's the best way to deal with a kid in this situation. If it isn't something he's use to thinking about (the fact others are behaving in a certain way and so maybe he should too) I think it just adds a layer of complexity. OP is NBU to ask him to stop hitting her DC, but initially the simpler the request the better.

that's why i think it's fine to say that to your own children, but not others. you don't, but they might.

Friends or not, if my DC was hitting/pushing another child I would welcome suitable intervention from another adult. Obviously if I was there that wouldn't be necessary as I would intervene myself. Although if I WAS there it wouldn't happen in the first place

I wouldn't tell the child off when his mother was there tbh. I would, however, ask the mother to ask her child to stop

Aitch You didn't say it was fine to say to your own kids, you said it was a "really unpleasant [thing] to say to someone" I think you're wrong about that. I think it's a fine way of explaining social norms (to anyone) when you're in a situation in which those social norms apply.

Not when it transmits a kind of superiority, though. I mean the one person you are speaking to in the OP's situation DOES do that. Which is why it is such an arsey thing to say. Your own kids presumably know that the we means the adults in his or her life, but you can make no such assumption for this kid.

Just to clarify, I think that it's reasonable to expect the other child's mother to stop him from hitting. If she fails to do this, you would be reasonable in asking him to stop hitting your child. However, I have witnessed this ending badly on more than one occasion. Sometimes the other parent can get quite defensive and angry, which goes some way to explain why their little darling is hitting other children in the first place. Hopefully you'll be lucky and the other mother will be more reasonable than this.