I Cannot bare to think of my kids having a relationship with the OW

[JALG]

Yes, I am being unreasonable and I know it. My ExDH left me 18 months ago after embarking on yet another affair. The first one 10 years ago last about 6 years). This time it was very much out of the blue and the OW is 18 years younger (only 10 years older than his daughter!). I hung about for 6 months after he left stupidly thinking I wanted him back but he chose her over me! So I have done well in a year. I have a nice BF who is kind to me and gets on quite well with my kids (mainly the younger). I have instigated my divorce and am half way through that. And last week I managed to sell the family home and put an offer in on a new one. All great I know but I have a BIG problem. I loath the very mention of the name of the OW. Up until now my eldest knew the whole story and chose not to have anything to do with her and my youngest new Dad had a OW but not much detail. I have always said that she was never to have anything to do with my youngest after all she split up our family and caused so much heartache. He has chosen not to mention her around our youngest but has told his mother and my eldest what is going on.

This week my youngest has come back from staying over to tell me that her Daddy is going to New York with the OW, he has talked non stop about her all weekend and has spoken to her on the phone in front of her as well as producing a photo of her to put by his computer at his flat. He tells me that the current situation is not sustainable and that it will have to change in the new year. I presume he wants to bring the OW into my little ones life. She has said she does not want to meet her, I don't want her to have anything to do with her and his mother thinks it is morally wrong. WHAT CAN I DO?

You can put your hurt feelings aside for the sake of your children and make their interaction easier. You can't stipulate whom your Ex can introduce the children to, they are his as much as they are yours. It's not logical to say that she can see the eldest and not the youngest and as you acknowledge, you're being unreasonable.

The OW played a part in the end of your marriage but it was your Ex who split up your family. What you do with it from hereon in is important because if you carry on dictating terms, the civil relationship it sounds as if you have with your Ex is going to change for the worse.

Be as angry as you like away from your children but don't let them be dragged into enmity; it's just not fair on them. I know it's hard but it's just the way it is, I'm sorry for your pain.

Oh dear! I don't think you can do anything. One of the best bits of advice I was given was not to badmouth my ex in front of my children. It was tough at first, but I really do think it has been better for the children. He's the one who drops little nasty asides about me (judging from the odd thing that comes home). I really do believe it backfires in the end (to be openly bitter and judgemental). I don't think children respect you for it, and for very little children I think it really adds to any feeling of insecurity they have about the split.

I'm not saying I don't understand how you must feel. You have every reason to feel furious and bitter. But I do believe it's best to be as positive as possible, and also believe that children will make their own minds up in the end, especially if your ex is untrustworthy, and they will have all the more respect for you for allowing them to do that. Just be calm and accepting in front of them, after all, really it's all about wanting your children to feel happy and secure isn't it.

Of course you can moan and rant like mad to your friends!

I'm sorry you can't do anything. You really can't control who he brings into your kids' lives.

Your children can certainly voice their own opinions, and will.

Just like he can't control who you bring into their lives.

And it was your husband who split up your family, not the OW.He broke his vows.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

Well done to you on getting your life back . Great news about your house.
Keep moving forward, and good luck

Agree with PP. I'd feel the exact same as you but it's going to happen one day if they are in it for the longhaul.

I really feel for you, but for DDs sake, you are going to have to accept it and help her to accept it, its shit I know, its hard I know, but he is going to do this, you dont say how old she is?

Im really sorry for you and your kids but saying things like the OW split up your family is wrong....the only person who did that is your ex.

I think YABU but I can imagine it would hurt to think of OW being a part of your DC's life.

It was your ex who broke up your marriage, if anything I feel sorry for OW as it sounds like your ex is a serial cheater.

It isn't fair to allow your DC to have a relationship with your new man and not allow them to get to know their DF's partner, for them to have an open and easy relationship with their father there needs to be no extra hurdles in the way and saying your ex should not even mention OW's name is making more issues for your children.

What should your ex do? should he lie to the kids if he tells them he is going to new york and they say "oh who with, what will you do there?"

YANBU to feel upset and if ever I had to go through this I know I would find the whole notion of an ex "D"H getting OW and our DCs together completely nauseating.

However it's not a case of them existing as solely my kids, my eldest, my youngest, my little one. You are rebuilding your life and your ex may be the lowest of the low but if he is their father you know they are his too...

It is hard but just as they have met your new DP, your ex has the right to introduce them to his gf.

I think you have to get over this. Your Ex has done you a favour by revealing himself to be a rubbish partner and you are well rid of him. However, he is also moving on and whilst I understand you are angry, it's not reasonable to imagine that the children will never see or hear about this woman.

I was very angry with my father's OW for a year or two, but after that I got to know her and liked her a lot. I have known her now for 15 years upwards and I genuinely feel she's part of my life. I feel sorry for her having to put up with his idiocy but there you go.

YANBU to feel that way, I feel the same my ex H left me for another woman (who I knew) and I grit my teeth and seethe at the mention of her, and in my head she is known as the slut, but never in front of the children. I feel constantly in competition with her it sucks but you have to out the children first in whatever way you think is best for them and not your emotions

I get how you feel-but you have a BF (boyfriend) who you have introduced to them??

You can stop making it clear to your child that you don't want her to know the OW! She is saying that she doesn't want to know her because of you, because she loves you and does to want to hurt you. But she has two parents and her Father has every right to introduce his partner and his child! You did!

If you let this continue and don't get rid of your anger somewhere away from the children, the only person you are hurting is them. They will have to deal with her, because that's what their other parent wants, and you have no right to make it harder on them because of your feelings.

How would you have felt if your ex deliberately made your new boyfriends relationship with your current difficult?

That should say children, not current! Auto correct fail!

Thanks folks some food for thought there! I think it has been easier for me to lump the blame onto the OW rather than admit that it was my DH who caused this. I am far from over it yet I know that it really was the best thing that could happen to me. Most of you think that I am being stupid here and of course I really don't want my kids to suffer as they are both having such a bad time really and are not coping well. I know that my feelings/reactions are probably contributing to this but how do you stop? I have no family at all to support me and my new BF does not really like to get involved or discuss it. I am still so sad and hurt that it spills over into my life every day. On the face of things it looks like I am doing so well with moving on - but underneath? So I agree that my kids must come first has anyone got through this and how?

I don't think anyone thinks you are being stupid. Your feelings are your feelings, but you can't act on them.
Lots of people have been in your shoes and come out smiling, and so will you!

You arent being stupid and its fine to feel as you do - its not fine to let the DCs know how you feel, they are your children, not your friends and they shouldnt be supporting you, its so damaging for them.

Take up the gym, swimming, anything where you can express your anger other than to the DCs.

Your feelings are all valid and perfectly normal x

I can't advise from experience but am guessing if you demonise gf, you will upset your DCs as they'll struggle to please you by hating her and please Dad by getting along with her.
I'm not saying pretend to like her or condone ex's actions btw. Your DCs will know the truth of the split when they are older.

It isnt fair on anyone else that you allow your children to meet your new partner but they are not allowed to meet their father's.

You can put your hurt feelings aside for the sake of your children and make their interaction easier

^ this. You don't have to like her, but it was your DH who promised to be faithful to you and who apparently cheated on you for years with other women as well as her .

What do you expect will happen when they move in together?

I can only tell you what my solicitor told me, that I had no choice in the matter. As the father was considered suitable to have my DD (no real reason not to as being a cheating scumbag doesn't affect parenting) then it was up to him who my DD met while with him.

It broke my heart. DD even now lives with them, but DD and D(ex)StD both tell me she is boring and they are not overly keen on her. (I am aware they may both be being very kind to me, but choose to believe).

Channel the anger you are feeling into other things. I know it sounds corny, but I honestly think that anger is what helped me find the strength to move on after my relationship broke up.

I think you need to have an honest chat with your children. Tell them you were hurt and let them know that you are sorry for saying things about OW that you shouldn't have done. They will appreciate that honesty and it will teach them that it's ok to make mistakes but then to recognise them, acknowledge them and then apologise for them.

If this women is going to be in their lives then you have to do whatever you can to make it as easy as possible for them. They need to be able to talk to you about their time with their Dad and their time with her when it happens, you don't want them to be unhappy with him and them have no one to talk to about it. Think into the future and see how much they will admire you for swallowing your hurt and putting them first when they are old enough to fully understand the situation they are in.

You have a nice boyfriend who gets on well with your kids, but you can't bear them building a relationship with your ex's long term gf?

He was the one that broke up your marriage by indulging in a string of affairs. It might hurt like hell, but she's not the to blame.

You are making it worse for all of you by not sucking it up and pretending to love the fact that everyone is settled in a relationship and can provide a happy background for your children.

my best friend is going through this exact thing now. They have one 14 DD and, my friend is heartbroken. Right from finding out he was leaving to move in with OW she has made a point of not bad mouthing either of them infront of the DD. DD has said that she doesnt want to meet the OW yet but meets her dad every weekend. My friend has told DD it is entirely up to her and that she wont be hurt or upset if she decides to meet the OW and even sleepover. It is killing her inside but, its the right approach she feels

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos - that sounds good advise. I was thinking of how I could take back what I have already said about the OW to 'our' kids. I think I need to be honest with them and let them know its ok for them to make up their own minds about her. This will be very hard, but maybe what I need to help me 'let go'.

With regards to me introducing my new partner to my DDs, they already knew him and as he had nothing to do with the family split I felt that it was a very different situation.

Of course this is a whole new ball game and nothing prepares you for dealing with all this stuff but life chucks stuff at you for a reason eh? Thanks for your honest responses X

It will be very hard, but it will be worth it in the end. If you pretend to be nice for long enough, eventually the niceness will be what comes out on top and it will start to feel natural. I've been in a vaguely similar situation so I do have some experience here.

It is difficult but it doesn't last forever, and you have to remember that time will heal your feelings, but you don't want your children to still be feeling the effects of your dislike for the OW after you are well over it and barely giving it a thought. That day will come, honestly!