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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to question if I am a selfish b***h?

151 replies

GnTwivslicenice · 02/12/2012 12:24

I split up with my P four days ago. We have an 18 week old DS together. I finished the relationship for various reasons, mainly because he is quite immature and reliant. He is 31, doesn't own a house, I do. Rides about on a pushbike as he doesn't have a car, doesn't buy his own clothes, etc etc. I couldn't cope with his neediness now I am looking after my DS full time. He also had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son. Nice!

I have been letting him come here to see his DS as he has moved into a house owned by his father that his brother rents - his brother lives a pretty wild lifestyle - gets drunk and takes cocaine regularly and has been in prison for fraud. The house is a bit of a tip.

He came here after his shift at work yesterday and he bathed DS and put him to bed. He then asked if we could talk. He asked if he could have DS tomorrow, fine I said. He then proceeded to lay on my sofa and start flicking through the channels on my telly, (I was watching Strictly Come Dancing so I wasn't best pleased!) I told him not to get too comfy, he wasn't going to worm his way in and end up staying the night.

He then asked if he could borrow MY car as he was too tired to bike home - he lives about 8 miles away - and he would bring it back the next day, that I wasn't likely to use the car as DS was in bed for the night. I said no, I put petrol in every week, tax, MOT and insure the the car and he puts nothing towards those costs. I said if he didn't want to bike home he should sacrifice a few luxuries like i do to have a car.

This did not go down well! He told me that I was being nasty, a selfish bitch and trying really hard to make things difficult for him, so forth and so forth, blah blah blah. I didn't think I was.

So just canvassing opinion really. Should i have let him use my car?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 02/12/2012 20:36

I think 'man' may be pushing it there WalterM!

Have I been frothing? Marvellous!

Grin
waltermittymistletoe · 02/12/2012 21:26

Who Grin

blanksquit · 02/12/2012 21:55

In answer to your original question - no, he needs to grow up.

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 02/12/2012 21:57

Oh look A link to our Talk guidelines

waltermittymistletoe · 02/12/2012 22:13

Evening Olivia Smile

Original poster
GnTwivslicenice · 02/12/2012 22:19

Hi Olivia, I am going to try and distract you from the naughtiness by offering a large Gin & Tonic.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/12/2012 22:26

welcome to MN, Gn

looks like you are going to fit right in Grin

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 06:35

You know, you are actually allowed to split up with someone for any reason you like. Even a 'frivolous' one. You can say you no longer want to be with someone because they leave the top off the toothpaste.

Or no reason at all.

You only 'have' to be in a relationship for exactly as long as you want to be and you don't have to have a reason that is considered acceptable to others in order to leave.

you can go cos you've decided you don't want to be in a relationship.
Because they are cruel
Because you don't love them any more even though they have done nothing, that's just the way you feel
Because they are selfish and mean
Because there's an R in the month.

Any. Bloody. Reason. You. Want.

I think it is VERY wrong to try to give people the message that they can only end a relationship for just cause and that must be something Very Bad Indeed.

I Am Not Happy

Is a very good reason.

cuillereasoupe · 03/12/2012 08:54

OK I'll bite. Really? it's fine to split up a parent/daughter relationship for any reason at all? Hmm

cuillereasoupe · 03/12/2012 08:55

^parent/child obviously

MadCap · 03/12/2012 09:02

She's not splitting up a parent/child relationship though. As far as we can see, she is being more than reasonable with regards to contact. Of course, you are allowed to leave an adult relationship for whatever reason you wish

allgoingtoshitnow · 03/12/2012 09:08

Its a shit reason when there are kids involved.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 03/12/2012 09:09

What HECThe.. Said ^^

ClairesTravellingCircus · 03/12/2012 09:13

And Madcap

Sometimes coming on Mumsnet feels like time travel...

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 09:13

How is it splitting up a parent child relationship?

You leave the adult, not the child.

If people use that as a reason to not be in their child's life, or if the parent tries to limit the other parent's relationship with the child - that's a different thing altogether.

But you don't HAVE to stay with someone you don't want to be with. It really is as simple as that.

allgoingtoshitnow · 03/12/2012 09:13

To a time when there were standards?

ClairesTravellingCircus · 03/12/2012 09:14

To a time when women had no choices

shewhowines · 03/12/2012 09:19

YANBU and are perfectly in your rights to establish strong boundaries early on in the relationship.

HOWEVER

he is going to be in your DS's life for a very long time hopefully. Some give and take from both of you might benefit your son in the long run. It is important for your son to have him in his life as much as possible. If by using the car (very occasionally) DS gets to see more of him then that wouldn't be such a bad thing. You may need exP to be flexible over when he has him to help you out sometimes. The better relationship you have with exP will help you both to do the best for DS.

BUT

only you know if this would be the thin end of the wedge. If exP would then expect/push for more/be unappreciative then start as you mean to go on now and well done you, for being assertive.

Helping each other out and being flexible must work both ways.

MadCap · 03/12/2012 09:20

Yy Claire

cuillereasoupe · 03/12/2012 09:21

If one parent is no longer in the home, then I would think it stands to reason that that has an impact on their relationship with the child. I can see that this is a dangerously reactionary view though Hmm

FryOneFatManic · 03/12/2012 09:27

IMO the idea that you need a strong reason to leave if you have kids translates as the woman being expected to do all the compromising. Which is why I believe there are so manu smug entitled blokes out there.

I have seen very good examples of people being able to co-parent effectively but separately, where the children have good relationships with both parents.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 09:28

No need for the humpty face. We are allowed to have different views without getting huffy about it. We disagree.

Yes, it may affect the child.

They may be upset that they see less of their parent.
They may not see less or much less of their parent - assuming the parent works full time and didn't spend all day every day with the child and after the split sees them on a weeknight and at the weekend
They may feel happier that they aren't living in a war zone
They may wish the parents were still under the same roof even though the atmosphere was terrible and they weren't happy.

But you still, imo, don't have to stay in a relationship with someone if you don't want to.

You can work together to make the transition as ok for the child as you can, making sure they spend time with the other parent a LOT and making sure that they feel loved by both parents.

but you don't have to imo condemn yourself to a miserable existence to ensure that your children grow up with two adults under the same roof.

MadCap · 03/12/2012 09:29

You said splitting up the relationship. It might change, but there's nothing to say the exp can't have a good, meaningful relationship.

MadCap · 03/12/2012 09:31

Hectate is much faster at typing than me. Grin

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 09:33

Fastest fingers in the west, that's me Grin