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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban him from ever drinking with me ever again

51 replies

FutTheShuckUp · 01/12/2012 23:35

This has been an age long problem, but not so much recently as me and DH havent been out in a drinking situation for a while. But tonight we are at a fairly respectable venue, live band etc. All starts off okay but DH does his usual trick of throwing the pints down his neck at a ridiculous speed then talkink utter crap and being obnoxious.
When I tell him to maybe slow his drinking down as it ends with him being rude and I cant talk to him when he's like it he starts with the old well remember when you (and will bring up a drink related incident from say 7 years ago for example) and will accuse me of spoiling his fun/showing him up.
I utterly despise him when hes had too much to drink and he seems to be unable to pace himself like all his mates do when they are out with their wives/partners.
WIBU to tell him under no uncertain terms he isnt to touch a drop when out with me

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/12/2012 23:37

Yes, you would be unreasonable. You can't order him around like you own him. You can only control your actions, not his.

What's he like when he's sober? Do you usually have problems with your relationship?

Original poster
FutTheShuckUp · 01/12/2012 23:39

No I cant order him round like I own him- but I CAN refuse to go anywhere with him when hes determined to be a drunken prick

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouriteking · 01/12/2012 23:40

I would go out with him if he acts like a prick when I do.

We all like a good night and a few drinks. An occasionally drink to much, but if this is every time you go out where there is drink its bit much.

YANBU but would he actually agree to it at all? or maybe agree to it then say ' I promise i'll behave and just have a couple' which then leads to shed loads?

SoleSource · 01/12/2012 23:40

You sound very controlling.

I need a drink just reading this.

Poor guy. Needs to grow a pair.

bradywasmyfavouriteking · 01/12/2012 23:40

I wouldn't

GrimAndHumourlessAndEven · 01/12/2012 23:40

you refer to this as being an age old problem; do you suspect he is an alcoholic? when you say he's obnoxious, what form does this take? shouty, aggressive, pushes you around?

Original poster
FutTheShuckUp · 01/12/2012 23:48

Controlling? Nope try again.
Couldnt care less if he goes out with his mates drinks himself into oblivion and look like a penis in front of all his mates.
Could care less if he does it with me and wont waste my time going out with him

OP posts:
GrimAndHumourlessAndEven · 01/12/2012 23:51
CoolaSchmoola · 02/12/2012 00:19

Seems you have made your mind up no matter what anyone else says so not sure why you posted.

"...and won't waste my time going out with him"

Personally I'd do the same.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 02/12/2012 00:22

Grim Xmas Grin

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 02/12/2012 00:23

When he goes out he drinks, when he drinks he's a twat, I wouldn't go out drinking with him either. But where does that leave you as a couple?

parno · 02/12/2012 00:32

Fut I have the same problem with my dp. Can't hold his beer and doesn't know when to stop. He's definitively not alcohol dependant and I am not controlling before anyone jumps in. I refused to go out drinking with him after a particularly horrendous night out about 3 years ago. Strange thing is we still manage to enjoy ourselves as a couple, I know, can you believe it, enjoying each others company without alcohol.

GothAnneGeddes · 02/12/2012 00:32

O.P you have my utmost sympathy.

I have a very close relative who is a horror when they drink. Those who are saying OP's being controlling have no idea what it's like, the walking on eggshells, having to back down in the face of unpleasant angry verbal nonsense and so on and they never, never understand how horrible they are.

His poor wife has put up with this for years. He will never change.

O.P, I would sit down and have a serious think about him, his drinking and his attitudes in general. Bear in mind that he will really have to want to change. if he doesn't, I would really strongly consider your options.

GothAnneGeddes · 02/12/2012 00:36

WTF is controlling about not wanting to be with someone who is a nasty person after taking mind altering substances?

If the OP had replaced "drink" with "cocaine" then everyone would be in agreement coupled with some bosom hefting judgement at being in a relationship with a drug user.

But no, alcohol is a wonderful human right and a joy to all, so the OP is just being a party pooper. Hmm

squeakytoy · 02/12/2012 00:40

YANBU at all. My husband does this and it drives me mad. Mine isnt particularly obnoxious, but he is pissed long before everyone else, and then wants to go home. I long ago gave up and now just let him go home.

lollilou · 02/12/2012 00:49

I had an ex who was a horror when he was drunk. Long horrible rants. Some people are just nasty when drunk so YANBU.

bradywasmyfavouriteking · 02/12/2012 07:26

OP some people on mn react very strangely when it comes to talking about wanting to restrict someones alcohol intake.

says more about them than you.

You don't want to be around him when he is being a dick. That's ok.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 02/12/2012 07:32

Would you drink with a friend who acted that way? No.

Just dont go to places with him where you will both be drinking.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 02/12/2012 07:36

I think the key thing here is that he is obnoxious to you when he's drunk.

I don't see why you should put up with that.

No, it's true that you can't demand that someone not drink, but you sure as hell have the right to not be treated like shit by them when they do!

The timeline is not
you tell him to slow it down
THEN he is rude.

It is he chugs down the drinks and becomes obnoxious
THEN you ask him to slow it down.
Because he is being obnoxious.

I think that's a very important difference.

It is horrible when you are out with someone who is pissed and being an ignorant twat with it. You have the right to refuse to put yourself in that position and it isn't controlling or unreasonable at all to do that.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 02/12/2012 07:38

Oh, meant to say - another option would be to walk out from whereever you are if he starts? Get a taxi home. Leave him to it.

My husband doesn't get nasty when drunk, but he does talk utter bollocks and make a total tit of himself.

It hurts me to see what he can't see - that people are laughing at him. Really laughing. I can see in their faces that they're thinking "what a twat"

And so I do beg him to please not get so drunk.

I hate seeing people laugh at him and I hate feeling embarrassed by him.

Feckbox · 02/12/2012 07:49

When we go out in the company of other adults my dh is an obnoxious unfunny twat who embarrasses me.
He's teetotal

DameMargotFountain · 02/12/2012 07:49

IMO it is about control - but it's unbalanced

the drinker in this situation forgets they have it, so the other partner tries to redress the balance by taking up the slack

OP, i have a good few family members who cannot stop drinking until they are at point of collapse, they simply cannot have a couple and stop there.

it's heartbreaking to watch and i used to try to stop them, but all i got in return was a gob-full of abuse and the label of a boring spoil sport Sad

don't make it YOUR problem, it's HIS and you will never change him, he has to do that himself.

perhaps when he's sober you can have a chat about it, see what his reaction is.

only you can say what happens next - good luck

bigkidsdidit · 02/12/2012 08:11

I can't believe the first few responses you've got Shock

A friend's DH is like this and it is so embarrassing. I wouldn't tell him not to drink but I would make it very clear - calmly, when you are both sober - that you find it embarrassing and next time you will go home and leave him. Your friends will understand, I would if my friend did every time her DH started swearing and insulting people :(

bigkidsdidit · 02/12/2012 08:14

I am particularly shocked by the poster who said he needs to 'grow a pair'. Yes, he's the man isn't he, needs to grow some balls and tell his wife to stop nagging Hmm

What a lovely attitude to find on mumsnet on a Sunday morning

dawntigga · 02/12/2012 08:16

OP you seem to have made up your mind you are YANBU regardless of what is posted - why did you post if you just want people to agree with you?

WandersOffToPlayCarsWithTheCubTiggaxx