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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

gifts of unequal value (adults)

31 replies

oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 07:10

I get on very well with one sister but not the other. DSis1 and I have had so many falling outs over the years, I can't go into them all but some really awful lies have been told that I can never forgive. Like, the worst imaginable pretty much, as well as other really awful behaviour. I try to keep a courteous relationship as we both have children, and my other sister and mum feel like they are caught in the middle sometimes (I have always stood up to DSis1, Dsis1 and DM will just take her nastiness to keep the peace. I'm no peace keeper).

Usually Dsis2 and DM visit us at for Christmas, this year not so as we're visiting in-laws in Australia. So, usually we do spend more on DM and DSis as they are there for the actal day, couldn't get each other and the kids nice presents but not them. Usually DSis1 and DBiL will receive a smallish (tenner or so) present each, about the same for their 2 kids.

This year I have bought DM a much more expensive present than usual, because she needed the thing. Xmas will be just her and DSis2,no other family, no friends. They are both very poor so won't have much of a xmas.

AIBU to send DSis1 and her DH the usual value gift, their kids too, and more on DSis2 and DM. DM's present is a cheap laptop. Thinking of spending less than that but maybe 100 on DSis2 (kindle).

AIBU? Should I get DSis2 something smaller or DSis1 something bigger? I don't really know her and have no idea what she might like. Also, not feeling rich, just know what DM and DSis2 really need.

OP posts:
GlitKnit · 02/12/2012 07:12

Christ.
I read it and am confused and so I'm out.

GlitKnit · 02/12/2012 07:13

(Think you're over thinking ?)

GlitKnit · 02/12/2012 07:14

BTW A hundred pounds on. A Present to a sister ?! We have a 20 limit !

Original poster
oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 07:15

She will literally have no other presents, maybe a book from the charity shop from DM.

OP posts:
sittinginthesun · 02/12/2012 07:19

Do what you usually do.

I tend to buy for my nieces and nephews, and then smaller on siblings. I would spend more on my mum if she actually wanted something more expensive!

Idocrazythings · 02/12/2012 07:41

Can you ask your sister to be discrete about her present?

Idocrazythings · 02/12/2012 07:45

Or tell dsis1, face to face, what you have just written, that you want to do something nice for them, as you won't be there, or, include her in it- say this is what we are doing would you like to contribute? Then dsis2 could have kindle, cover and vouchers to load it up?

Original poster
oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 08:02

Face to face not possible, we are in Aus now.

OP posts:
mrskeithrichards · 02/12/2012 08:02

Can I be your shit sister? I'm dying on a kindle!

Bearandcub · 02/12/2012 08:06

Agree with Idocrazythings, involve her if you feel you're being v unfair. However, your OP reads as if this is what you do each year just on a larger scale.

neontetra · 02/12/2012 08:10

Spend what you would normally spend on each. After all, if you add up everything you spend on the sister you like less and her dh/dc, it will be more or less same as what you spend on the nicer sis (who I assume has no dh/dc). Anyway, it isn't a competition. Your money - spend it how your heart dictates.

Redstockingswillstopsanta · 02/12/2012 08:41

My brothers buy for my children ,they don't buy us presents,we buy them presents because they have no children,but not £100 .Buy what they like ,it really shouldn't be about how much it costs.

Original poster
oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 08:53

Yes, so usually DM and DSis 2 have a stocking, smaller presents and one larger one. The amount is probablt the same, but the difference between siblings is much greater if DSis1 asks - normally they can say a bottle of perfume or whatever, without having to mention the little bits and bobs. Ideally I'd like to send DM and DSis2 some food as well, but DSis1 would really get upset then. Maybe just food?, no kindle?

OP posts:
chocolateteabag · 02/12/2012 08:57

I say YANBU
You can do what you like for your DM and DSis2 - and sounds like your DSis1 is a pain who maybe wouldn't contribute anyway?

Stick to your guns - don't let guilt creep in now as you will spend money which sounds like it wouldn't be appreciated anyway?

chocolateteabag · 02/12/2012 08:58

No get the Kindle if she would really like it!

You said in your previous post that you normally stand up to your DSis1 - why are you then wobbling now?

chocolateteabag · 02/12/2012 09:00

If dsis1 does ask and gets upset surely gives you an opportunity to explain, which given the circs sounds fairly reasonable why you are doing what you originally stated.

Also - why doesn't your DM and sis2 go to hers for Christmas?

Original poster
oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 09:18

Because I won't be there to support the others, who will get grief and feel bad when it's not their fault :(

OP posts:
Original poster
oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 09:21

to Dsis1's? It always ends in tears, everyone has learned that it is just not a good idea. DSis1 + alcohol + stressy xmas is worse than usual.

OP posts:
OkayHazel · 02/12/2012 10:37

Don't spend anything you don't want to on a sister you don't like.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2012 10:59

Your mum and sister will be totally alone at Christmas, neither have any friends, and your other sister will give them both grief if they get a bigger present than she does? Hmm
Sounds very bleak and Dickensian. How old are they all?

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 02/12/2012 11:06

Just spend whatever you would normally. I don't really buy into this spending equal amounts thing. Surely you just buy everyone something thoughtful you think they will like?

Original poster
oopschangingnametime · 02/12/2012 11:06

All adults. DM is a pensioner, DSis1 just difficult but gainfully employed, married etc. DSis2 employed but lives the other side of the country (has friends there, just not at my mum's) and doesn't earn very much at all. They won't be alone as they will both be there, but no-one else. DSis1 will be with her inlaws. She will find some way of giving them grief whatever happens, I'd rather not give her ammunition though, but want them to have a nice Christmas. Bit of a catch 22

OP posts:
Athendof · 02/12/2012 11:14

Ok, I don't see much of my older sister, she doesn't buy presents for me or my child, I get presents for her children to keep the peacd with my mother who would turn into a dragon if I don't get something for them, but is happy not to notice that my sister does overlook DS all the time. (thinking of that, I think I am not going to get them anyhthing this christmas, I an fed up of that dynamics)

Do as you wish, your older sister and you are not in good terms and do not see each other much, there is no need to spend the same money in people who are not close to you.

Athendof · 02/12/2012 11:27

Alternatively, say you were trapped in the hurries of organising the trip and that you will hand gifts when you are back.

HeathRobinson · 02/12/2012 12:27

Well, your sister could always say that you got her books - there are always free books available on Amazon for the kindle.

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