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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to question if I am a selfish b***h?

151 replies

GnTwivslicenice · 02/12/2012 12:24

I split up with my P four days ago. We have an 18 week old DS together. I finished the relationship for various reasons, mainly because he is quite immature and reliant. He is 31, doesn't own a house, I do. Rides about on a pushbike as he doesn't have a car, doesn't buy his own clothes, etc etc. I couldn't cope with his neediness now I am looking after my DS full time. He also had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son. Nice!

I have been letting him come here to see his DS as he has moved into a house owned by his father that his brother rents - his brother lives a pretty wild lifestyle - gets drunk and takes cocaine regularly and has been in prison for fraud. The house is a bit of a tip.

He came here after his shift at work yesterday and he bathed DS and put him to bed. He then asked if we could talk. He asked if he could have DS tomorrow, fine I said. He then proceeded to lay on my sofa and start flicking through the channels on my telly, (I was watching Strictly Come Dancing so I wasn't best pleased!) I told him not to get too comfy, he wasn't going to worm his way in and end up staying the night.

He then asked if he could borrow MY car as he was too tired to bike home - he lives about 8 miles away - and he would bring it back the next day, that I wasn't likely to use the car as DS was in bed for the night. I said no, I put petrol in every week, tax, MOT and insure the the car and he puts nothing towards those costs. I said if he didn't want to bike home he should sacrifice a few luxuries like i do to have a car.

This did not go down well! He told me that I was being nasty, a selfish bitch and trying really hard to make things difficult for him, so forth and so forth, blah blah blah. I didn't think I was.

So just canvassing opinion really. Should i have let him use my car?

OP posts:
allgoingtoshitnow · 03/12/2012 09:38

"It might change, but there's nothing to say the exp can't have a good, meaningful relationship. "

If thats the case, and it has little bearing on the relationship, then perhaps she'd consider letting him be the primary carer?

What about it OP? Let your ExP have his DS, and you will be free to concentrate on yourself and your own happiness?

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 03/12/2012 09:43

allgoing I read your post as suggesting that if the OP wants happiness she should sacrifice care of her child. Why? It is possible for her to be happy AND care for her son. She just does not want to be in a relationship with the father of the child.

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 09:45

I agree with allgoing and I'm not a man.

The op's partner sounds like a decent man and father. The issues about him wanting her to be a housewife sounds like something that can be talked out - and the op doesn't sound like she is going to be bullied into anything. Making a father leave the home of his baby is obviously going to have a detrimental affect on their relationship. I imagine most parents would be devastated in a similar situation.

Strawhatpirate · 03/12/2012 09:46

Allgoing are you implying op would be happier without her son?

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 09:46

I think what allgoing means is how many mothers, how many posters on this thread, would think their relationship with their children could continue unimpeded if they weren't living with them?

ClairesTravellingCircus · 03/12/2012 10:01

A decent man doesn't call his partner spiteful names in my book.

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 10:06

It sounds like (is that right?) she is being fairly selfish. What kind of name would you call someone who tried to chuck you out of your dc's home, Claire?

ClairesTravellingCircus · 03/12/2012 10:07

The name calling happened before they split up, read the OP

DixieD · 03/12/2012 10:31

Are people actually reading the OP? Its there in black and white her reasons for splitting up with him.
I finished the relationship for various reasons
he is quite immature and reliant
I couldn't cope with his neediness now I am looking after my DS
had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son

These all seem like very valid reasons for ending a relationship to me. Or because she has given birth she is supposed to put up with having to baby a grown man while been subjected to verbal abuse?

She is perfectly within her rights to end the relationship, and wtf is this attitude that he is some sort of wonder father becuase he comes over and bathes his OWN child? So he fucking should fgs. He doesnt deserve a medal for doing what a parent should be doing. It doesnt entitle him to take over the television or have the OPs car.

Kalisi · 03/12/2012 10:49

Why does anyone need a reason? If you are in a relationship and you are unhappy with your partner you are allowed to leave it! Yes ofcourse throwing children into the equation will make the decision more difficult but ultimately relationships should make life better and if you no longer enjoy it then you shouldn't have to answer to anyone. And yes, that goes for both men and women.

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 10:51

Nope! Well done you for sticking up for yourself and laying down the rules. You sound like a brilliant mother!

allgoingtoshitnow · 03/12/2012 10:55

I wonder if people would be so cavalier about the decision if they didn't automatically assume they would end up the primary carers.

We are a nation of selfish cunts it seems.

Whocansay · 03/12/2012 11:04

If one parent is unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason, surely it is better for the child if the parents split up? I grew up in an environment that was akin to warfare, because my parents believed in 'staying together for the children'. Without going into detail, I can assure you that it wasn't much fun. Just because the parents no longer love each other does not mean they do not love the child and are incapable of looking after the child.

And given that the exp in the scenario can barely look after himself, I would imagine he would run for the hills if asked to be the primary carer for the child.

Allgoing, you sound very bitter. I can only imagine you have had to deal with your own issues, but you're coming across as a misogynist. You seem to be implying that the OP is selfish for splitting up from her exp and putting her own happiness before that of her child. Won't ultimately ALL of them be happier if the parents split rather than stay in an unhappy relationship?

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 11:18

I think once children are involved then, yes, you need a pretty good reason to leave.

How would all you posters feel if your partner could kick you out of the house where your children lived, just because he was unhappy in a relationship with you? Honestly?

Kalisi · 03/12/2012 11:20

Ofcourse they would allgoing otherwise men would never leave women would they? ( working on the assumption that women tend to be primary care givers I do know that's not always the case before you jump on that)
Ending a relationship with children is never going to be a cavalier decision. If you are primary care giver you will be accused of 'taking the children away' and if you're not, you will be accused of 'abandoning your family' Only by people like you ofcourse Hmm

DixieD · 03/12/2012 11:24

tryingtoleave Does neediness, dependence, over reliance, having to baby him and verbal abuse not constitute a good enough reason? And if not what does?
The OPs DP has access to his child. OP is not obliged to have him live under her roof just because she gave birth to his baby.

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 11:29

I'm not sure - it would depend on the extent and what has been done to deal with it. What really bugs me is that pps are saying that it doesn't matter if the reason is good. Do you think a partner should be able to take your children away, because he is not happy with you Dixie? Would you be happy with occasional access, and think it was no different to living with your child?

allgoingtoshitnow · 03/12/2012 11:32

"neediness, dependence, over reliance,"

Do these traits now fall under abuse? I certainly hope not because there are a lot of male breadwinners out there who might voice similar complaints about their dependents.

I wonder if they will get to keep the kids?

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 11:32

Again, I think allgoing is right. Here there would be a presumption of shared care. I would think very carefully about leaving dh, knowing it would mean leaving my dcs for half the week too.

Kalisi · 03/12/2012 11:33

Leaving a relationship does not automatically equate to 'taking a child away' That is a completely seperate issue to two grown adults ending a partnership.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 11:36

What about the "He also had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son. "

I notice that you quoted "Does neediness, dependence, over reliance, having to baby him and verbal abuse"

as "neediness, dependence, over reliance," and addressed those.

But not the bit about verbal abuse.

Does being in someone's face and namecalling them constitute an abuse of them?

And when put together with not pulling their weight build up a picture of someone who is not a great person?

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 11:37

In this situation the mother is taking the baby away. It will be hard for a father to get custody of a baby and will continue to be hard in the future because he won't have a chance to establish a good relationship and a change later will disrupt the status quo.

Is the op planning to give the father shared care? Equal access to the child? It sounds like he would be keen.

tryingtoleave · 03/12/2012 11:39

If this was a thread about two adults ending a partnership I wouldnt have bothered to post. But I see a thread about one parent kicking another parent, unilaterally, out of their child's home. And I find that very upsetting.

allgoingtoshitnow · 03/12/2012 11:39

"Leaving a relationship does not automatically equate to 'taking a child away' "

There are many exPs out there who beg to differ.

LtXmasEve · 03/12/2012 11:39

OP hasn't said otherwise - in fact OP has made it very clear that there were a number of reasons she and her ex partner split-up, but they are personal.

She only wanted to know whether she was being unreasonable in not loaning him her car.

OP, no, you were NOT unreasoable to not loan your ex your car.