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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I Cannot bare to think of my kids having a relationship with the OW

32 replies

JALG · 02/12/2012 22:44

Yes, I am being unreasonable and I know it. My ExDH left me 18 months ago after embarking on yet another affair. The first one 10 years ago last about 6 years). This time it was very much out of the blue and the OW is 18 years younger (only 10 years older than his daughter!). I hung about for 6 months after he left stupidly thinking I wanted him back but he chose her over me! So I have done well in a year. I have a nice BF who is kind to me and gets on quite well with my kids (mainly the younger). I have instigated my divorce and am half way through that. And last week I managed to sell the family home and put an offer in on a new one. All great I know but I have a BIG problem. I loath the very mention of the name of the OW. Up until now my eldest knew the whole story and chose not to have anything to do with her and my youngest new Dad had a OW but not much detail. I have always said that she was never to have anything to do with my youngest after all she split up our family and caused so much heartache. He has chosen not to mention her around our youngest but has told his mother and my eldest what is going on.

This week my youngest has come back from staying over to tell me that her Daddy is going to New York with the OW, he has talked non stop about her all weekend and has spoken to her on the phone in front of her as well as producing a photo of her to put by his computer at his flat. He tells me that the current situation is not sustainable and that it will have to change in the new year. I presume he wants to bring the OW into my little ones life. She has said she does not want to meet her, I don't want her to have anything to do with her and his mother thinks it is morally wrong. WHAT CAN I DO?

OP posts:
Isabeller · 03/12/2012 00:11

I have DD/exDH/OW experience and totally sympathise with your feelings. On occasions I have had to use every ounce of strength attempting to behave well despite feelings appropriate to an episode of The Mentalist.

I haven't managed to hit dignified or nice in any consistent way which would be my ideal but at least I haven't said or done anything too awful and I firmly believe one day I will no longer care.

You can be the bigger person. It's b* painful though. Stay together for the sake of the children [sympathetic Smile]

cory · 03/12/2012 07:52

Libby Purves says something very useful in one of her books, can't remember the exact wording but it's something like this: bitterness around a failed marriage is your share of pain, you mustn't dump it on your children because they will have their own allotted share of pain in life. Haven't been in your situation and it must be very hard, but have used the above thought for helping me not to overshare about other things.

nkf · 03/12/2012 08:02

It hurts like hell, I know but you are bigger and grander and braver than than you think and you will do the right thing by your kids. Have you looked into something like divorce recovery for yourself. It can be very good. Best wishes

Original poster
JALG · 04/12/2012 00:04

HEY, I did it, I explained to the children how sad and hurt I have been when their dad left and told them that although I do not like the OW, I did not want them to feel that they couldn't meet her if they wished or be part of their dad's new relationship. I also told them that they didn't need to worry about my feelings, I would be happy with whatever choice they made.

I feel better, I am sure that this is the first step in accepting that I need to move on from this otherwise I am forever going to be unhappy and now should be the time for me to make plans for the new chapter of my life! Sounds good in theory and 6 hrs in - lol!!

I cannot let what my ex choose to do with his life, spoil the rest of mine.
Divorce recovery sounds interesting has anyone been to this?

OP posts:
CrapJokeThing · 04/12/2012 00:19

Well done, say the right things out loud to your children.
Build a future through your children, friends, new relationship, etc.
Say all the horriible, bitter, AIBU - of course I bloody well am, on here, that's what us internet strangers are for. Vent. We allow the world to be a better place.

timeforachangebaby · 04/12/2012 12:37

Well done - I know how hard it is - onwards and upward.

Isabeller · 06/12/2012 11:37

You are a star, come here and vent when necessary Xmas Smile

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