Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family at Christmas!

35 replies

yummincepie · 03/12/2012 12:41

My father in law spilt up with his partner 6 years ago, revealing that she had been accusing him of carrying on with me!!

They have still kepted seeing each other all this time, I have repeatedly over the years said she is well in our house.

My father inlaw sees her grandchildren regularly, but no effort is made on her part to have any contact with our children. My father inlaw takes my eldest child cycling every weekend with her granddaughter, my daughter has no idea what the connection is with this child to her grandad.

It feels like my family is still being punished for something that never happened.

My father inlaw has spent Christmas Day with us for the last 6 yrs, yesterday he told us he would be spending it with her and her family.

I feel so angry and upset that I now have to explain to a 9 and 4 yr old why their grandad isn 't coming this year!

My husband is close to his dad and doesn't see why I am upset.

Yesterday I sat and listened to my father inlaw telling us about a singing concert her granddaughters were in that they went to watch

I really Don 't know how to handle this, I saw her at a funeral a couple of months ago, we chatted and I told her myself she is welcome at our house, but no effort as been made!

OP posts:
takataka · 03/12/2012 12:44

hmmm...i can see why you are upset, but FiL can spend Christmas wherever he likes and with whoever he wants to

sounds like the woman just doesnt like you Sad

squeakytoy · 03/12/2012 12:47

YABU to expect the man to spend every Christmas Day with you, and are your children really going to be too bothered.. most kids are more interested in the fact that Father Christmas will be calling!

I cant even understand why you would expect her to get involved with your children either as they are not a relation to her, and she has her own grandchildren.

missymoomoomee · 03/12/2012 12:49

I have to agree, I think she just doesn't like you for whatever reason. It might be better that she doesn't try and take any involvement.

Your FIL can spend xmas wherever he wants. You don't have to make a big deal about it with your DC just say he is spending xmas with his girlfriend and you will see him on x date.

takataka · 03/12/2012 12:50

squeaky im not so sure; my kids are dead excited about Father Xmas, but would begutted if Granny and Grandad didnt come

OP arrange to see him Boxing Day or day after? so they have that to look forward to...

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/12/2012 12:51

I dont see why you would expect her to make an effort with your kids to be honest....they are nothing to do with her.

Your FIL is allowed to go where he wants on Xmas Day. Sounds like as he has done the last 6 years with you that is has become expected but yes, he can go elsewhere if he wants to.

Why should she be making an effort with you?? She isn't your FIL's partner anymore is she?

Original poster
yummincepie · 03/12/2012 13:15

There was me thinking Christmas wad about spending time with YOUR family!! And I am sorry it upsets me that my childrens only grandparent will be watching and spending quality time on Christmas day with someone elses grandchildren.

I don't expect him to come to ours every year.

Think now I will just back off, I was accused of something awful, for over several years this womens family were all whispering about me behind mind and my husbands back!! And my father inlaw knew what was bring said.

But me being the pushover I am, just took it.

If that's where he'd would rather be , the family that tried their very best to destroy his son s family so be it. I can put on a front for my husbands and my childrens sake when I have to.

OP posts:
AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 03/12/2012 13:19

Oh blimey OP, let it go. You say he doesn't have to spend every christmas with you, good he's not this year, your kids will be fine, don't alienate him over this woman, do you really miss her that much?

missymoomoomee · 03/12/2012 13:21

Christmas is about spending time with whoever you want to. He wants to spend it with her.

Your DH doesn't care, I think you will have to take a leaf out of his book and put what happened 6 years ago out of your mind and move on.

takataka · 03/12/2012 13:23

have you ever confronted her about what she said? Id have to...

have you ever confronted your FiL about his stance on the situation?

Original poster
yummincepie · 03/12/2012 13:24

I will not fallout with him over this, I have said anything about how I feel. Nor will I.

OP posts:
takataka · 03/12/2012 13:25

even if you got on really well with the woman and this 'thing' had never happened...its very liley that FiL is going to want to spend some xmases with her and her family isnt it, i think?

Pandemoniaa · 03/12/2012 13:25

Christmas is a time not to be guilt-tripped into decisions. I know there's a backstory here, OP but actually, your FIL is perfectly entitled to make a decision about where he wants to spend Christmas. He's spent the last 6 years with you and perhaps he'd like a change. It doesn't have to be the cause of grief though.

Pandemoniaa · 03/12/2012 13:25

Also second what takataka says about perhaps wanting to spend Christmas with her and her grandchildren. Is that such a crime?

HotBurrito1 · 03/12/2012 13:26

OP you just sound jealous. If you'd like him to come for Christmas in the future I'd accept his decision graciously, after all it is his decision.

takataka · 03/12/2012 13:26

yy pandemonnia I think this is 2 seperate issues

  1. FiL doesnt have to spend every xmas with you, as sad as that is for you
  2. sort out this issue with his girlfriend, as it is pissing you off
Original poster
yummincepie · 03/12/2012 13:32

To be honest my father inlaw was was so embrassed when he finally had to tell us what he had been constantly accused of for 2 yrs. I felt sorry him. Initially I was angry with this women, she could of destroyed my marriage. But she did apologise a year later. Think that was when they started seeing each other again.

But if I am really honest I resent the fact I was used as a scape goat.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/12/2012 13:34

Yummi it sounds awful BUT......the situation with his friend is nothing to fo with Christmas. Bottom line is he is an adult and as he has spent the last 6 Christmases with you and yours, he is going elsewhere this year.

See him boxing day if you can, the kids will be pleased enough with that and you can have a nice intimate christmas day with no awkwardness :)

takataka · 03/12/2012 13:36

oh, she has apologised for it, so she no longer believes you had an affair with her boyfreind

I imagine she is really embarrased, and maybe that is why she doesnt like spending time with you?

but I think the history, is irrelevant in that; FiL wants to spend time with his GF at Xmas and so that involves being with her family...can you ask if they will both come to yours next year?

takataka · 03/12/2012 13:38

My father inlaw takes my eldest child cycling every weekend with her granddaughter, my daughter has no idea what the connection is with this child to her grandad

what do you mean by this? does your dc know that the other child is the granddaughter of your FiLs GF?? its quite a convoluted 'relationship' to not really constitute a relationship at all. But you could explain who the other child is? Or is it a secret? Confused

I think that you wish your family and the womens family could become closer, is that it?

Original poster
yummincepie · 03/12/2012 13:44

Will try that, yes maybe I am jealous
When I sit there and listened to all the stuff he does with her grandchildren. Yes I then do get pissed off when I constantly have to to remind him about stuff and events his own grandchildren are doing.

I am only human and have feelings too.

OP posts:
Original poster
yummincepie · 03/12/2012 13:48

My children have no idea who this women is, how can you talk about a person and explain the connection. And what reason do I give to why they never see her.

OP posts:
takataka · 03/12/2012 13:51

why do they never see her? Confused

how much time does FiL spend with her/ your dcs? does that time never overlap? Is it because she doesnt want to see your dcs at all?

HotBurrito1 · 03/12/2012 13:53

If he's not making such an effort with your kids I can see how that would hurt. Ultimately though, again that's his decision. At least you have still been having him round.

Original poster
yummincepie · 03/12/2012 13:57

No never made any effort. As far as I know she does not go to my father inlaws house so no chance of seeing her really.

Feel better for getting it off my chest.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 03/12/2012 13:58

Why don't your children know about this woman? Clearly she still plays a major part in your FIL's life and, as she has apologised for her previous actions, would it be so difficult to explain that she's a close friend? Only this is all coming across as your rather jealous desire to sustain a feud that is certainly not of your children's making.

I'm not sure I get the significance of you having to "constantly remind him about events his own grandchildren are doing", either. Only unless you live in each other's pockets, I'm presuming that you will have to keep him informed. In the same way that he tells you about his time with her grandchildren.