to wonder what the best response to seeing a child repeatedly hit at soft play is?

[ICBINEG]

Well we have all probably been there....so what do you do?

A child around a year old was playing near my DD and was picking up and throwing things. Each time he did it his mum would say "no - you might hurt someone" and then hit his arm. Each time the kid looked puzzled then picked up the next thing and threw it.

After iteration 5 or so the kid burst into tears, which caused my 18 mo DD to do the same (she is going through an empathy phase apparently and does this every time another kid cries).

AIBU to ask what you do next on a scale of 1-10 where

1 is simply pick up DD and move somewhere else.

5 is saying loudly "don't worry DD, the baby just doesn't understand why it's mum is hurting it....and neither do I.

10 is hitting the mum while loudly explaining that hurting others is wrong.

It depends how hard the 'hit' is?

Lots of people choose taps on the arm to stop their child doing something they shouldn't be and while its not what I'd choose to do myself it's not my place to say anything. So In that case if you don't want your dd around it then you move somewhere else.

If she was punching her baby on the arm all the time I'd be calling SS

I would got for No. 1 if it bothered me that much. I am presuming the mother of the other child tapped his arm and didnt actually hit his arm.

Not up to me how anyone disciplines their child......within reason of course.

1. If it didn't piss off the child till the fifth "hit" then I imagine it was more of a tap/slap, and she wasn't really battering the kid!

I'd probably do 6 or 7 - something like "hurting others is wrong" but not actually hitting the mum.
"do you realise that hitting the child and telling it not to do something is actually doing what you're telling the child not to do?"

but in real life, I would probably take DD elsewhere whilst muttering "not to hit other people"

:( poor child - totally didn't understand why it was being hit on the arm repeatedly.

he didn't look hurt though, the OP said he just looked "puzzled"

well I used the word "hit" because I would have a hard time describing it...

hmmm so it certainly wasn't a "tap". It was a very frustrated sort of a slapping/shoving kind of motion. very jerky, very tight looking. I was surprised the kid didn't cry immediately...I am certain my DD would have if I had done such a thing (although as she is older it would prob be the conveyed emotion not the actual pain).

It was hard enough to visibly rock the child as it was sitting...and knock the arm away. But probably had a large component of shove in it...

See this is why I said "hit". Covers most bases...

The whole thing really upset me tbh. The futility of hitting a child that clearly has no concept of what it is doing wrong. Just ridiculous.

I was wondering if that was my DS (1) who has been at softplay with my DM this morning and has a habit of throwing stuff at the moment.....

It's hard to tell if YABU from your description.

If she was hitting him, YANBU to find it upsetting but a tap, or a firm pushing / tapping of the arm wouldn't bother me. If it was hurting him it would, if it was firm enough for him to feel it but not hurt in anyway, it wouldn't.

The "frustratedness" of the action doesn't sound good though

Now..........are you sure it was his mum not his grandma.......

it now sounds more like knocking the arm away/pulling it away so it can't repeat the action, which is quite different to hitting but could make the child off balance

I don't think knocking the "weapon" out of hands or pulling hands away from where they can grab things is UR

on another note I fecking hate soft plays that have loads of toys in them! always ends in tears! plus DS doesn't bother running round and just clutches a toy possessively which isn't why I took him! the ones without toys are so much better and have lots less tears

bauble I think that would only work if the child was still holding the "weapon". This was done after the item had been thrown...

you seem awfully keen to exonerate the behaviour?

catgirl it wasn't today..it was at the w/e so you are in the clear :)

phew

Number 1 You can't get involved every time you see less than perfect parenting as there a far to many clueless parents out there.

Impossible to say without seeing it really. Even then, it is always different what you want to do and what you end up doing isn't it There are a few occasions where I wished I had stepped in about aggressive behaviour towards children but unless the child is actually in danger most of us just look on with a catsbum face.

Absolutely, most definitely No 1.

It's simply none of your business as to how another parent disciplines their child (providing they are not being abusive- and to me, this incident is a long, long way from that).

What is your business is your child. If you don't want your DD to be witness to what is (in your opinion) less than ideal parenting (and for the record, I agree that it probably is less than ideal parenting), then remove her.

You will find yourself in one heck of a lot of scrapes over the next 18 years or so if you decide that other people's parenting skills are yours to pass open judgement on.

well I haven't been to soft play in ages so it wasn't me if that's what you mean??

Yeah, no.1

Plenty of parents reprimand by smacking and provided the smacking does not go beyond the realms of what is lawful then it really is none of your business.

As an alternative you could have encouraged the child to join in playing with you and your DC, in a game which did not involve throwing anything.

ha yes in at number 20 on the 1 to 10 scale is abduct baby.

I guess catsbum face is around a 2.5?

plenty of parents would reprimand a 1 yo by smacking?? REALLY?? Coz that is seriously dumb if it is true.... If you are going to hit a child surely it should at the very very least be a child old enough to have a rudimentary appreciation of cause and effect? Or is it supposed to be for the adults amusement?

DS is 1

I smack his hand if he hurts the cat. (Or the cat scratches him which is also effective)

I would go for Number 5 and agree with you in that it shows a limited imagination/ intelligence in smacking a 1 year old.

Well it looks like I did about do the average suggested here...around a 2.5 with an involuntary catsbum mouth look of horror....

poor daft parents probably thought I was appalled by their kids behaviour....not in a million years my dears...

catgirl
DD smacks the cat. she thinks she's being friendly. the cat just takes it

when she does it, we take her hand away and say "no" sternly.
then she just looks at us and does it again.
because the cat doesn't move, she keeps doing it.
last night, he was at the back of the pillow (we were all poorly in bed, and he felt left out, i think!), and she just kept doing it. and he just kept taking it.
we couldn't move her (well, not far, anyway), and he wouldn't be moved either!

they just don't understand at that age.

Well we don't have a cat but there were plenty of other forbidden things that DD got in a loop about when around the 1 yo mark...we just intercepted again and again and again...until she stopped doing it.

Saying NO loudly would only make her do things more before losing interest - so we didn't do that. It literally never crossed my mind to hurt her for the supposed crime of exploring her world in a perfectly natural and normal way for a 1 yo.....

Now at 18 mo we of course have a ravening uncontrollable monster! Oh wait...no we don't. Now she understands enough that if you say in a normal level voice "don't do that" she stops after a very few repetitions and tests (designed to find how far the new rule extends and reinforce the rule in her mind).

At 1 yo babies are just piecing together cause and effect. Do people really want them to learn:
Cause - I practise my motor skills
Effect - mummy hurts me ?