to ask you what allowances you make for your partner's issues? Just being nosy really......

[RawShark]

My DH had depression when he was a teenager (self harm and a suicide attempt) , exacerbated by a tendency to stress and assume disaster. Having spent more time with his family this is either genetic or he learnt it off his father.

Ten years ago you'd have told me to leave the bastard and even the year the baby was born (DS is two now) there were a couple of times I thought "well, I'm goign to have to do all the work of bringing up our son alone" (although probably at least 50% of this was my hormones).

Anyway every year he has improved the way he acts or speaks or tries to keep in contact with his family and is even volunteering at a sports event to try and be more sociable. I have immense respect for the way he does this as I don't think I improve myself year on year!

So when he is down or feeling shitty I will give him extra time alone, or to do something he likes and often lie-in. I do more cooking and shopping (not all) because sometimes the planning gets him a bit panicky. I don't get many lie-ins myself because he also needs to exercise to keep on top of things. I am in no way complaining and obviously I chose to be with him knowing full well his issues.

But from reading these boards a lot of people think that if things aren;t 50:50 then this is NOT RIGHT. I guess I'm just being nosy and asking what other people make allowances for in the context of a healthy relationship?

I think it depends what allowances he makes for you. If all the effort is on one side, that is when you get the LTBs. If he is working on his issues and he is trying as hard or harder than you, that works.

I think the hardest thing in relationships is to compromise, which is the essence of all relationships, or not, because there are certain things you should never compromise.

I can't remember the last time we went out as a couple with other friends/couples/groups. He hates group situations, prefers small intimate groups... Or just spending time with me, doesn't understand why I need to socialise. He's currently under referral to an Aspergers specialist as this is just one of the many 'quirks' that he has, but the one that bothers me the most but I put up with as I'd never want him to feel uncomfortable for the sake of me havin someone on my arm for the night.

I am happy to know that if I need allowances, DH will make them for me, straight away, no questions, and I'll do the same for him. I think that's all you can ask for, rather than measuring to the button 'how much.'

My DH is a kind, loving and hardworking man. Because of this I would be willing to make some pretty huge allowances for any medical, physical or emotional issues that may arise during the course of our marriage. Including and beyond what you have already mentioned. Sickness and health and all that.
If he was a lazy arse that left me to do everything because he was too busy playing computer games and drinking with his mates then that would be a very different story.

I don't know if the comments made to me on another thread have prompted this. They certainly gave me food for thought.

My DH isn't the most skilled at working out what's going on in other people's heads - I guess that's one of the things which have contributed to our DDs' Autism. I did find it hard to hear that this negated any value there is to me in our relationship.

I work hard when he appears to behave in a selfish and arrogant way to help him to understand what others are experiencing. Sometimes it drives me up the wall but then most couples say that about each other don't they?

He gives back in many valid ways and it works for us most of the time.

I'm sure that you receive from your DH in as many ways as you give, even if those ways are different.

My DP's self consciousness. I am much more willing to let myself relax- especially in the privacy of my own home. I will dance and sing with the DC, DP rarely does this. I will do the puppet shows with them, initiate the 'lets pretend' scenarios. DP is not comfortable doing this and would have to be asked by me.

It's all about balance, how much you're happy and how the relationship works out for you.

We all have our issues, as it were, but when these issues start impounding the overall balance, we have to question how we best tackle them, that's if it's possible to tackle them.

I'm quite lenient but I have boundaries and they are pretty firm. Good on your DH for tackling them and good on you for being understanding and accommodating of his needs.

I have aspergers, DP has autism, and no allowances.

I hate being late, not being in control, fucking loathe surprises. He surprised me last year for Christmas. He is taking driving lessons so pretty soon I will have to let him drive me.

He is funny about dice (hard to explain here) but he does this thing with them and if they don't roll right he rolls them again until they do. Once he starts he doesn't like to be stopped. Same with with little routines before he leaves the house. I can't bear not sticking to our schedule so often chivy him out.

Despite all this we never argue. We just seem to accept each other and push each others boundaries in a loving way, never aggressively and as it turned out we've both dealt with our issues better as a result. I'm better socially as a result, and he has learned to relax a bit.

I do think most people make allowances for lots of things in relationships.

As someone mentioned, it depends on the overall picture.

I don't like people and me being late, but don't worry too much about the state of the house, for example.

I allow people to have an off day occasionally if they are usually nice, to have a lie in if they usually contribute their fair share, and may even allow not ironing if they do most of the cooking. :)

goldmandra I have seen your name around recently in threads but I don;t think I've read the one to which you refer but it sounds as if you're working things out?

I hadn't put it into the context of giving in different ways but thinking about it now then that must be the way it works (I'm certainly not perfect) or I'd be unhappy with our situation.

It is reassuring to know not everyone is either in a completely dysfunctional relationship or has a perfect other half, which is the impression I get from dipping in and out of here (I know I know it is the AIBU secton so what would I expect).

A good mutual friend did mention to me he thought DH may have mild aspergers certainly in respect of knowing what other people are thinking (apologies if this is one of those things where you can't be mild/severe or I have got the wrong term etc) but after some thought I put it down to the self-obsession I feel is inherent in depression. On occasion he can be immensely thoughtless and say/do the wrong thing entirely - e.g. I was a bit emotional last night and he has attributed this for some reason to online grocery shopping .

on other occasions he can be fabulous when I didn;t expect it and had already made an allowance. SO maybe making allowances isn;t doing him any favours...... And I find that when he is being thoughtless it really helps to take a step back and consider his general behaviours rather than one instance. Taken a long time for both of us to be mature enough to do this!

Hairy yup, very proud of him, if that doesn;t sound condescending.

frootshoots yes my DH tends to avoid large social events too. But as you say I would rather not have him feel awkward by making him go or feel bad by reproaching him about it.

cortana you are right I think people can really help each other. I am intrigued as to what your OH surprised you with though if he knew you didn;t like them......I woudl love a big surprise but DH wil never be confident enough to organise one for me

I think to a huge degree, it is horses for courses - and the best thing you can do for a partner is to know YOURSELF as well as you can, and as honestly as you can. 'Making allowances' means such different things to different people - if you like straight talking, then having a partner who you have to 'manage' carefully is going to be a huge trial. It won't be the same drain on someone who sees their main function as being supportive and nurturing, and who will more easily 'go round the houses.' I think in a marriage/ltr, I see women who have very different views of what their role is. Again, horses for courses - but I couldn't live with a supercharged Alpha male who expected me to organise his domestic life for him.

I think it is very hard on couples when circumstances change - like a partner becoming very depressed or physically ill for example. Some couples weather this and some don't. All you can do is your best.

I think too that over a lifetime, the whole question of 50/50 is about taking the long view in a relationship. We all have ups and downs in our lives - being someone's partner is about accommodating this.

For me personally, I make allowances for the fact that my dp had chronic and severe depression for years, and has a number of habits and responses to situations that are simply not those of a mentally healthy person (hypothesises negative outcomes and often doesn't act because of this, globalises problems so frightens himself away from solving them etc).

This obviously has consequences for me! Which I largely live with. I have no doubt that i find the situation easier than someone very laidback or who wants their partner to take the lead etc. However.... I do have to make some effort to work out what my boundaries are, or my limits, and where I draw a line. I think there is a balance in a relationship between caring for someone and being supported yourself. When this tips over from 'caring' into 'being a carer', and it becomes the norm in a relationship then people have to be honest about that, and recognise whether it is what they want or not.

I can't think of a single person I know who would object to the idea that. a relationship is 'give and take', BUT it has to be the kind of give/take you are personally capable of, and there has to be a balance, however you as a couple work that out. There are lots of different ways.

*RawShark", he played Santa for me. Usually I get my Christmas presents early i.e. I saw this, would you like it? Ok, here it is. He bought loads of stuff and hid it and it appeared as if by magic. I really had to remind myself that he had went to effort, he had planned it, found out my favorite perfume (not one I usually wear as I can't justify the cost) and things I really wanted.

Also I usually have to spell stuff out, the fact that he'd listened so intently and worked out what I wanted was an achievement for him too.

rainrainetc i recognise some of my DH in what you say. Can I ask what helped you through when your DP woudl be in the middle of hypothesising negative outcomes?

I quickly realised that comparisons didn't work and the "nobody died approach" actively makes the situation worse.

What I do at the moment is say to him that as nothing I can say will help I will give him some space rather than trying to "fix" him. This doesn't solve anything but it doesn;t seem to make anything worse and I am less upset at watching a caring lovely man beat himself up over something which in no way impacts on his worth and usually isn't something he can help anyway.

Neither of us want to take the lead so we aren't terribly proactive - although the positive to that is no bossing about!

Slightly off-topic, but did anyone else see that they're planning to get rid of Asperger's as a category, and bring it under the umbrella of ASD?

On the main topic, if it works for you, then it's not really anyone else's business.

Mine is my ExDP. He doesn't really like social situations, and is fairly reclusive although he does go to work. I do all the kids parties, and take my DD to activities such as dance, as he would not be comfortable with this.

Most of the time i am happy to do this as i realise he is not comfortable, however i suffer from anxiety and going to these things is a struggle for me too, but i am better at conversing. I would appreciate it if he acknowledge how hard i push myself to make him feel comfortable.

cortana . Of course as you don't like surprises that WOULD be quite full on .....I was wondering whether he had jumped out of the cupboard in a santa suit so i wasn't far off! You sound very grounded about it though in that you saw the effort he went to. No doubt that is why you never argue!

I won't lie though - for me that would be lovely.

Sorry about all the "!" I am a lot less jolly than they make me sound

puds11 that is hard as you struggle with it too. I wouldn't know how to deal with that , expecially with an Ex, as we tend to dovetail with our social weaknesses and strengths so don't feel too hard done by

hackmum I was really just being curious as I think me and DH are doing OK. It was just prompted by a friend telling me her Dh won;t order takeaway on the phone which made me realise not everyone is 100% perfect . Mine won't order either.

Ironically enough both of DHs in question work in purchasing

Dp has been making allowances for me for the past few months. I've been very unhappy since April and I haven't really been pulling my weight around the house. I am working full time and doing a fair bit of the childcare but he is picking up the slack around the house, taking over 'my' jobs when i just can't be bothered. I'm very grateful that he is making those allowances for my emotional state because otherwise the house would be more of a shithole.

At times in the past I have made allowances for him too. Things like not getting married even though I really want to, purely because of his issues over his parents' marriage. He doesn't like driving so I do all the driving wherever we go and have to do all the ferrying around of the dcs. His mum came to live with us for a few months when she left her husband, that's a big one that he's still earning back.

I think in most relationships couples make allowances for difficult times in each other's lives. If one partner is ill then the other one picks up the slack and vice versa. I think the crunch comes when it gets too much for one person to handle or if one person starts taking the piss.

Good humour is needed when you have two people quite on the spectrum in the same house (seems DS will be diagnosed as on there soon enough). I tease him about his dice and his hair pulling tick, he teases me about schedules and when I get too focused. Swings and roundabouts. We're hoping if DS is on the path we think he is we can help him cope through the darker times using humour and knowing it's ok to be different and it's ok to laugh at yourself.

Mine doesn't order on the phone either. He has done it once when I was physically incapable of speaking on the phone, but he didn't like it. I also think that if he was in charge the dcs would never go anywhere as he doesn't like socialising so wouldn't see the need for them to socialise.

festivedidi since April is a long time to be unhappy and I feel for you. Are you getting help of some sort

cortana we have a number of humorous routines we do that are too embarassing to confess to. DS is going to be really ashamed of us

I make allowances for DH, he makes allowances for me. Neither of us have depression though. I like to think that we live in an environment of give and take.

Other thread. It felt like I was being told I was settling for DH.

The thing I try to remember is that if you're not aware of someone else's thoughts and feelings you can't be careful of them. I try to spell things out as often as possible and occasionally he blows me away by turning up with a beautiful gift which shows he actually is doing a lot of thinking.

I don't think you have to have a relationship which is even or balanced in every respect. It just needs to work for you.

We have the takeaway ordering debates here too. I will order from one but the other is too stressful because my auditory processing isn't good enough to allow me to understand them so neither of us wants to call that one.

BTW there are lots of people, particularly adults, around who have Asperger's traits which have never been professionally recognised. Most of them have used their logical and academic intelligence to figure what others know instinctively and are managing perfectly well. Those who aren't managing do sometimes have depression as a result. Has your DH considered asking for an assessment? It may be that a different, and perhaps more effective, approach to his treatment could be the result.

If you think this is worth exploring, Google Tony Attwood and consider the traits he describes.